As I was sitting in the taxi on the way to the casino today, incidents of how I treated my mom flashed into my mind. Simply put.. my behavior toward her.. for years.., was horrible.. she had every reason to turn her back on me, and never did, until the day she took her last breath.
As I've posted.. my dad is not a very communicative person. During their marriage.. she would crave communication, and he didn't give it to her.
Shortly after they separated.. my aunt the astrologer introduced my mom to a lawyer, who was a widower, with two grown children. My mom immediately hit it off with this lawyer. They used to date often, and had mega long conversations on the phone, at his expense.. long before phone deregulation.
Mitch had just gone through his parents separation.. and wasn't talking to his father. Simply put.. I was jealous, and upset that my mom didn't give me the attention I thought I deserved, even though we still lived together.
The only reason my mom didn't marry this lawyer, is that he was an alcoholic. He went to rehab, and when he came home, started drinking again, and my mom split up from him. We found out sometime later that he had passed away shortly thereafter. After that, while my mom used to date.. she never had a special man friend, something my aunts criticized her about consistently.
Even though I was with my mom until she died.. there are times I think back to incidents like these, and my behavior toward her during the time we lived in NJ, as she was undergoing her cancer treatment, and I wonder why she didn't throw me out of our home, and out of her life.
Many people believe in the afterlife. I'm on the fence about it. Even though my mom told me hours before she died, that she didn't want to leave me,.., if there is an afterlife.. I';m absolutely convinced that she is better off without me.
When I visited the college I went to last week, and saw the lady who used to counsel me during my parents divorce.,. she told me that I was always there for my mom. When I told her about my behavior to my mom during the summer we lived in NJ, this lady said I was dealing with my mom's illness all alone, and that sometimes caregivers react that way, and that I have "Nothing to feel guilty about"
When I think about it,.., I get angry at myself, and depressed.
I know I loved my mom. I wonder though, thinking back.. what did my actions show? If you treat the person who loved you the most in the world, and always treated you well, badly, what does that say about you as a person?
I hope there is an afterlife,. so that one day.. I can see my mom again, and make up to her for all the crap I did to upset her. If there is, then I will surely do so. If not.. then I have much to feel badly about. and much to look back on.. how I could have been a lot nicer to her then I was.
As I've posted.. my dad is not a very communicative person. During their marriage.. she would crave communication, and he didn't give it to her.
Shortly after they separated.. my aunt the astrologer introduced my mom to a lawyer, who was a widower, with two grown children. My mom immediately hit it off with this lawyer. They used to date often, and had mega long conversations on the phone, at his expense.. long before phone deregulation.
Mitch had just gone through his parents separation.. and wasn't talking to his father. Simply put.. I was jealous, and upset that my mom didn't give me the attention I thought I deserved, even though we still lived together.
The only reason my mom didn't marry this lawyer, is that he was an alcoholic. He went to rehab, and when he came home, started drinking again, and my mom split up from him. We found out sometime later that he had passed away shortly thereafter. After that, while my mom used to date.. she never had a special man friend, something my aunts criticized her about consistently.
Even though I was with my mom until she died.. there are times I think back to incidents like these, and my behavior toward her during the time we lived in NJ, as she was undergoing her cancer treatment, and I wonder why she didn't throw me out of our home, and out of her life.
Many people believe in the afterlife. I'm on the fence about it. Even though my mom told me hours before she died, that she didn't want to leave me,.., if there is an afterlife.. I';m absolutely convinced that she is better off without me.
When I visited the college I went to last week, and saw the lady who used to counsel me during my parents divorce.,. she told me that I was always there for my mom. When I told her about my behavior to my mom during the summer we lived in NJ, this lady said I was dealing with my mom's illness all alone, and that sometimes caregivers react that way, and that I have "Nothing to feel guilty about"
When I think about it,.., I get angry at myself, and depressed.
I know I loved my mom. I wonder though, thinking back.. what did my actions show? If you treat the person who loved you the most in the world, and always treated you well, badly, what does that say about you as a person?
I hope there is an afterlife,. so that one day.. I can see my mom again, and make up to her for all the crap I did to upset her. If there is, then I will surely do so. If not.. then I have much to feel badly about. and much to look back on.. how I could have been a lot nicer to her then I was.
