I just came from another very bad meeting with my father, and I cant say a word to him, unless I want to lose my apartment. The man is a miserable human being, even if he does pay my rent. He justifies himself, and everyone who treats me like shit.
When I expressed to him that I was upset that he had married and created this other family, before straightening out his relationship with me, he said "I married seven years after the divorce, and I had a "right" to go on with my life." Only he has "Rights". Mitch has no rights.
When I told him how angry I was.. that Cheryl never wished me well on the insurance exam, he waved his hand in dismissal. Again.. because Cheryl is an Upper East Side Madam, and Mitch is the peasant, I have no right to feel anything.
He then talked about my "getting a job to supplement my income". First he said "Part Time", and mentioned me working in "Home Depot", then saying "Part Time can turn into Full Time", not stating how a low wage is going to be able to support my apartment.
He;s an annoyed, angry, old, miserable human being. I have no sympathy for him.. nor do I really love him as my father. As hard as I try to overlook things, I'm livid about his lack of caring about me or my future. Never did he say "Try this with Aflac". (Although I have one idea I'm going to try myself) Or.. "If Aflac doesn't work, try this as a career".
He also didn't sound too hopeful about the 100 man law firm. He said he would "Call the lawyer", but that will do nothing.
Sooo.,. the final piece to the puzzle is about to be written.
I'm going to try cold calling, but, with as crazy as Keith makes me, I doubt how it will go.
Chances are, knowing my luck,.. I'll end up in a job where I wont be able to afford my apartment, and he can do anything he wants to me, anytime.
For those that don't know his mentality.. and say "He's so nice not to cut off his son". There is an element of torture there. He doesn't cut me off, because, how would it look for a wealthy man's son to be homeless, or dead? He also enjoys torturing me, criticizing me, and using me as his scapegoat, for all the anger in his life. He loves to have power and control over me. If I became successful that would be the last thing he would want, because then, I'd have the power to tell him to either behave humanly to me, his son, and to stop his outbursts and abuse of me, or to go fuck himself forever.
I love how he talks about all the things I said "I" was going to do, and didn't. How about the thing he "Said" he was going to do, and didn't? I've done everything, except for have a job that wont pay me enough to support my apartment.. soo he can torture me, and summon me anytime he wants.
At one point today, I said to him. "Neither you, nor anyone else, would give a flying fuck if I was dead, just look at how you treat me, and how you justify everyone who treats me like shit. ". His reply : "I don't think you know what everyone would feel". All THEY would feel is "Poor Alan.. (My father) He supported Mitch';s apartment, and now Mitch showed just how sick he is, by killing himself.".
Simply put, I despise my father. Every time he opens his mouth, it gets worse, and worse. I have no choice but to put up with him, unless I want to be homeless now. I curse myself, and feel angry with my mom, for not letting me go on with my life in Lancaster, so I could have been on my way when she died.
NEVER did my dad say "Mitch, I'm sorry I didn't discuss your future with you, or send you to grad school". He STILL isn't discussing my future with me, as a job at Home Depot, etc, isn't a future. (No offense to anyone who works there, but I'm talking for a person who busted ass to pass a professional licensing exam, and who wants to support an expensive apartment.)
While I don't plan to commit suicide: Simply put: If something good doesn't happen soon, like a good turn with the insurance business to enable me to support myself.. and be free of this miserable son of a bitch, I hope one of my seizures kills me.
That's all. I'll start looking for his "Job" on Monday, so he, Cheryl, and all the people who would "miss me so much" if I died, can have their final hurrah. If Mitch does end up a failure, my father can then say. "Mitch is Learning Disabled, Sheila fucked Mitch up".
Of course, Mitch must stay silent, if I don't want to lose my apartment, because King Alan "Doesn't want any more emails from me". Yes, King Alan, it';s yours and Queen Cheryl's Americas. You even had to go on about my mom again today.
Unless something shocking happens, my gut tells me that my life is going to go down in flames. He talks about me "Being Social". Why would I want to be? I certainly don't want to be with a woman. I'm abused at will by a miserable father, who I cant tell to go fuck himself, or even express my feelings to. What kind of a "Man" is that. Bottom line.. while I have an "anatomy", Mitch basically has no balls to be in this situation.
I felt SO GOOD about myself, after I passed the insurance exam. After 20 years in the abyss, I finally felt like I was on my way to a professional career, and I did it myself, with no help from him. Even after "God" took my mom away from me, and made us both suffer, and made me watch how he rebuilt his life with this family, "God" couldn't make the insurance business work quickly, so I could be free of him. First year, sitting around in NY, all me, my fault. I take responsibility for that. This year, all the restrictions of Aflac and Keith have made it impossible for me to function.
Unless something shocking happens, and the law firm unexpectedly signs, I see this all going down in flames.
Fuck it all. If I cant get out of it, by breaking free of my father by becoming successful at Aflac, I truly hope one of my seizures kills me. For those who say "You're such a spoiled brat, your father pays for your $1700 a month apartment" Would YOU want to be this man's son?:
You win again, Dad, unless I want to be homeless. Bravo for you and Cheryl. I have only one hope.. to climb out of this with a business that will make me free of you soon, so I can pay my own way. If not, I will pray every night for "God " to take me, so I can be with my mother. It has to be better than this. "You'd be surprised of who would miss you if you died", the SOB says to me. What a load of horseshit. If a seizure killed me, the miserable fuck would shed one tear, for show, and go on with the life he created.
Just simply fuck it all already.
When I expressed to him that I was upset that he had married and created this other family, before straightening out his relationship with me, he said "I married seven years after the divorce, and I had a "right" to go on with my life." Only he has "Rights". Mitch has no rights.
When I told him how angry I was.. that Cheryl never wished me well on the insurance exam, he waved his hand in dismissal. Again.. because Cheryl is an Upper East Side Madam, and Mitch is the peasant, I have no right to feel anything.
He then talked about my "getting a job to supplement my income". First he said "Part Time", and mentioned me working in "Home Depot", then saying "Part Time can turn into Full Time", not stating how a low wage is going to be able to support my apartment.
He;s an annoyed, angry, old, miserable human being. I have no sympathy for him.. nor do I really love him as my father. As hard as I try to overlook things, I'm livid about his lack of caring about me or my future. Never did he say "Try this with Aflac". (Although I have one idea I'm going to try myself) Or.. "If Aflac doesn't work, try this as a career".
He also didn't sound too hopeful about the 100 man law firm. He said he would "Call the lawyer", but that will do nothing.
Sooo.,. the final piece to the puzzle is about to be written.
I'm going to try cold calling, but, with as crazy as Keith makes me, I doubt how it will go.
Chances are, knowing my luck,.. I'll end up in a job where I wont be able to afford my apartment, and he can do anything he wants to me, anytime.
For those that don't know his mentality.. and say "He's so nice not to cut off his son". There is an element of torture there. He doesn't cut me off, because, how would it look for a wealthy man's son to be homeless, or dead? He also enjoys torturing me, criticizing me, and using me as his scapegoat, for all the anger in his life. He loves to have power and control over me. If I became successful that would be the last thing he would want, because then, I'd have the power to tell him to either behave humanly to me, his son, and to stop his outbursts and abuse of me, or to go fuck himself forever.
I love how he talks about all the things I said "I" was going to do, and didn't. How about the thing he "Said" he was going to do, and didn't? I've done everything, except for have a job that wont pay me enough to support my apartment.. soo he can torture me, and summon me anytime he wants.
At one point today, I said to him. "Neither you, nor anyone else, would give a flying fuck if I was dead, just look at how you treat me, and how you justify everyone who treats me like shit. ". His reply : "I don't think you know what everyone would feel". All THEY would feel is "Poor Alan.. (My father) He supported Mitch';s apartment, and now Mitch showed just how sick he is, by killing himself.".
Simply put, I despise my father. Every time he opens his mouth, it gets worse, and worse. I have no choice but to put up with him, unless I want to be homeless now. I curse myself, and feel angry with my mom, for not letting me go on with my life in Lancaster, so I could have been on my way when she died.
NEVER did my dad say "Mitch, I'm sorry I didn't discuss your future with you, or send you to grad school". He STILL isn't discussing my future with me, as a job at Home Depot, etc, isn't a future. (No offense to anyone who works there, but I'm talking for a person who busted ass to pass a professional licensing exam, and who wants to support an expensive apartment.)
While I don't plan to commit suicide: Simply put: If something good doesn't happen soon, like a good turn with the insurance business to enable me to support myself.. and be free of this miserable son of a bitch, I hope one of my seizures kills me.
That's all. I'll start looking for his "Job" on Monday, so he, Cheryl, and all the people who would "miss me so much" if I died, can have their final hurrah. If Mitch does end up a failure, my father can then say. "Mitch is Learning Disabled, Sheila fucked Mitch up".
Of course, Mitch must stay silent, if I don't want to lose my apartment, because King Alan "Doesn't want any more emails from me". Yes, King Alan, it';s yours and Queen Cheryl's Americas. You even had to go on about my mom again today.
Unless something shocking happens, my gut tells me that my life is going to go down in flames. He talks about me "Being Social". Why would I want to be? I certainly don't want to be with a woman. I'm abused at will by a miserable father, who I cant tell to go fuck himself, or even express my feelings to. What kind of a "Man" is that. Bottom line.. while I have an "anatomy", Mitch basically has no balls to be in this situation.
I felt SO GOOD about myself, after I passed the insurance exam. After 20 years in the abyss, I finally felt like I was on my way to a professional career, and I did it myself, with no help from him. Even after "God" took my mom away from me, and made us both suffer, and made me watch how he rebuilt his life with this family, "God" couldn't make the insurance business work quickly, so I could be free of him. First year, sitting around in NY, all me, my fault. I take responsibility for that. This year, all the restrictions of Aflac and Keith have made it impossible for me to function.
Unless something shocking happens, and the law firm unexpectedly signs, I see this all going down in flames.
Fuck it all. If I cant get out of it, by breaking free of my father by becoming successful at Aflac, I truly hope one of my seizures kills me. For those who say "You're such a spoiled brat, your father pays for your $1700 a month apartment" Would YOU want to be this man's son?:
You win again, Dad, unless I want to be homeless. Bravo for you and Cheryl. I have only one hope.. to climb out of this with a business that will make me free of you soon, so I can pay my own way. If not, I will pray every night for "God " to take me, so I can be with my mother. It has to be better than this. "You'd be surprised of who would miss you if you died", the SOB says to me. What a load of horseshit. If a seizure killed me, the miserable fuck would shed one tear, for show, and go on with the life he created.
Just simply fuck it all already.
