Before anyone reads this..
No, this is not another blog rant about "Poor little Mitch" and his rants about his relatives, but rather, an accountability assessment that goes far beyond any job or career things.. or lack thereof.
Bottom line.
My mom really got the short end of the stick, and, if there is an afterlife.. I suspect she's far happier there, then she ever was on Earth.
As I think back, I really treated that woman like crap.
When I was a teenager, I used to call her, the gay slur, beginning with the letter "F", on a regular basis. I probably didn't mean it, and was just repeating the shit I heard at school.
Not to mention my jealously, when, for a brief time after my parents split, she was involved with a nice man. Of course, being the insecure person I was.. I was very jealous.
She once told me that she didn't marry again, because she didn't want to saddle me with a stepfather.
I personally think that was the wrong decision for herself.
Her family, besides me, treated her terribly. Without getting into specifics, it just seemed that my mom always did the most, and got the least, from everyone.
There is positively no justification for my behavior to her while she was receiving her chemo treatment in NJ in the summer of 2011. I've posted about that, and how her chemo Dr told me he thought I was the worst son imaginable, until the other Dr told him to cool it.
Every time I tell my aunt this, she justifies it by saying "You were dealing with her illness all alone". I ' don't think that was a justification.
I apologized to my mom the night before she died. She was still conscious, and said she forgave me. At the time, I was only apologizing for my behavior to her during that summer in NJ when she was sick, and receiving treatment., In reality, my bad treatment of her went a lot further back then that.
I was taught a lesson for my treatment to her. She was taken away from me by the greater force. Since then, I've spent almost three years walking around with a broken heart, not to mention the personal and professional setbacks and disappointments I've had.
For those who taunt me about such..
Of course I'm grateful that my dad "Pays my rent". I'm working night and day to try and change that, doing things that I wont post about. Basically, however, I know my dad has his own life.
If there is an afterlife, and I am ever reunited with my mom, I have a lot of apologizing to do, and would spend, eternity if I have to.. making it up to her.
As much as I'd like to find a companion if the things I'm working on work out, and I turn things around.. I think.. "Do I really want a wife.,. I'm very old to have a child. I hope I wouldn't treat any woman the way I treated my mom".
At this point, I'm thinking do my work, and maybe,.. at some point, a female friend,. and a caring relationship. Life would really have to change for me, to consider the step of marriage.
If there is an afterlife, I'm hopeful that my mom knows how much I love her, and miss her, every day, and just how terrible I feel about how I treated her, and how I wish I could have changed my actions toward her, for a lot further back then just that summer she was being treated for her cancer.
No, this is not another blog rant about "Poor little Mitch" and his rants about his relatives, but rather, an accountability assessment that goes far beyond any job or career things.. or lack thereof.
Bottom line.
My mom really got the short end of the stick, and, if there is an afterlife.. I suspect she's far happier there, then she ever was on Earth.
As I think back, I really treated that woman like crap.
When I was a teenager, I used to call her, the gay slur, beginning with the letter "F", on a regular basis. I probably didn't mean it, and was just repeating the shit I heard at school.
Not to mention my jealously, when, for a brief time after my parents split, she was involved with a nice man. Of course, being the insecure person I was.. I was very jealous.
She once told me that she didn't marry again, because she didn't want to saddle me with a stepfather.
I personally think that was the wrong decision for herself.
Her family, besides me, treated her terribly. Without getting into specifics, it just seemed that my mom always did the most, and got the least, from everyone.
There is positively no justification for my behavior to her while she was receiving her chemo treatment in NJ in the summer of 2011. I've posted about that, and how her chemo Dr told me he thought I was the worst son imaginable, until the other Dr told him to cool it.
Every time I tell my aunt this, she justifies it by saying "You were dealing with her illness all alone". I ' don't think that was a justification.
I apologized to my mom the night before she died. She was still conscious, and said she forgave me. At the time, I was only apologizing for my behavior to her during that summer in NJ when she was sick, and receiving treatment., In reality, my bad treatment of her went a lot further back then that.
I was taught a lesson for my treatment to her. She was taken away from me by the greater force. Since then, I've spent almost three years walking around with a broken heart, not to mention the personal and professional setbacks and disappointments I've had.
For those who taunt me about such..
Of course I'm grateful that my dad "Pays my rent". I'm working night and day to try and change that, doing things that I wont post about. Basically, however, I know my dad has his own life.
If there is an afterlife, and I am ever reunited with my mom, I have a lot of apologizing to do, and would spend, eternity if I have to.. making it up to her.
As much as I'd like to find a companion if the things I'm working on work out, and I turn things around.. I think.. "Do I really want a wife.,. I'm very old to have a child. I hope I wouldn't treat any woman the way I treated my mom".
At this point, I'm thinking do my work, and maybe,.. at some point, a female friend,. and a caring relationship. Life would really have to change for me, to consider the step of marriage.
If there is an afterlife, I'm hopeful that my mom knows how much I love her, and miss her, every day, and just how terrible I feel about how I treated her, and how I wish I could have changed my actions toward her, for a lot further back then just that summer she was being treated for her cancer.
