Watching so many people around me, here and in my vanilla world, end relationships and start new relationships and work on relationships and enjoy relationships and be miserable in relationships and be unsure in relationships and getting married and getting divorced - it's made me think alot about MY relationships and what exactly I'm looking for in a relationship right now.
Ever since I was a kid (and I'm sure some of you are going "umm...you're still a kid, little missy!" but you know what I mean 😛) I've always wanted to be in a relationship. I've always had a crush on this boy or that boy, and I've always daydreamed about the first date or the first kiss and what it would be like. Then I dated a few guys, nothing too serious, just fun. Then I met Michael when I was 17, and we were together for 6 years.
We had an absolutely amazing relationship that ended extremely well about 9 months ago, and since then I've enjoyed being single and living on my own and growing into my own person.
Now, almost a year later, I find myself wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship again. I see some of the people around me SO happy and so in love, either in relationships that are solid and have been together for years, or brand new relationships that are exciting and give you butterflies and make you smile like a shithead just thinking about that person. Then I see people miserable, in controlling, abusive, unhealthy, unstable relationshits. Then I see people in "relationships" that aren't even relationships, but more like, "I like him - does he like me? Are we friends? More than friends? Wait - why is he talking to her? Are they friends? More than friends?" The line between friendship and romance is so fine and can often be so blurred - I think I feel worst for these people.
Anyway, watching all these different variations on the same concept has made me realize what I definitely want and what I definitely don't want right now - but I'm not entirely comfortable with my decision.
I have decided that I am absolutely not ready to get into a new relationship - no way. However, I do miss the affection and the cuddling, having someone around to hold hands and snuggle up watching TV, to kiss and caress and share a bit of intimacy, and I feel like I want that, but WITHOUT all the stress and expectations and emotions and pressure that come with a relationship.
Is "friends-with-benefits" really as terrible as I always thought? Is it wrong to share that kind of affection with someone you don't share a romantic relationship with? Should you hold onto those kinds of interactions and only share them with someone who then has to come to your family function on Sunday, because they're your boyfriend/girlfriend and they have to spend time with the family? And buy you a Valentine's Day gift? And remember your birthday? And win your dad over? And impress your mom? Not to mention getting involved with HIS family - ugh - too much pressure - too many expectations. Why do those kinds of things have to go hand in hand? Jealousy, possessiveness, being accountable for where you are and what time you'll be home, making sure you call him before you go to bed and wondering if he likes you as much as you like him, or vice versa, considering how he would feel before you talk to a guy or go out to the bar - no thank you. I'm not ready for that. I don't want it right now. I enjoy only having to answer to myself.
I'll undoubtedly be ready for a relationship and all the demands and responsibility that come with it again in the future, because with all that comes an amazing comfort and hopefully a love that can't be described. Now is just not that time.
I feel like I know what I want - I just don't know if I feel good about it.
Ever since I was a kid (and I'm sure some of you are going "umm...you're still a kid, little missy!" but you know what I mean 😛) I've always wanted to be in a relationship. I've always had a crush on this boy or that boy, and I've always daydreamed about the first date or the first kiss and what it would be like. Then I dated a few guys, nothing too serious, just fun. Then I met Michael when I was 17, and we were together for 6 years.
We had an absolutely amazing relationship that ended extremely well about 9 months ago, and since then I've enjoyed being single and living on my own and growing into my own person.
Now, almost a year later, I find myself wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship again. I see some of the people around me SO happy and so in love, either in relationships that are solid and have been together for years, or brand new relationships that are exciting and give you butterflies and make you smile like a shithead just thinking about that person. Then I see people miserable, in controlling, abusive, unhealthy, unstable relationshits. Then I see people in "relationships" that aren't even relationships, but more like, "I like him - does he like me? Are we friends? More than friends? Wait - why is he talking to her? Are they friends? More than friends?" The line between friendship and romance is so fine and can often be so blurred - I think I feel worst for these people.
Anyway, watching all these different variations on the same concept has made me realize what I definitely want and what I definitely don't want right now - but I'm not entirely comfortable with my decision.
I have decided that I am absolutely not ready to get into a new relationship - no way. However, I do miss the affection and the cuddling, having someone around to hold hands and snuggle up watching TV, to kiss and caress and share a bit of intimacy, and I feel like I want that, but WITHOUT all the stress and expectations and emotions and pressure that come with a relationship.
Is "friends-with-benefits" really as terrible as I always thought? Is it wrong to share that kind of affection with someone you don't share a romantic relationship with? Should you hold onto those kinds of interactions and only share them with someone who then has to come to your family function on Sunday, because they're your boyfriend/girlfriend and they have to spend time with the family? And buy you a Valentine's Day gift? And remember your birthday? And win your dad over? And impress your mom? Not to mention getting involved with HIS family - ugh - too much pressure - too many expectations. Why do those kinds of things have to go hand in hand? Jealousy, possessiveness, being accountable for where you are and what time you'll be home, making sure you call him before you go to bed and wondering if he likes you as much as you like him, or vice versa, considering how he would feel before you talk to a guy or go out to the bar - no thank you. I'm not ready for that. I don't want it right now. I enjoy only having to answer to myself.
I'll undoubtedly be ready for a relationship and all the demands and responsibility that come with it again in the future, because with all that comes an amazing comfort and hopefully a love that can't be described. Now is just not that time.
I feel like I know what I want - I just don't know if I feel good about it.
