I went to dinner with my dad tonight. '
As if the nerves I'm feeling aren't bad enough.. I was informed tonight that this thing could be even bigger than just the one account itself.. because of who this firm "Knows". Bottom line,.., this.. could be the difference between.. my continuing to struggle, and my becoming.. at least a very successful agent.
Then.. the usual started., My dad went off of how he is "enraged" about my mom lying to him about her age, saying how she "Started a relationship off with a lie". He hasn't been married to her, for.. 25 years,.. so his ongoing anger is at least.. uncomfortable.
Then,.. he went off on me about how I went "Above and Beyond" for my mom during her illness, and how there was "Nothing else I could have done". I've told him multitudes of times about my behavior while we were in NJ in the summer of 2011. I don't think he quite gets it. I was the biggest bastard to the greatest gift God ever gave me, when she was facing a life threatening illness. The doctors wanted to send me home, my mom ripped the chemo needle out of her arm a few times.
As I've posted, I apologized to my mom the night before she died. She said she forgave me,, but.. I've not been able to forgive myself.
He also told me about my lack of a partner, and dating, etc. Not now. No. Not til after the 18th. Right now, as long as he and my other senior relatives stay healthy, the 18th is all that matters.
Casino tomorrow, thank God.
He keeps giving me the whole :No matter what happens, youre not going to be in the street. Yeah,.. but.. Er, while I appreciate his help, I want to get off my 73 year old father's back. It would be best if we were financially untied, and were just.. father and son, imperfect as our relationship is.
My mind was wandering during Mister Gardner tonight. My dad is going away for a week, so I wont be seeing him until Father's Day or close to it. He's also obstinate as hell. I sometimes.. want to take him out to show my appreciation for all he does for me. He refused again tonight, for the third time in a row. I'll give him a nice Father's Day gift, even though, my mind on Father's Day is going to be climbing the walls, because.. that's only three days from the 18th.
My mom is probably on the other side, having mega fun in Heaven, aside from the work that God probably makes the spirits do. I hope she knows how her heartbroken son misses her, every day. Every time I think it's "Better", nights like this.. cause the reality to sink in. It isn't just. April 4th, Mother's Day.. or our birthdays, its every day.
The only really mega important thing that is going to happen between now and the 18th, is the convention. Besides that, its just a few training sessions, the usual discussion, and one educational thing I have to finish.
The 18th.. it cant come soon enough.
As if the nerves I'm feeling aren't bad enough.. I was informed tonight that this thing could be even bigger than just the one account itself.. because of who this firm "Knows". Bottom line,.., this.. could be the difference between.. my continuing to struggle, and my becoming.. at least a very successful agent.
Then.. the usual started., My dad went off of how he is "enraged" about my mom lying to him about her age, saying how she "Started a relationship off with a lie". He hasn't been married to her, for.. 25 years,.. so his ongoing anger is at least.. uncomfortable.
Then,.. he went off on me about how I went "Above and Beyond" for my mom during her illness, and how there was "Nothing else I could have done". I've told him multitudes of times about my behavior while we were in NJ in the summer of 2011. I don't think he quite gets it. I was the biggest bastard to the greatest gift God ever gave me, when she was facing a life threatening illness. The doctors wanted to send me home, my mom ripped the chemo needle out of her arm a few times.
As I've posted, I apologized to my mom the night before she died. She said she forgave me,, but.. I've not been able to forgive myself.
He also told me about my lack of a partner, and dating, etc. Not now. No. Not til after the 18th. Right now, as long as he and my other senior relatives stay healthy, the 18th is all that matters.
Casino tomorrow, thank God.
He keeps giving me the whole :No matter what happens, youre not going to be in the street. Yeah,.. but.. Er, while I appreciate his help, I want to get off my 73 year old father's back. It would be best if we were financially untied, and were just.. father and son, imperfect as our relationship is.
My mind was wandering during Mister Gardner tonight. My dad is going away for a week, so I wont be seeing him until Father's Day or close to it. He's also obstinate as hell. I sometimes.. want to take him out to show my appreciation for all he does for me. He refused again tonight, for the third time in a row. I'll give him a nice Father's Day gift, even though, my mind on Father's Day is going to be climbing the walls, because.. that's only three days from the 18th.
My mom is probably on the other side, having mega fun in Heaven, aside from the work that God probably makes the spirits do. I hope she knows how her heartbroken son misses her, every day. Every time I think it's "Better", nights like this.. cause the reality to sink in. It isn't just. April 4th, Mother's Day.. or our birthdays, its every day.
The only really mega important thing that is going to happen between now and the 18th, is the convention. Besides that, its just a few training sessions, the usual discussion, and one educational thing I have to finish.
The 18th.. it cant come soon enough.
