Don't mind me.

I just need to get this off my chest. And I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I'm just ranting. I watched The Notebook, which was very stupid of me, and it made me realize how alone I really am. I know that a love like in The Notebook is next to impossible ... but I couldn't help but get caught up in how incredible it would feel, even if it was only for a day, to feel that strongly for someone.

Love has always been so important to me. I want it so much which is why I've never had it and why whenever I get close to it something always goes wrong. It's just the way it's always been with me. I am so incredibly and stupidly obsessed with love. I think that love is one of the most important parts of people's lives. Without love... what do you have? And I'm not talking about love between family members or friends. I mean REAL, passionate, deep love. The kind where you feel SO comfortable with someone, SO safe, SO free, SO completely and 100% happy that you would do anything for that person. I want that. So bad.

I get scared sometimes that I will never find that kind of love or experience that kind of love simply because I want it so damn bad. I seriously believe that I will never find someone to be with ... not even for the rest of my life ... but I mean just for right now. I want that puppy love. But I honestly don't see it in the cards for me. I know it sounds so dumb and naive of me ... but I truly believe it. Whenever I meet someone ... it just never progresses. Something always messes it up. No one really to blame for that ... it's just the way it is. And on top of all that I'm messed up to begin with. I've had my heart broken one too many times.

There comes a point where you just stop believing in yourself. I think I am at that point. What I have left of a heart wants to give every bit of it to someone, but another part of heart stops me and reminds me that going through another heartbreak might really push me over the edge. My problem is I care to freakin much. I can give my heart to someone and let them do whatever the fuck they want to it and still love them. It takes a lot for me to stop seeing only the good in that person. Maybe because I don't want to believe that this person isn't right for me. I don't know. I just get blinded pretty much.

My self esteem is already low enough. And I always feel so stupid for that. Why can't I just have confidence? Why can't I just see me how I really am? I don't know why. I hate it. I want to be able to just let go and be myself and stop caring so much about every little part of me. But I can't stop ... and to be honest I won't ever stop. I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks. And not healthy at all. I have it in my head that if I just get skinny enough .. if I just reach a weight that I am happy with then all this confidence will just come pouring out of me. I think that maybe guys will notice ME instead of my friends first. Maybe they'll think I'm the pretty one and that I'm worth talking to... if I were only skinnier or prettier. And I know how completely pathetic that sounds. I don't know whats worse-- the fact I realize how dumb I'm being or the fact that'll I never stop.

I keep wondering what is holding me back from being truly happy. Is it because I've never had a boyfriend? I mean am I really basing my happiness on that? That is just not right. But what is so wrong with not wanting to be alone? I'm sick of being single. Sick. Of. It. I want to share all this love I have bottled up with someone. I mean is that so much to ask? What am I doing wrong?

Ugh. Sorry.