As most know, I'm Jewish, so I probably shouldn't even be on the forum, because, it's Kol Nidre, and technically, one isn't supposed to do anything but sit and pray.
There is also supposed to be 24 hours of fasting. I'm unable to fast, because of having to take my BP meds tomorrow morning, which I cant on an empty stomach. I'm going to eat.. a little bit tonight.. but not go overboard.
I'm supposed to go to my dad's tomorrow in the early afternoon. He cant fast either, due to the heart meds that he's on. If I know him, he'll probably work all night tonight, and until everyone gets there tomorrow. That's all he does is work. He's the epitome of an example of a hard worker. The man has been working since he's 15 years old, non stop. He's God willing going to be 74 on Thursday. He was born the same day as John Lennon, October 9, 1940. I suspect, if he God willing lives a long life, and is healthy, he might well work until the day he dies, even if that day is when he's.., 90 or 100 years old.
I plugged the memory lamp in the wall for my mom tonight, as I do every April 3rd into 4th, the anniversary of her death, the anniversary of the worst day of my life, and every Yom Kippur, and said a prayer for her. I hope she is so happy on the other side, in the afterlife. I miss her every day. Then I think to myself "You miserable human being, maybe if you had been nicer to her, she would still be here".
Let me be clear: I know that I didn't "Cause" my mom's death. She had lung cancer, that went to her brain, , from 50 years of smoking, which was the "Cause" of her death, and is listed on her death certificate.
I've posted in the past about my behavior to my mom, during the summer of 2011, when we stayed in NJ for three months, as she received treatment for her then lung cancer. Simply put, I was horrible to her. So much so that one day, she pulled the chemo needle out of her arm, and told the Dr's how crazy I was driving her. Her chemo Dr called me into his office one day, and told me what a horrible son he thought I was.
Those who know my circumstances then, know the conditions I was under. I was alone with her, with no family support, I was scared, and I had experienced a seizure during that summer, that almost took my own life.
Yet, is that really "A reason" for my behavior?
Does it justify what I did? I don't think so.
I've posted about how I apologized to my mom, for my behavior during her illness, the night before she died. She was still conscious, and she clearly said "I forgive you, and I love you". Very kind of her, considering that I don't think I deserve to be forgiven, ever. Tomorrow will be exactly two and a half years, since the awful morning that God took my mom from me. I haven't forgiven myself, and I probably never will. I will live the rest of my life, and will go to my grave, with the belief, that God punished me, by taking my mom, for my behavior to her during her illness, and to teach me a lesson of how to live without her. If that was God's intent, then the message has been received loud and clear. I have not been the same since she died. There is a hole in my heart that has not healed, and probably never will, even though on the surface I'm "better", and I'm able to function better on a daily basis, then I did for the first year plus after her passing.
I know that since last Yom Kippur, I've made major progress for the better. I passed a professional licensing exam in a field I had no previous experience in. I secured a position with one of the largest insurance companies in the world. I've made progress with my speech impediment, engaged in regular exercise in an effort to be healthier. All those are good things, very positive steps forward, and yet..
As Yom Kippur is supposed to be a "Day of Atonement for Sins"... Since I have made so much progress in the past year.. my thoughts this Yom Kippur will be of two things. One.. to continue to make progress, and achieve success, in the career that I worked so diligently to be in. Two, to pray, and ask forgiveness.. and maybe,., to achieve some form of peace.. about my behavior to my mom during her illness. I don't know if the second goal will ever be completely achieved, but.. I'm hopeful to at least try.
There is also supposed to be 24 hours of fasting. I'm unable to fast, because of having to take my BP meds tomorrow morning, which I cant on an empty stomach. I'm going to eat.. a little bit tonight.. but not go overboard.
I'm supposed to go to my dad's tomorrow in the early afternoon. He cant fast either, due to the heart meds that he's on. If I know him, he'll probably work all night tonight, and until everyone gets there tomorrow. That's all he does is work. He's the epitome of an example of a hard worker. The man has been working since he's 15 years old, non stop. He's God willing going to be 74 on Thursday. He was born the same day as John Lennon, October 9, 1940. I suspect, if he God willing lives a long life, and is healthy, he might well work until the day he dies, even if that day is when he's.., 90 or 100 years old.
I plugged the memory lamp in the wall for my mom tonight, as I do every April 3rd into 4th, the anniversary of her death, the anniversary of the worst day of my life, and every Yom Kippur, and said a prayer for her. I hope she is so happy on the other side, in the afterlife. I miss her every day. Then I think to myself "You miserable human being, maybe if you had been nicer to her, she would still be here".
Let me be clear: I know that I didn't "Cause" my mom's death. She had lung cancer, that went to her brain, , from 50 years of smoking, which was the "Cause" of her death, and is listed on her death certificate.
I've posted in the past about my behavior to my mom, during the summer of 2011, when we stayed in NJ for three months, as she received treatment for her then lung cancer. Simply put, I was horrible to her. So much so that one day, she pulled the chemo needle out of her arm, and told the Dr's how crazy I was driving her. Her chemo Dr called me into his office one day, and told me what a horrible son he thought I was.
Those who know my circumstances then, know the conditions I was under. I was alone with her, with no family support, I was scared, and I had experienced a seizure during that summer, that almost took my own life.
Yet, is that really "A reason" for my behavior?
Does it justify what I did? I don't think so.
I've posted about how I apologized to my mom, for my behavior during her illness, the night before she died. She was still conscious, and she clearly said "I forgive you, and I love you". Very kind of her, considering that I don't think I deserve to be forgiven, ever. Tomorrow will be exactly two and a half years, since the awful morning that God took my mom from me. I haven't forgiven myself, and I probably never will. I will live the rest of my life, and will go to my grave, with the belief, that God punished me, by taking my mom, for my behavior to her during her illness, and to teach me a lesson of how to live without her. If that was God's intent, then the message has been received loud and clear. I have not been the same since she died. There is a hole in my heart that has not healed, and probably never will, even though on the surface I'm "better", and I'm able to function better on a daily basis, then I did for the first year plus after her passing.
I know that since last Yom Kippur, I've made major progress for the better. I passed a professional licensing exam in a field I had no previous experience in. I secured a position with one of the largest insurance companies in the world. I've made progress with my speech impediment, engaged in regular exercise in an effort to be healthier. All those are good things, very positive steps forward, and yet..
As Yom Kippur is supposed to be a "Day of Atonement for Sins"... Since I have made so much progress in the past year.. my thoughts this Yom Kippur will be of two things. One.. to continue to make progress, and achieve success, in the career that I worked so diligently to be in. Two, to pray, and ask forgiveness.. and maybe,., to achieve some form of peace.. about my behavior to my mom during her illness. I don't know if the second goal will ever be completely achieved, but.. I'm hopeful to at least try.
