Of course, I miss and think about my mom every day. It';s been almost 21 months since she left me..but.. at times it doesn't seem any better than on the day it first happened.
Particularly.. I most miss.. having someone on my side. If something like what happened to me on Monday, with failing the exam, and my feeling so devastated.. happened when she was alive.. she would have been my support system, and would have been kind, and encouraging She would have told me to keep trying.. until I achieve my goal.
My mom also would have been outraged at my other relatives behavior. She would have wanted to have torn into my father,.. for his vicious, unsupportive attitude when I was feeling so downhearted. She also would have wanted to rip into her sisters.. for brushing off my feelings, and how he treated me.
Several months ago.. my father sent me a raging capital letter e-mail for thinking he was not on my side. That is such a joke. If he was on my side,. and was interested in anything except letting out his aggressions to me, both because he considers me his punching bag, and because he wants to preserve his tranquil domestic scene with Cheryl, he would have said simply "Mitch, I'm so very sorry for you. You worked so hard. Try and talk to Jay, and take the test again". That is not what he said. He got annoyed when I told him I was unsure if Jay would let me take it again. Additionally, just then was not the time to bring up a "Job" to me. Such showed that what he was doing, was invalidating my goals, by telling to me to take any "job" that he knew would make me miserable.
What my father doesn't get is one thing. A close female friend from some years ago.. (Not Maria, another girl) taught me this.
He only says and does what is good for him. He doesn't think about what he says, even if vicious, mean spirited, unsupportive, etc, will affect Mitch.. or be viewed by Mitch. If he did, he never would have acted annoyed when I expressed my concern about Jay allowing me to retake the test. My father also never would have demanded, and discussed my "getting a job", at that moment, when he knew how badly I felt about the test, and that I didn't need the $$$ right away. Addtionally, he further compounded it, by pressing his case, when I asked him to please stop. What he essentially said is "All I care about is kicking you when you're down, and pushing what I want. I don't give a fuck how you feel, or how what I'm doing affects you".
Now, fuck him.
I told him I don't want to talk to him until after the 1st.
I hope and pray I pass the test on Monday. If so, I will let him know and see what his reaction is. If not, I will let him know anyway, and plan to avoid him then so as not to deal with any more of his abuse.
I've reached the end of my patience with him,. Bottom line.. I just want to make enough money, so I can be free of him.
Particularly.. I most miss.. having someone on my side. If something like what happened to me on Monday, with failing the exam, and my feeling so devastated.. happened when she was alive.. she would have been my support system, and would have been kind, and encouraging She would have told me to keep trying.. until I achieve my goal.
My mom also would have been outraged at my other relatives behavior. She would have wanted to have torn into my father,.. for his vicious, unsupportive attitude when I was feeling so downhearted. She also would have wanted to rip into her sisters.. for brushing off my feelings, and how he treated me.
Several months ago.. my father sent me a raging capital letter e-mail for thinking he was not on my side. That is such a joke. If he was on my side,. and was interested in anything except letting out his aggressions to me, both because he considers me his punching bag, and because he wants to preserve his tranquil domestic scene with Cheryl, he would have said simply "Mitch, I'm so very sorry for you. You worked so hard. Try and talk to Jay, and take the test again". That is not what he said. He got annoyed when I told him I was unsure if Jay would let me take it again. Additionally, just then was not the time to bring up a "Job" to me. Such showed that what he was doing, was invalidating my goals, by telling to me to take any "job" that he knew would make me miserable.
What my father doesn't get is one thing. A close female friend from some years ago.. (Not Maria, another girl) taught me this.
He only says and does what is good for him. He doesn't think about what he says, even if vicious, mean spirited, unsupportive, etc, will affect Mitch.. or be viewed by Mitch. If he did, he never would have acted annoyed when I expressed my concern about Jay allowing me to retake the test. My father also never would have demanded, and discussed my "getting a job", at that moment, when he knew how badly I felt about the test, and that I didn't need the $$$ right away. Addtionally, he further compounded it, by pressing his case, when I asked him to please stop. What he essentially said is "All I care about is kicking you when you're down, and pushing what I want. I don't give a fuck how you feel, or how what I'm doing affects you".
Now, fuck him.
I told him I don't want to talk to him until after the 1st.
I hope and pray I pass the test on Monday. If so, I will let him know and see what his reaction is. If not, I will let him know anyway, and plan to avoid him then so as not to deal with any more of his abuse.
I've reached the end of my patience with him,. Bottom line.. I just want to make enough money, so I can be free of him.
