Personal vent, best posted in the blog..
As I've posted many times, I'm putting in, and have put in, .. an incredible amount of effort..,. hundreds of hours.. literally.. between reading all the chapters. and taking the practice exams.. not to mention....the frustration.. with the slow uphill climb.. and having not gotten the needed 70 yet.. to take the real final.
I was summoned to dinner by my father tonight.. I say "summoned".. because.. his attitude showed me one thing.
Knowing.. how much effort I'm putting in.. he started in playing "Devil's Advocate", wanting "Information", about the situation that will exist for me once I pass the exam. This hasn't been discussed with me yet. All I know.. is what Aflac told me. I will be a licensed NY state insurance agent.. working with them on building an insurance business. He's always been like this.. wanting "information" for himself to use. even when its been to my detriment.
Then he discussed with me about "Doing something else". This.. when I may be... eleven days from either.. needing to pass the exam.. proctored final.. so I can take the state exam.. or.., having Aflac turn their back on me.
He also discussed.. how.. "I will need to see my internist to renew my meds". (I reallllyy need to worry about having my BP checked now)
Such leaves me convinced of one thing..
He wants me to fail.. and have.. no life.. or anything I want... so that he.. and his fucking brother in Las Vegas.. can say.. "Mitch is learning disabled, and Sheila fucked him up". While there are those who say "He hasn't thrown you in the street, when you didn't work for a year when you got up there". He OFFERED me this apartment. My daily living expenses.. have been covered by things I;ve sold.
I tried to stay calm.. and told him that right now the only thing that matters.. is that I stay focused.. to pass the exam..
I'm fuming.. but I'm also not going to let this send me into a tailspin. My aunt the artist told me that I need to stay focused.. keep taking practice exams,. and just worry about getting my license.
I look at it..
Except for the apartment.. he has helped me with nothing.,. and spent no time with me. He knows many people who could have helped with a part time job.. he hasn't done it. He could have helped me look into an alternative source for the business I really want to do.. after my former company ignored me.. he didn't do it. I told him that if I pass the exam.. and work in insurance.,. I want to go to law school.. online or at night.. that I would pay for. He told me "That wont be happening" without me even knowing all the facts.
What I REALLY WANT..
Is to pass the exam,.. make a ton of money.. pay him every last dime back that he;s laid out, and tell him that if he doesn't start treating me like a father who really loves his son treats the son, he can go to hell.
Not to mention.. that he knows that I'm still smarting about what happened with Maria.
As I look back in my life.. my mom always knew this..
I did better.. when he was out of my life.. Mitch the historical honors student was all accomplished after my parents split up.. Before that.,. the first year plus of college, my grades were "Decent", but nothing like the near Dean's List grades I got with him out of my life.
"God helps those who help themselves". Well.
He didn't help me when I worked in direct marketing for seven years from 1996 to 2004.. nor did he help when my mom and I put so much effort out for her to see the Dr in NJ. She suffered and died anyway. Nor did he help when I approached sources about my business.
What my father wants.. I'm convinced..
I fail the exam., or don't qualify for it.. I'm booted from Aflac.. he then says "You need money, you have to take any job,,. even if you';re miserable.. life's tough".. so.. I am then stuck, and have no time to persue insurance.. or any other business.
My aunt says I have to shake this off. I came home. and fell asleep.. when I should have been working. I'm THREE POINTS from passing the practice exam to qualify for the proctored final. I'm going to keep busting my ass.., taking several tests a day,. and reading.. until I get to that magic 70.
My instructor.. for the review course.. Ed.. said to me "Mitch, its not IF you will get the 70, but WHEN : I love his belief in my ability. I spoke to one of the hierarchy in Aflac on Thursday, and he told me hes not worried about me. Had I been getting.. grades in the.. 40s consistently.. they would have booted me by now,. The guy said "Mitch, all we want is for you to try.. we know you are". They can log in and see my profile. and how many times I've taken the practice exams.
My father is going to Florida on Tuesday for a week. "He needs to get out of here". Good. I don't want to see his face.. until after the exam next week.
I know I have to shake this off,.,. to avoid giving him what he wants. I just hope I can get a good business going longer term.. so that I can really break free of him. Tonight made me realize how he really doesn't give a damn about my hopes and dreams. He wants me as far down as possible.. so he can pick on me,., and make me feel worse about myself.
When I wasn't helping myself.. I would have deserved a night like this. Not now.. Now.. I deserve to pass the exam.. make a bunch of money.. be free of him.. and then treat him as he deserves to be treated,.,. which is either an estrangement.. or as a non entity in my life.
What a Son of a Bitch.. Shame on him.
As I've posted many times, I'm putting in, and have put in, .. an incredible amount of effort..,. hundreds of hours.. literally.. between reading all the chapters. and taking the practice exams.. not to mention....the frustration.. with the slow uphill climb.. and having not gotten the needed 70 yet.. to take the real final.
I was summoned to dinner by my father tonight.. I say "summoned".. because.. his attitude showed me one thing.
Knowing.. how much effort I'm putting in.. he started in playing "Devil's Advocate", wanting "Information", about the situation that will exist for me once I pass the exam. This hasn't been discussed with me yet. All I know.. is what Aflac told me. I will be a licensed NY state insurance agent.. working with them on building an insurance business. He's always been like this.. wanting "information" for himself to use. even when its been to my detriment.
Then he discussed with me about "Doing something else". This.. when I may be... eleven days from either.. needing to pass the exam.. proctored final.. so I can take the state exam.. or.., having Aflac turn their back on me.
He also discussed.. how.. "I will need to see my internist to renew my meds". (I reallllyy need to worry about having my BP checked now)
Such leaves me convinced of one thing..
He wants me to fail.. and have.. no life.. or anything I want... so that he.. and his fucking brother in Las Vegas.. can say.. "Mitch is learning disabled, and Sheila fucked him up". While there are those who say "He hasn't thrown you in the street, when you didn't work for a year when you got up there". He OFFERED me this apartment. My daily living expenses.. have been covered by things I;ve sold.
I tried to stay calm.. and told him that right now the only thing that matters.. is that I stay focused.. to pass the exam..
I'm fuming.. but I'm also not going to let this send me into a tailspin. My aunt the artist told me that I need to stay focused.. keep taking practice exams,. and just worry about getting my license.
I look at it..
Except for the apartment.. he has helped me with nothing.,. and spent no time with me. He knows many people who could have helped with a part time job.. he hasn't done it. He could have helped me look into an alternative source for the business I really want to do.. after my former company ignored me.. he didn't do it. I told him that if I pass the exam.. and work in insurance.,. I want to go to law school.. online or at night.. that I would pay for. He told me "That wont be happening" without me even knowing all the facts.
What I REALLY WANT..
Is to pass the exam,.. make a ton of money.. pay him every last dime back that he;s laid out, and tell him that if he doesn't start treating me like a father who really loves his son treats the son, he can go to hell.
Not to mention.. that he knows that I'm still smarting about what happened with Maria.
As I look back in my life.. my mom always knew this..
I did better.. when he was out of my life.. Mitch the historical honors student was all accomplished after my parents split up.. Before that.,. the first year plus of college, my grades were "Decent", but nothing like the near Dean's List grades I got with him out of my life.
"God helps those who help themselves". Well.
He didn't help me when I worked in direct marketing for seven years from 1996 to 2004.. nor did he help when my mom and I put so much effort out for her to see the Dr in NJ. She suffered and died anyway. Nor did he help when I approached sources about my business.
What my father wants.. I'm convinced..
I fail the exam., or don't qualify for it.. I'm booted from Aflac.. he then says "You need money, you have to take any job,,. even if you';re miserable.. life's tough".. so.. I am then stuck, and have no time to persue insurance.. or any other business.
My aunt says I have to shake this off. I came home. and fell asleep.. when I should have been working. I'm THREE POINTS from passing the practice exam to qualify for the proctored final. I'm going to keep busting my ass.., taking several tests a day,. and reading.. until I get to that magic 70.
My instructor.. for the review course.. Ed.. said to me "Mitch, its not IF you will get the 70, but WHEN : I love his belief in my ability. I spoke to one of the hierarchy in Aflac on Thursday, and he told me hes not worried about me. Had I been getting.. grades in the.. 40s consistently.. they would have booted me by now,. The guy said "Mitch, all we want is for you to try.. we know you are". They can log in and see my profile. and how many times I've taken the practice exams.
My father is going to Florida on Tuesday for a week. "He needs to get out of here". Good. I don't want to see his face.. until after the exam next week.
I know I have to shake this off,.,. to avoid giving him what he wants. I just hope I can get a good business going longer term.. so that I can really break free of him. Tonight made me realize how he really doesn't give a damn about my hopes and dreams. He wants me as far down as possible.. so he can pick on me,., and make me feel worse about myself.
When I wasn't helping myself.. I would have deserved a night like this. Not now.. Now.. I deserve to pass the exam.. make a bunch of money.. be free of him.. and then treat him as he deserves to be treated,.,. which is either an estrangement.. or as a non entity in my life.
What a Son of a Bitch.. Shame on him.
