I spent Father's Day with my father, Cheryl, and the cousins, yesterday.
I have a lot of emotions about things that are going on, and I seriously hope that if there are any replies to this entry, that they will be thoughtful, and not attacks, such is why I post in the blog, and not the main forum anymore.
First, I want to make perfectly clear that I feel fortunate about what my dad does for me. I'm completely aware that he has no legal obligation to do anything for me. I had some form of a nervous breakdown during the first year I was in NY. I'm better now in a relative sense, that I have a career in insurance, and I'm on a path to hopefully at least moderate success. . Dealing with my mom;'s illness all alone, and the shock of her brain cancer, and having only six weeks to deal with her dying, caused me to collapse. Even the cousins told me yesterday that they don't know how I dealt with it all alone.
That being said.,. I don't quite understand my dad's ongoing anger at my mom, especially since she's been dead and buried for 26 months. He did win the war between us, in every way.
My dad was slightly inebriated yesterday. He's always very hidden about his finances to me, even now when my mom cant take him to court. Without going into details, suffice to say, that his rent alone, is twice what my mom had to live on for all of her living expenses. She really got screwed royally in the divorce. Notice I said SHE and NOT ME. As I said before, I'm completely aware that my dad could throw me out of where I'm living any time he sees fit.
He has.. money.. a wife,. world trips.. and everyone on his side. He wasn't going to do anything to help Mitch, until Mitch did things exactly his way. He will now blow up at me, and tell me that I don't need his approval to do something with my life, but, suffice to say,, that.. he didn't fulfill his promise to me to send me to grad school, so I could have had a life 20 years ago. He waited to rescue me until he knew I would have to have at least some interaction with his extended family. Basically, they have all been decent to me, except my uncle. I'm not angry at anyone except my uncle, and I haven't seen or talked to him in 18 months.
If my dad rebuilt his life as he has.. I don't quite understand his ongoing anger.. at a woman who has been dead for over two years, lived in a small town in a much cheaper place then he did, whose fiancé died of alcoholism, and who herself died at only age 74, after suffering and dying of the worst disease.
As for Mitch:
My family.. on his side. My dad is an at least very comfortable CPA. My cousins who I saw yesterday, one is a successful Dr, and nurse practioner, and the nurse practioner's father is a surgeon. The cousins are very nice people.
I don't match up to any of these people. I'm a 44 year old man, who now has a professional license.. who is trying to free himself of Dad, and be self sufficient ASAP. Every suggestion I make to my supervisor, is shot down.. so breaking free is extremely difficult.
As I';ve posted.. I have a big meeting coming up on Wednesday, with lawyers, who my dad knows. My dad is going to come to the meeting, introduce the lawyers to Keith, my supervisor, and then leave.
While I hope and pray that at least some of them sign up, I have no illlusions.
Then I think, what does Mitch really want out of life, what would make me happy, and what is realistic, at my advanced age?
My hope.. is to make a decent living.. to be able to afford my apartment on my own, and have a decent life here in Forest Hills., . My rent.. is exactly what my mom and I were paying for our two bedroom apartment in Fort Lee, NJ, that we couldn't afford, 15 years ago, which is why we had to move to Lancaster in the first place. If I could afford to stay in Forest Hills, and live decently, that would be fine.
I hope to find a nice woman, but.. what is realistic at my age? There could be someone nice out there.. but.. would that person want to marry, and have a child with.. a man in his mid 40s?
I'm certainly "Better", than I was after my mom died.. but.. I think how Mitch's life really is.. and really would/will be, is that I';m a very diminished version of what I could have been.. had I stayed on the right path to grad school, etc.
I believe in the afterlife.. and.. while I know my mom loved me more than life itself.. it's highly possible that she doesn't miss me that much.. Simply put., as I've posted before.. I was a bastard to her when she was sick. I was alone, scared. and felt helpless. but that isn't an excuse. I have stupid visualizations that the spirits probably do God's work all day, helping newly dead people get used to Heaven, and then go out to socialize at night.. the possibilities are endless.. considering all the people that have passed on.
My dad told me over the weekend that I'm bright, and a nice person, and shouldn't sell myself short. That was nice of him to say. Were I him,. I wouldn't want me as a son. While my mom used to yell at me if I upset her., she loved me so much, that often she didn't see my faults as a person.
Right now I'm just hopeful that I can build some sembalance of an insurance business.. to stand on my own two feet. After that, I will just try to carve out a life as best I can, in spite of my advanced age, and personality flaws.
I have a lot of emotions about things that are going on, and I seriously hope that if there are any replies to this entry, that they will be thoughtful, and not attacks, such is why I post in the blog, and not the main forum anymore.
First, I want to make perfectly clear that I feel fortunate about what my dad does for me. I'm completely aware that he has no legal obligation to do anything for me. I had some form of a nervous breakdown during the first year I was in NY. I'm better now in a relative sense, that I have a career in insurance, and I'm on a path to hopefully at least moderate success. . Dealing with my mom;'s illness all alone, and the shock of her brain cancer, and having only six weeks to deal with her dying, caused me to collapse. Even the cousins told me yesterday that they don't know how I dealt with it all alone.
That being said.,. I don't quite understand my dad's ongoing anger at my mom, especially since she's been dead and buried for 26 months. He did win the war between us, in every way.
My dad was slightly inebriated yesterday. He's always very hidden about his finances to me, even now when my mom cant take him to court. Without going into details, suffice to say, that his rent alone, is twice what my mom had to live on for all of her living expenses. She really got screwed royally in the divorce. Notice I said SHE and NOT ME. As I said before, I'm completely aware that my dad could throw me out of where I'm living any time he sees fit.
He has.. money.. a wife,. world trips.. and everyone on his side. He wasn't going to do anything to help Mitch, until Mitch did things exactly his way. He will now blow up at me, and tell me that I don't need his approval to do something with my life, but, suffice to say,, that.. he didn't fulfill his promise to me to send me to grad school, so I could have had a life 20 years ago. He waited to rescue me until he knew I would have to have at least some interaction with his extended family. Basically, they have all been decent to me, except my uncle. I'm not angry at anyone except my uncle, and I haven't seen or talked to him in 18 months.
If my dad rebuilt his life as he has.. I don't quite understand his ongoing anger.. at a woman who has been dead for over two years, lived in a small town in a much cheaper place then he did, whose fiancé died of alcoholism, and who herself died at only age 74, after suffering and dying of the worst disease.
As for Mitch:
My family.. on his side. My dad is an at least very comfortable CPA. My cousins who I saw yesterday, one is a successful Dr, and nurse practioner, and the nurse practioner's father is a surgeon. The cousins are very nice people.
I don't match up to any of these people. I'm a 44 year old man, who now has a professional license.. who is trying to free himself of Dad, and be self sufficient ASAP. Every suggestion I make to my supervisor, is shot down.. so breaking free is extremely difficult.
As I';ve posted.. I have a big meeting coming up on Wednesday, with lawyers, who my dad knows. My dad is going to come to the meeting, introduce the lawyers to Keith, my supervisor, and then leave.
While I hope and pray that at least some of them sign up, I have no illlusions.
Then I think, what does Mitch really want out of life, what would make me happy, and what is realistic, at my advanced age?
My hope.. is to make a decent living.. to be able to afford my apartment on my own, and have a decent life here in Forest Hills., . My rent.. is exactly what my mom and I were paying for our two bedroom apartment in Fort Lee, NJ, that we couldn't afford, 15 years ago, which is why we had to move to Lancaster in the first place. If I could afford to stay in Forest Hills, and live decently, that would be fine.
I hope to find a nice woman, but.. what is realistic at my age? There could be someone nice out there.. but.. would that person want to marry, and have a child with.. a man in his mid 40s?
I'm certainly "Better", than I was after my mom died.. but.. I think how Mitch's life really is.. and really would/will be, is that I';m a very diminished version of what I could have been.. had I stayed on the right path to grad school, etc.
I believe in the afterlife.. and.. while I know my mom loved me more than life itself.. it's highly possible that she doesn't miss me that much.. Simply put., as I've posted before.. I was a bastard to her when she was sick. I was alone, scared. and felt helpless. but that isn't an excuse. I have stupid visualizations that the spirits probably do God's work all day, helping newly dead people get used to Heaven, and then go out to socialize at night.. the possibilities are endless.. considering all the people that have passed on.
My dad told me over the weekend that I'm bright, and a nice person, and shouldn't sell myself short. That was nice of him to say. Were I him,. I wouldn't want me as a son. While my mom used to yell at me if I upset her., she loved me so much, that often she didn't see my faults as a person.
Right now I'm just hopeful that I can build some sembalance of an insurance business.. to stand on my own two feet. After that, I will just try to carve out a life as best I can, in spite of my advanced age, and personality flaws.
