<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=palpatine.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/palpatine.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
by Emperor Palpatine
I've just about had enough of you people. Apparently I'm known as some kind of creepy supervillain or a monster, just because of the way I look and talk. It's called scarring, you prejudiced dickheads. Try getting your face burned off by lightning and let's hear you warble like a fucking bluebird! But no, everyone thinks it's goddamn hilarious to imitate my croaky voice, especially to say funny words like 'pantaloons.' Never once have I said the word 'pantaloons' in my life!
What your real problem with me, anyway? So I told a few lies and launched a few illegal wars while nobody was looking. You think people get ahead in politics by playing nice? I'm no space-Hitler; at worst, I'm space-Nixon. Everything I did, I did to usher in a new era of peace and prosperity in the Galaxy.
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/emperor%20palpatine" target="_blank"><img src="http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb80/jsl6324/palpatine.jpg" border="0" alt="emperor palpatine Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
I am not a crook.
Oh, you don't believe me, do you? You think killing the Jedi and founding the Galactic Empire was just some evil plan I dreamt up one day in my evil brain, just to be extra-extra evil. Did it ever occur to you how fucking stupid that is? You've been spoon-fed a bunch of childish nonsense! As I tried to explain to Anakin, good and evil are a point of view. That kid wasn't great with concepts though, so eventually I had to just trick him with some lie about about saving his skinny bitch-wife. Ends and means, people, ends and means.
I admit, those movies paint a pretty unflattering picture of my rise to power. But that's because you're only seeing what they want you to see. You're coming into the story when it's already half over. That's like someone trying to convince you that all surgeons are sadistic butchers by showing them amputating someone's dick, without ever telling you that this was to prevent horrible penis-gangrene from setting in. Context is everything, people; let me give you some now. Everything I did in those prequels makes perfect sense if you pay attention.
Oh, and I also know that some of you think you know all about Galactic history from reading those 'extended universe' books. Let me tell you, you don't know shit. Those books aren't cannon; they were shat out by the feeble imaginations of fanboys just like you. Only the things you actually saw in the actual movies actually happened. And I promise, there's enough evidence even there to prove just how badly I've been misrepresented.
The Republic was Built by Colonialism and Ethnic Cleansing.
I suppose you think the Galactic Republic was some kind of grand democratic institution that ensured peace and liberty for everyone. That's pretty generous of you, considering that those films never stop showing just how badly the powers-that-be in the Old Republic screwed the pooch on every possible occasion. Democracy my ass... Hey, did it ever occur to you people why, in a Galaxy with thousands of planets and alien species, every other person just happens to be a human? Why the last Chancellor was also a human? Why the Jedi and the Senate both speak human languages and the lightsaber is clearly designed for human hands?
Do you think that humans just evolved independently on hundreds of different worlds here? Those aren't similar-looking species, either: otherwise, how did a Tatooinian manage to knock up a Naboo woman? A long time ago, humans spread through this unsuspecting Galaxy full of Grover-sounding dwarves and adorable scamps like gonorrhoea through a Playboy-mansion hottub.
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=10227315AJar-Jar-Binks-Posters.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/10227315AJar-Jar-Binks-Posters.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
The goofy little bastards never even stood a chance.
You don't believe me? Look at Naboo. Either this is one of those many, many planets where humans evolved all on their own, alongside the Gungans... or humans took the planet away from them and drove them from the freaking surface. The Gungans aren't fish; they have arms and legs. It's clear they used to live up top... but just like the Morlocks in The Time Machine, Gungans became a subsurface race of really bitter individuals. They didn't even get a seat in the Galactic Senate until Amidala made peace.
Sure, later on the aliens we robbed and massacred to establish ourselves were allowed some representation. They all got seats in the Galactic Senate (well, except the ones that continued to resist our occupation, like the Gungans...), but human beings remained by far the biggest swinging dicks in the Galaxy. And the injustice of it all was swept under the rug by the propaganda machine which crowed about what a 'Golden Age' we were living in. Sure, it was a golden age for the privileged few...not so much for all those slaves that continued to exist at the height of the Republic.
And where were the Jedi during this invasion and occupation of other people's home planets, you ask? Where were the 'guardians of peace and justice' during the ethnic cleansing campaign that saw billions displaced and murdered?
The Jedi are a Bunch of Hypocritical, Morally Bankrupt Fascists
Let me fill you in on your precious Jedi. They were the guardians of 'peace' and 'justice' in the Old Republic the same way the Gestapo were the guardians of peace and justice in Nazi Germany. What, you think that's hyperbole? No matter how much you trust your government, most of you would call it fascism if they tapped your phone or read your mail. How much worse is it to read your freaking mind and maybe control your thoughts? The Jedi do that, like, literally all the time, even when it has nothing to do with accomplishing their oh-so-important missions. Like when Obi-Wan brainwashed that cigarette vendor just for kicks. It's a lifestyle choice, you asshole!
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=gfb-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/gfb-1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
"Up yours, Obi-Fag Kenobi."
Kind of makes you wonder what else the Jedi are morally okay with using their powers for, doesn't it? If they'll mind-trick you into giving up what they consider a bad habit, what do they do if you're branded a political dissident by the Galactic Senate? Did it strike any of you as odd that at the beginning of The Phantom Menace, the Chancellor secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights to break up what amounted to a sit-down strike over unfair taxes on space-trade? This is how the Republic dealt with unrest: some journalist has accused the Chancellor of accepting bribes? Send in the Jedi! The workers in the spice-mines are demanding their workday be cut to 18 hours? Send in the Jedi!
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=riotscops.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/riotscops.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
Like this, but with lightsabers.
You never once saw them questioning orders, did you? And why would you expect them to, when they've been raised since birth in this militaristic cult, where the mantra is 'clear your mind of questions'? Why else do you think they need to take Padawans when they're so young? So they can learn the ways of the Force? No, because Luke Skywalker became the most powerful Jedi ever, and he didn't even learn what the Force was until he was 20. It's was about indoctrination.
Speaking of those kids, did you ever wonder why, when marriage and having children are strictly forbidden in the Jedi Order, and we've established that being able to use the Force is passed down genetically, Force-using babies kept being born? Did you ever wonder how the Jedi managed to even find those kids when they were so young? It's because the Jedi break their code all the goddamn time! Why else do you think Obi-Wan wasn't even a little shocked when he found out about Anakin and Padme? He was annoyed, but not in a "Holy shit, this changes everything!" way, and more of a "Oh Jesus, not again," way. It's an open secret that the Jedi have affairs and impregnate women on every world they visit. Galactic war-babies, if you will. If the women aren't willing, they'd just use a little 'Force' on them. Why do you think Shmi couldn't remember ever sleeping with Anakin's father? The Jedi spawned so many space-bastards, even they couldn't keep track of them all! But no, I suppose you think it makes more sense to say the midichlorians impregnated Shmi all by themselves. Occam's Razor just a little here, people. A brunette woman does not birth a blonde baby without the help of some blonde DNA.
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=Lundgren.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/Lundgren.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
(We're looking at you, Master Dolph...)
Also, did anyone else find it disturbing that all those celibate weirdos lived alone in that Temple, cut off from the rest of the world...with all those supple little kids? I'm just saying, if there was some child-rape going on behind closed doors, it would sure explain a lot about Anakin... Why else do you think he had so much resentment for Obi-Wan boiling just underneath the surface?
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/anakin%20skywalker" target="_blank"><img src="http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii128/Uber_Josh/anakin-skywalker.jpg" border="0" alt="Anakin Skywalker Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
This is the face of sexual abuse.
Those Jedi...such hypocrites. What else do you call people who claim that they believe in freedom but simultaneously talk about 'destiny' every other sentence? It made my brain hurt...did you notice that the only reason they even allowed Anakin into their midst was out of loyalty to some ancient prophecy that it's pretty clear they didn't even fully understand? 'Bring balance to the Force,'...if you're not absolutely sure that isn't a euphemism for your complete annihilation, why would you forsake your own premonitions of grave danger? I talked about the concept of 'destiny' knowing what it was; just a tool to manipulate the simple-minded. The Jedi though, they ate that shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Are you starting to see why I hated these assholes so fucking much?
The point I'm making here is that there was no real freedom under the Old Republic, just the illusion of it, and there was no possibility of any progress with the Jedi enforcing the status quo and safeguarding the interests of the elite. I had to change all that, but how? Well, how's this for 'evil' master plans, you ungrateful douchbags:
I Engineered a Galactic Civil War...IN WHICH NO ONE GOT KILLED!
It really bugs me that I don't get more credit for this. My master plan was to sow enough political dissent that eventually a war would break out. I played both sides to make sure that this war would happen...and I made sure it would be fought between a clone army and a robot army. Did no one notice this? It was the most humanitarian way anyone could possibly have done it! Those clones were grown without the capacity for free will; I wouldn't exactly call them human, would you? And who gives a shit about battle-droids? No, the only real people who died in this war were a whole bunch of Jedi, which...well, that was the idea, wasn't it? Also some wookies, but goddamnit, you can't do anything to stop wookies from picking a fight when their blood is up.
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/chewbacca" target="_blank"><img src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb160/breezyfbaby420/chewbacca.jpg" border="0" alt="chewbacca Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
They pull people's arms off for sport, you know.
Yes, I suppose technically I did murder a bunch of Jedi children and yes, technically I was responsible for blowing up Alderaan too. Is that really so bad? I mean, it's not like you saw me running a space death-camp or something. Remember, there are trillions of people in this Galaxy. Compared to the scale of a Galactic Rebellion, is blowing up one planet really such a big deal? What, you're saying it's never okay to strike a civilian target if the aim is to make the enemy shit his pants and call for peace?
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/mushroom%20cloud" target="_blank"><img src="http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss339/heathman46_2009/mushroom-cloud.jpg" border="0" alt="Mushroom cloud Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
Hypocrisy at all?
Fine, you know, whatever. It's over now. I suppose you think the Galaxy will be so much better off with the Rebels in charge, aren't you? Quick question, though:
Did Luke Skywalker Ever Go To School?
You remember how Luke had never even heard of the Force before Obi-Wan told him about it? That's not because we suppressed the knowledge of anything; Han knew that it was a 'hoaky religion,' and so did that Imperial dude that Vader mind-choked. No, it's just that Luke never had any education that didn't involve moisture farming (which just sounds like a sex-euphamism to me...). Do you think there are public schools on Tatooine, a planet with one spaceport and child slavery? Who would fund these school? Jabba the Hutt? And take Han Solo; did he strike you as the Ivy League type?
I'm mentioning this because by the end of the Rebellion, Luke and Han are Generals. When it comes time to pick up the pieces after the war is over, who do you think is going to be running things? You want to believe they're planning to bring back democracy (because it worked so well when the Republic tried it), fine, but until they can hold some elections who's supposed to feed everyone on Coruscant? It's going to be Luke, Han, and Lando running the Galaxy because there is nobody else who is qualified. Who would you appoint? Admiral Ackbar? There's no reason to believe that he's any more qualified than the pissant farmboy or the smuggler with the furry fetish, given that they're all the same rank.
The whole Galaxy is going to degenerate into chaos in the wake of my downfall. You think those were people cheering when they pulled down my statue? Those were riots, you morons!
Well, it's not my problem, anymore, is it? You don't have Palpatine to kick around now. Oh, hold on a minute...
Didn't You Know, I Can Come Back?
Hey, does this look familiar?
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=haydenjedi2.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/haydenjedi2.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
How do you think one comes back from the dead, anyway? Did you think only good Jedi could do it? In that case how did Darth Vader figure it out? What, the guy throws me down an elevator shaft and that suddenly undoes massacring a temple full of children? You can come back if you know enough about the Force, and by the way, I was so good at Force stuff that I made Yoda and the entire Jedi Order my bitch for over 20 years.
Do you have any idea how much haunting I'm planning to do, now that I'm not even bound by corporeal form? Every time Luke tries giving a speech to the Senate, I'm going to be there flicking his ears and whispering about that time he made out with his sister. Every time Han and Leia bone, I'm going to be making bantha noises from under the bed. If I get bored, maybe I'll just posses R2-D2 and make him shock Chewie in the nutsack. I have nothing but time on my hands now, bitches. And if I get really bored, maybe I'll just try my hand at that creating-life trick I mentioned, and reanimate myself.
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I had too much fun the first time around.
You'll miss me while I'm gone, you know. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. In a whole Galaxy of neutered sheep and conformist idiots, I was the only person who did anything decisive. I was the only one who struggled against my fate and remade the universe in my own image. This is my story, and I'll be damned if some beanstalk-looking asshole is going to steal my thunder. Fuck Anakin Skywalker; fuck Obi-Wan; and fuck Yoda! Palpatine's the motherfucking hero of Star Wars.
by Emperor Palpatine
I've just about had enough of you people. Apparently I'm known as some kind of creepy supervillain or a monster, just because of the way I look and talk. It's called scarring, you prejudiced dickheads. Try getting your face burned off by lightning and let's hear you warble like a fucking bluebird! But no, everyone thinks it's goddamn hilarious to imitate my croaky voice, especially to say funny words like 'pantaloons.' Never once have I said the word 'pantaloons' in my life!
What your real problem with me, anyway? So I told a few lies and launched a few illegal wars while nobody was looking. You think people get ahead in politics by playing nice? I'm no space-Hitler; at worst, I'm space-Nixon. Everything I did, I did to usher in a new era of peace and prosperity in the Galaxy.
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/emperor%20palpatine" target="_blank"><img src="http://i206.photobucket.com/albums/bb80/jsl6324/palpatine.jpg" border="0" alt="emperor palpatine Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
I am not a crook.
Oh, you don't believe me, do you? You think killing the Jedi and founding the Galactic Empire was just some evil plan I dreamt up one day in my evil brain, just to be extra-extra evil. Did it ever occur to you how fucking stupid that is? You've been spoon-fed a bunch of childish nonsense! As I tried to explain to Anakin, good and evil are a point of view. That kid wasn't great with concepts though, so eventually I had to just trick him with some lie about about saving his skinny bitch-wife. Ends and means, people, ends and means.
I admit, those movies paint a pretty unflattering picture of my rise to power. But that's because you're only seeing what they want you to see. You're coming into the story when it's already half over. That's like someone trying to convince you that all surgeons are sadistic butchers by showing them amputating someone's dick, without ever telling you that this was to prevent horrible penis-gangrene from setting in. Context is everything, people; let me give you some now. Everything I did in those prequels makes perfect sense if you pay attention.
Oh, and I also know that some of you think you know all about Galactic history from reading those 'extended universe' books. Let me tell you, you don't know shit. Those books aren't cannon; they were shat out by the feeble imaginations of fanboys just like you. Only the things you actually saw in the actual movies actually happened. And I promise, there's enough evidence even there to prove just how badly I've been misrepresented.
The Republic was Built by Colonialism and Ethnic Cleansing.
I suppose you think the Galactic Republic was some kind of grand democratic institution that ensured peace and liberty for everyone. That's pretty generous of you, considering that those films never stop showing just how badly the powers-that-be in the Old Republic screwed the pooch on every possible occasion. Democracy my ass... Hey, did it ever occur to you people why, in a Galaxy with thousands of planets and alien species, every other person just happens to be a human? Why the last Chancellor was also a human? Why the Jedi and the Senate both speak human languages and the lightsaber is clearly designed for human hands?
Do you think that humans just evolved independently on hundreds of different worlds here? Those aren't similar-looking species, either: otherwise, how did a Tatooinian manage to knock up a Naboo woman? A long time ago, humans spread through this unsuspecting Galaxy full of Grover-sounding dwarves and adorable scamps like gonorrhoea through a Playboy-mansion hottub.
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=10227315AJar-Jar-Binks-Posters.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/10227315AJar-Jar-Binks-Posters.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
The goofy little bastards never even stood a chance.
You don't believe me? Look at Naboo. Either this is one of those many, many planets where humans evolved all on their own, alongside the Gungans... or humans took the planet away from them and drove them from the freaking surface. The Gungans aren't fish; they have arms and legs. It's clear they used to live up top... but just like the Morlocks in The Time Machine, Gungans became a subsurface race of really bitter individuals. They didn't even get a seat in the Galactic Senate until Amidala made peace.
Sure, later on the aliens we robbed and massacred to establish ourselves were allowed some representation. They all got seats in the Galactic Senate (well, except the ones that continued to resist our occupation, like the Gungans...), but human beings remained by far the biggest swinging dicks in the Galaxy. And the injustice of it all was swept under the rug by the propaganda machine which crowed about what a 'Golden Age' we were living in. Sure, it was a golden age for the privileged few...not so much for all those slaves that continued to exist at the height of the Republic.
And where were the Jedi during this invasion and occupation of other people's home planets, you ask? Where were the 'guardians of peace and justice' during the ethnic cleansing campaign that saw billions displaced and murdered?
The Jedi are a Bunch of Hypocritical, Morally Bankrupt Fascists
Let me fill you in on your precious Jedi. They were the guardians of 'peace' and 'justice' in the Old Republic the same way the Gestapo were the guardians of peace and justice in Nazi Germany. What, you think that's hyperbole? No matter how much you trust your government, most of you would call it fascism if they tapped your phone or read your mail. How much worse is it to read your freaking mind and maybe control your thoughts? The Jedi do that, like, literally all the time, even when it has nothing to do with accomplishing their oh-so-important missions. Like when Obi-Wan brainwashed that cigarette vendor just for kicks. It's a lifestyle choice, you asshole!
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=gfb-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/gfb-1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
"Up yours, Obi-Fag Kenobi."
Kind of makes you wonder what else the Jedi are morally okay with using their powers for, doesn't it? If they'll mind-trick you into giving up what they consider a bad habit, what do they do if you're branded a political dissident by the Galactic Senate? Did it strike any of you as odd that at the beginning of The Phantom Menace, the Chancellor secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights to break up what amounted to a sit-down strike over unfair taxes on space-trade? This is how the Republic dealt with unrest: some journalist has accused the Chancellor of accepting bribes? Send in the Jedi! The workers in the spice-mines are demanding their workday be cut to 18 hours? Send in the Jedi!
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=riotscops.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/riotscops.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
Like this, but with lightsabers.
You never once saw them questioning orders, did you? And why would you expect them to, when they've been raised since birth in this militaristic cult, where the mantra is 'clear your mind of questions'? Why else do you think they need to take Padawans when they're so young? So they can learn the ways of the Force? No, because Luke Skywalker became the most powerful Jedi ever, and he didn't even learn what the Force was until he was 20. It's was about indoctrination.
Speaking of those kids, did you ever wonder why, when marriage and having children are strictly forbidden in the Jedi Order, and we've established that being able to use the Force is passed down genetically, Force-using babies kept being born? Did you ever wonder how the Jedi managed to even find those kids when they were so young? It's because the Jedi break their code all the goddamn time! Why else do you think Obi-Wan wasn't even a little shocked when he found out about Anakin and Padme? He was annoyed, but not in a "Holy shit, this changes everything!" way, and more of a "Oh Jesus, not again," way. It's an open secret that the Jedi have affairs and impregnate women on every world they visit. Galactic war-babies, if you will. If the women aren't willing, they'd just use a little 'Force' on them. Why do you think Shmi couldn't remember ever sleeping with Anakin's father? The Jedi spawned so many space-bastards, even they couldn't keep track of them all! But no, I suppose you think it makes more sense to say the midichlorians impregnated Shmi all by themselves. Occam's Razor just a little here, people. A brunette woman does not birth a blonde baby without the help of some blonde DNA.
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=Lundgren.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/Lundgren.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
(We're looking at you, Master Dolph...)
Also, did anyone else find it disturbing that all those celibate weirdos lived alone in that Temple, cut off from the rest of the world...with all those supple little kids? I'm just saying, if there was some child-rape going on behind closed doors, it would sure explain a lot about Anakin... Why else do you think he had so much resentment for Obi-Wan boiling just underneath the surface?
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/anakin%20skywalker" target="_blank"><img src="http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii128/Uber_Josh/anakin-skywalker.jpg" border="0" alt="Anakin Skywalker Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
This is the face of sexual abuse.
Those Jedi...such hypocrites. What else do you call people who claim that they believe in freedom but simultaneously talk about 'destiny' every other sentence? It made my brain hurt...did you notice that the only reason they even allowed Anakin into their midst was out of loyalty to some ancient prophecy that it's pretty clear they didn't even fully understand? 'Bring balance to the Force,'...if you're not absolutely sure that isn't a euphemism for your complete annihilation, why would you forsake your own premonitions of grave danger? I talked about the concept of 'destiny' knowing what it was; just a tool to manipulate the simple-minded. The Jedi though, they ate that shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Are you starting to see why I hated these assholes so fucking much?
The point I'm making here is that there was no real freedom under the Old Republic, just the illusion of it, and there was no possibility of any progress with the Jedi enforcing the status quo and safeguarding the interests of the elite. I had to change all that, but how? Well, how's this for 'evil' master plans, you ungrateful douchbags:
I Engineered a Galactic Civil War...IN WHICH NO ONE GOT KILLED!
It really bugs me that I don't get more credit for this. My master plan was to sow enough political dissent that eventually a war would break out. I played both sides to make sure that this war would happen...and I made sure it would be fought between a clone army and a robot army. Did no one notice this? It was the most humanitarian way anyone could possibly have done it! Those clones were grown without the capacity for free will; I wouldn't exactly call them human, would you? And who gives a shit about battle-droids? No, the only real people who died in this war were a whole bunch of Jedi, which...well, that was the idea, wasn't it? Also some wookies, but goddamnit, you can't do anything to stop wookies from picking a fight when their blood is up.
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/chewbacca" target="_blank"><img src="http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb160/breezyfbaby420/chewbacca.jpg" border="0" alt="chewbacca Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
They pull people's arms off for sport, you know.
Yes, I suppose technically I did murder a bunch of Jedi children and yes, technically I was responsible for blowing up Alderaan too. Is that really so bad? I mean, it's not like you saw me running a space death-camp or something. Remember, there are trillions of people in this Galaxy. Compared to the scale of a Galactic Rebellion, is blowing up one planet really such a big deal? What, you're saying it's never okay to strike a civilian target if the aim is to make the enemy shit his pants and call for peace?
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/mushroom%20cloud" target="_blank"><img src="http://i589.photobucket.com/albums/ss339/heathman46_2009/mushroom-cloud.jpg" border="0" alt="Mushroom cloud Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
Hypocrisy at all?
Fine, you know, whatever. It's over now. I suppose you think the Galaxy will be so much better off with the Rebels in charge, aren't you? Quick question, though:
Did Luke Skywalker Ever Go To School?
You remember how Luke had never even heard of the Force before Obi-Wan told him about it? That's not because we suppressed the knowledge of anything; Han knew that it was a 'hoaky religion,' and so did that Imperial dude that Vader mind-choked. No, it's just that Luke never had any education that didn't involve moisture farming (which just sounds like a sex-euphamism to me...). Do you think there are public schools on Tatooine, a planet with one spaceport and child slavery? Who would fund these school? Jabba the Hutt? And take Han Solo; did he strike you as the Ivy League type?
I'm mentioning this because by the end of the Rebellion, Luke and Han are Generals. When it comes time to pick up the pieces after the war is over, who do you think is going to be running things? You want to believe they're planning to bring back democracy (because it worked so well when the Republic tried it), fine, but until they can hold some elections who's supposed to feed everyone on Coruscant? It's going to be Luke, Han, and Lando running the Galaxy because there is nobody else who is qualified. Who would you appoint? Admiral Ackbar? There's no reason to believe that he's any more qualified than the pissant farmboy or the smuggler with the furry fetish, given that they're all the same rank.
The whole Galaxy is going to degenerate into chaos in the wake of my downfall. You think those were people cheering when they pulled down my statue? Those were riots, you morons!
Well, it's not my problem, anymore, is it? You don't have Palpatine to kick around now. Oh, hold on a minute...
Didn't You Know, I Can Come Back?
Hey, does this look familiar?
<a href="http://s932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/?action=view¤t=haydenjedi2.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad163/j_gallag/Decorated%20images/haydenjedi2.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
How do you think one comes back from the dead, anyway? Did you think only good Jedi could do it? In that case how did Darth Vader figure it out? What, the guy throws me down an elevator shaft and that suddenly undoes massacring a temple full of children? You can come back if you know enough about the Force, and by the way, I was so good at Force stuff that I made Yoda and the entire Jedi Order my bitch for over 20 years.
Do you have any idea how much haunting I'm planning to do, now that I'm not even bound by corporeal form? Every time Luke tries giving a speech to the Senate, I'm going to be there flicking his ears and whispering about that time he made out with his sister. Every time Han and Leia bone, I'm going to be making bantha noises from under the bed. If I get bored, maybe I'll just posses R2-D2 and make him shock Chewie in the nutsack. I have nothing but time on my hands now, bitches. And if I get really bored, maybe I'll just try my hand at that creating-life trick I mentioned, and reanimate myself.
<a href="http://photobucket.com/images/palpatine" target="_blank"><img src="http://i173.photobucket.com/albums/w51/JasonRego/palpatine.jpg" border="0" alt="palpatine Pictures, Images and Photos"/></a>
I had too much fun the first time around.
You'll miss me while I'm gone, you know. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. In a whole Galaxy of neutered sheep and conformist idiots, I was the only person who did anything decisive. I was the only one who struggled against my fate and remade the universe in my own image. This is my story, and I'll be damned if some beanstalk-looking asshole is going to steal my thunder. Fuck Anakin Skywalker; fuck Obi-Wan; and fuck Yoda! Palpatine's the motherfucking hero of Star Wars.
