No, this isnt some dramatic blog post announcing my angry departure from the forum. My 2012 effectively ended today. My dad is going to the islands tomorrow until after the 1st, with all my favorite cousins. I'm going to try and take one last breather and reflection, before moving on to 2013. Needless to say, I will be thrilled to get rid of 2012.
Let' s see: One week less than one year ago, I said Happy New Year to my mom, rejoicing that we thought she had beaten cancer. Six weeks later, the world came crashing down for us, with her brain cancer diagnosis, and began the darkest four month period, and darkest year, of my life. From the morning of Feb 13, straight through the morning of April 4th, when she was taken from me, and up until the evening of June 17th, when I left Lancaster for good, I was a crushed, heartbroken mess.
Since June 17th, while I do like NY better than Lancaster, and I'm thankful to be here, it's been a very difficult adjustment. Altercations with my dad, my uncle, and our cousins, have often made 2012 a very combative time.
Today,. I got the first step of what I've wanted. A meeting with a lawyer friend of my dad's, with the hope of being able to push forth with the business I want to do. The original idea was actually my mom's, and was something we never got to do,. before she got her final illness and died.
Now, due to the holidays, it becomes a waiting game. Things have to be prepared, legal viabilites have to be checked out, and small steps have to be taken. I will have some job after the first of the year, and hope to be able to proceed forth with this business, even in the smallest of ways.
Whatever happens, I know one thing. I may go into therapy, but I'm not going on "disability", something I know that my uncle, and my father's cousins, would just love, so they could sneer at me, and say "Sheila fucked him up, hes fucked up". My dad knows that I basically want to tell them all to go to hell. My intent is to see and talk to them all.. never.. or as little as possible.
One observation that both my dad, and the lawyer, had about me. They both said that from their observations, I'm too nice, and that I need to develop a "Nasty" side, in order to successfully run a company. For all the capital letter e-mails and screaming phone calls that my dad and I had, both during our estrangement, and even when we're been together, he knows I can have a nasty side, I just dont like to be nasty. The people in the family who I'm currently enraged at, including my uncle, have all infuriated me, with the one thing that really gets me. Attacks on my character. I pride myself on having high moral and ethical character, something I cant say for many of them.
Now, I wait, I plan, and then if its viable, I work hard, and hope for the best. I want to be successful, both for myself, and for my mom;s memory, but I dont deny that there is a level of me, that wants to build a successful company, to then be able to turn around and say to all of the relatives sneering at me. "See, I can do it, and now, fuck you all". My mom used to say to me, "The best revenge is success".
I'm a believer in "doing the right thing". For instance, Cheryl was advised by our family Dr not to go on the island trip due to a recent fall she had. Her children work full time, so I promised my dad I would keep an eye on her, and help if she needs me. I know he appreciated that.
So, unless some unforseen catastrophe happens in the next week, 2012 is over for me. I'll be thrilled to see it go. I hope and pray for a better 2013. After what happened to me this year, I dont even venture to guess. I hope to be able to sit here 360 plus days from now, with a successful company, and say "This is the best year of my life".,
One final point: They talk about people sometimes feeling the presence of dead relatives. The reality is, I dont feel my mom anywhere, except that I miss her every day, and she lives inside my heart. When I mentioned this to my aunt the artist, she told me "Maybe it just means that Sjheila is happy where she is. ". Yes. She's thrilled to be at peace, and away from me, even though I know she didnt want to leave me. My dad keeps saying that the best way to honor my mom's memory is to go on with life, and make a success. I know that up until now, i've struggled doing that this year. I think, if I can make a success out of this business, that would be the best way to honor my mom's memory.
I'll close with wishes for a good holiday season, and 2013. Hopefully it will be a better year.
Mitch
Let' s see: One week less than one year ago, I said Happy New Year to my mom, rejoicing that we thought she had beaten cancer. Six weeks later, the world came crashing down for us, with her brain cancer diagnosis, and began the darkest four month period, and darkest year, of my life. From the morning of Feb 13, straight through the morning of April 4th, when she was taken from me, and up until the evening of June 17th, when I left Lancaster for good, I was a crushed, heartbroken mess.
Since June 17th, while I do like NY better than Lancaster, and I'm thankful to be here, it's been a very difficult adjustment. Altercations with my dad, my uncle, and our cousins, have often made 2012 a very combative time.
Today,. I got the first step of what I've wanted. A meeting with a lawyer friend of my dad's, with the hope of being able to push forth with the business I want to do. The original idea was actually my mom's, and was something we never got to do,. before she got her final illness and died.
Now, due to the holidays, it becomes a waiting game. Things have to be prepared, legal viabilites have to be checked out, and small steps have to be taken. I will have some job after the first of the year, and hope to be able to proceed forth with this business, even in the smallest of ways.
Whatever happens, I know one thing. I may go into therapy, but I'm not going on "disability", something I know that my uncle, and my father's cousins, would just love, so they could sneer at me, and say "Sheila fucked him up, hes fucked up". My dad knows that I basically want to tell them all to go to hell. My intent is to see and talk to them all.. never.. or as little as possible.
One observation that both my dad, and the lawyer, had about me. They both said that from their observations, I'm too nice, and that I need to develop a "Nasty" side, in order to successfully run a company. For all the capital letter e-mails and screaming phone calls that my dad and I had, both during our estrangement, and even when we're been together, he knows I can have a nasty side, I just dont like to be nasty. The people in the family who I'm currently enraged at, including my uncle, have all infuriated me, with the one thing that really gets me. Attacks on my character. I pride myself on having high moral and ethical character, something I cant say for many of them.
Now, I wait, I plan, and then if its viable, I work hard, and hope for the best. I want to be successful, both for myself, and for my mom;s memory, but I dont deny that there is a level of me, that wants to build a successful company, to then be able to turn around and say to all of the relatives sneering at me. "See, I can do it, and now, fuck you all". My mom used to say to me, "The best revenge is success".
I'm a believer in "doing the right thing". For instance, Cheryl was advised by our family Dr not to go on the island trip due to a recent fall she had. Her children work full time, so I promised my dad I would keep an eye on her, and help if she needs me. I know he appreciated that.
So, unless some unforseen catastrophe happens in the next week, 2012 is over for me. I'll be thrilled to see it go. I hope and pray for a better 2013. After what happened to me this year, I dont even venture to guess. I hope to be able to sit here 360 plus days from now, with a successful company, and say "This is the best year of my life".,
One final point: They talk about people sometimes feeling the presence of dead relatives. The reality is, I dont feel my mom anywhere, except that I miss her every day, and she lives inside my heart. When I mentioned this to my aunt the artist, she told me "Maybe it just means that Sjheila is happy where she is. ". Yes. She's thrilled to be at peace, and away from me, even though I know she didnt want to leave me. My dad keeps saying that the best way to honor my mom's memory is to go on with life, and make a success. I know that up until now, i've struggled doing that this year. I think, if I can make a success out of this business, that would be the best way to honor my mom's memory.
I'll close with wishes for a good holiday season, and 2013. Hopefully it will be a better year.
Mitch
