Today sucked..
I was a bad boy and went to the casino, to get a respite from the hard work, and preparing for the exam. Before the day ended, I promptly got two guilt trips.
My father texted me, wanting to talk while I was going to be at the casino. I said something like "Not available". His reply was. "K, I'll bet you're at the casino, and that you';re going there tomorrow too". When he called me, he had an annoyed tone to his voice. I hadn't been there since Sunday, which was before the heartbreak with Monday's exam, and I'm still way ahead from all the money I won last Friday. BFD I had a couple of hours of fun, with all the ass busting I've been doing lately. I only lost a little bit. It isn't like I went and dropped crazy amounts of money. I never do that, even when I'm way ahead.
Then I saw Maria today. I told her that if God willing I get another two points on Monday, I have a position at Aflac. Her reply was something like "Good for you, but you wont be around anymore, which sucks for me". I said something like "I could be around all the time" (If she finally got serious with me) To which she replied, "I don't think of you in that way". Fine. Understood.
I have nothing to feel guilty about. There are 24 hours in a day. When I was going to the casino several days a week, and not working, losing my money, my father would have a legitimate case to say something. Not this time. Just another of his outbursts for the frustration of his own life, let out to me.
And Maria: Someone I have cared about for over a year. Someone who claims she tells me everything, that she tells no one else. I've accepted that she only likes me as a friend, so why lay a guilt trip on me that I'm trying with all my might to move forward with my life?
Last night, I had no energy to study after my all day class. Tonight,. I did a lot of studying, but I'm having trouble concentrating.
Two points.. Two measly points is all I need. I'm going to keep working right up to Sunday night, even in spite of my few hour jaunt to the casino tomorrow. There's 24 hours in a day., Daddy. For someone like me, who has no gf, no plans with anyone else, lives alone with no distractions, and doesn't sleep much, I will be doing plenty of studying, trust me, as I always have before each of the exams I've taken. .
Until now I've not gotten anything I wanted.. personal goals. I want to get those two points.. so badly. After today, and Maria's comment.. I want to get a younger.. more understanding, and ticklish girl, I think her comment reeked of selfishness.
When my ex best friend and I were still very close in the 1990s, he lived in CT and I in NJ. He moved to Lancaster at a time my father and I had a parting of the ways which lasted for several years. Know what I said to my ex best friend when he left? I wasn't sour grapes like Maria acted, even though he was leaving at the worst time of my life. I said "I will miss you, but I understand why you have to leave". That isn't what she said.
I need to concentrate. I hope I can. Between these incidents today, and the blowup with my aunt the artist the other night, with her unsupportive attitude and comments about my father, following his outburst after I fell short on my exam, I really feel like a man without a country. My two best friends are about the most supportive people in my real life, aside from the support I get on here. It just angers me how no one considers the hell I'm going through now, trying with all my might to pass this exam. All they think about is themselves.
I was a bad boy and went to the casino, to get a respite from the hard work, and preparing for the exam. Before the day ended, I promptly got two guilt trips.
My father texted me, wanting to talk while I was going to be at the casino. I said something like "Not available". His reply was. "K, I'll bet you're at the casino, and that you';re going there tomorrow too". When he called me, he had an annoyed tone to his voice. I hadn't been there since Sunday, which was before the heartbreak with Monday's exam, and I'm still way ahead from all the money I won last Friday. BFD I had a couple of hours of fun, with all the ass busting I've been doing lately. I only lost a little bit. It isn't like I went and dropped crazy amounts of money. I never do that, even when I'm way ahead.
Then I saw Maria today. I told her that if God willing I get another two points on Monday, I have a position at Aflac. Her reply was something like "Good for you, but you wont be around anymore, which sucks for me". I said something like "I could be around all the time" (If she finally got serious with me) To which she replied, "I don't think of you in that way". Fine. Understood.
I have nothing to feel guilty about. There are 24 hours in a day. When I was going to the casino several days a week, and not working, losing my money, my father would have a legitimate case to say something. Not this time. Just another of his outbursts for the frustration of his own life, let out to me.
And Maria: Someone I have cared about for over a year. Someone who claims she tells me everything, that she tells no one else. I've accepted that she only likes me as a friend, so why lay a guilt trip on me that I'm trying with all my might to move forward with my life?
Last night, I had no energy to study after my all day class. Tonight,. I did a lot of studying, but I'm having trouble concentrating.
Two points.. Two measly points is all I need. I'm going to keep working right up to Sunday night, even in spite of my few hour jaunt to the casino tomorrow. There's 24 hours in a day., Daddy. For someone like me, who has no gf, no plans with anyone else, lives alone with no distractions, and doesn't sleep much, I will be doing plenty of studying, trust me, as I always have before each of the exams I've taken. .
Until now I've not gotten anything I wanted.. personal goals. I want to get those two points.. so badly. After today, and Maria's comment.. I want to get a younger.. more understanding, and ticklish girl, I think her comment reeked of selfishness.
When my ex best friend and I were still very close in the 1990s, he lived in CT and I in NJ. He moved to Lancaster at a time my father and I had a parting of the ways which lasted for several years. Know what I said to my ex best friend when he left? I wasn't sour grapes like Maria acted, even though he was leaving at the worst time of my life. I said "I will miss you, but I understand why you have to leave". That isn't what she said.
I need to concentrate. I hope I can. Between these incidents today, and the blowup with my aunt the artist the other night, with her unsupportive attitude and comments about my father, following his outburst after I fell short on my exam, I really feel like a man without a country. My two best friends are about the most supportive people in my real life, aside from the support I get on here. It just angers me how no one considers the hell I'm going through now, trying with all my might to pass this exam. All they think about is themselves.
