Okay so I just got off the phone with my Mum. And of all days she calls the day that I am having major anixety, she calls today. I don't know what I did, or what I was thinking at the time, I've been in Louisville for about 3 weeks now, and this all just hit me like a ton of bricks....
Not many people know this here, and I'm kind of making a big step doing this...I am completely absolutely 100% hard on myself all the time. I've been this way from as long as I could remember. All the time, I had to impress someone, I had to leave good impressions, I couldn't have anyone disappointed in me. And this someone was mainly my Mum, which I don't understand why I would think that because my Mum loves my sister and I unconditionally no matter what we do, say, or just happen to fuck up. Live and learn, she always said that. But that was never good enough for me. See growing up I always kept to myself, constantly, I felt that my sister was more important because she was the ham of the two. I would always be in my room all the time playing with legos, or my kinex, I fucking love kinex. ANd my sister would always be hanging on my Mum and cling to her like a leech. That never bothered me ever, because I knew eventually I'll get my turn. Growing up in the teens, I was kind of a hermit, kept to myself and would go out occasionally with friends. My sister on the other hand had to stand out, be different. So from playing with kinex to teens I never really had a relationship with my Mum, I never talked to her about stuff, always kept to myself. High school came along and it was my sister's last year, so I felt that was really important. She's going to want to go to prom, and she has a good car, she's going to leave and go to school soon; "I want Mum to spend as much time with her, because she's going to leave soon, that's important", that's what I was thinking all the time. And I was fine with that. But being alone all the time and seeing all the things my sister has done wrong, I started to grow this anixety of being disappointed in. I had anixety about driving when I was 15, it took me forever to get the confidence to learn to drive a car. I failed the learners test like 3 times, and everytime I was devesated and I thought I was stupid. If I got a bad grade in a class I would freak out about not having a decent report card. My Mum was never really hard on us about our grades "Just try harder next time, don't be afraid to ask questions if you don't understand"....I love my Mum. At the end of my high school year I got this health problem that had me miss many days in school, but I still got really good grades, my Mum picked up my work everday. But I got this phone call a week before graduation from the guidence counselor telling me that I can't graduation because I missed too many days. I flipped the fuck out because graduating was important to me to impress my Mum. I don't know why but I just had to prove myself to her that I could do it. But we got that settled and I did walk. This is just a brief history of my aniexty problems...
Back to the beginning.... So I've been really hard on myself for the past couple of days because I feel stuck. Like half of the US, I'm stuck in a finanical bind and finding a job has become complicated. But for me according to my Mum, I'm acting like it's the end of the world. And well it kind of feels that way. I was successful at 20 years old, and after making a big mistake and the success turning to shit, I'm frustrated. I like it here in Louisville a lot, and I really want to make it work. I'm busting my ass to make this work. I don't want to depend on anyone anymore. I feel like I'm disappointing my Mum, not myself or anyone else, just my Mum. But she says I'm not, she's by my side, she's been through situations like this all the time at my age...but hearing her say that in a calm motherly voice that everything is fine, why isn't that good enough for me to relax? I don't want her to worry about me. She's been worrying about my sister for 2 years, I don't want to be another thing on her shoulders. We're out of the house, she can have her life back. I don't want to be a burden anymore.
Not many people know this here, and I'm kind of making a big step doing this...I am completely absolutely 100% hard on myself all the time. I've been this way from as long as I could remember. All the time, I had to impress someone, I had to leave good impressions, I couldn't have anyone disappointed in me. And this someone was mainly my Mum, which I don't understand why I would think that because my Mum loves my sister and I unconditionally no matter what we do, say, or just happen to fuck up. Live and learn, she always said that. But that was never good enough for me. See growing up I always kept to myself, constantly, I felt that my sister was more important because she was the ham of the two. I would always be in my room all the time playing with legos, or my kinex, I fucking love kinex. ANd my sister would always be hanging on my Mum and cling to her like a leech. That never bothered me ever, because I knew eventually I'll get my turn. Growing up in the teens, I was kind of a hermit, kept to myself and would go out occasionally with friends. My sister on the other hand had to stand out, be different. So from playing with kinex to teens I never really had a relationship with my Mum, I never talked to her about stuff, always kept to myself. High school came along and it was my sister's last year, so I felt that was really important. She's going to want to go to prom, and she has a good car, she's going to leave and go to school soon; "I want Mum to spend as much time with her, because she's going to leave soon, that's important", that's what I was thinking all the time. And I was fine with that. But being alone all the time and seeing all the things my sister has done wrong, I started to grow this anixety of being disappointed in. I had anixety about driving when I was 15, it took me forever to get the confidence to learn to drive a car. I failed the learners test like 3 times, and everytime I was devesated and I thought I was stupid. If I got a bad grade in a class I would freak out about not having a decent report card. My Mum was never really hard on us about our grades "Just try harder next time, don't be afraid to ask questions if you don't understand"....I love my Mum. At the end of my high school year I got this health problem that had me miss many days in school, but I still got really good grades, my Mum picked up my work everday. But I got this phone call a week before graduation from the guidence counselor telling me that I can't graduation because I missed too many days. I flipped the fuck out because graduating was important to me to impress my Mum. I don't know why but I just had to prove myself to her that I could do it. But we got that settled and I did walk. This is just a brief history of my aniexty problems...
Back to the beginning.... So I've been really hard on myself for the past couple of days because I feel stuck. Like half of the US, I'm stuck in a finanical bind and finding a job has become complicated. But for me according to my Mum, I'm acting like it's the end of the world. And well it kind of feels that way. I was successful at 20 years old, and after making a big mistake and the success turning to shit, I'm frustrated. I like it here in Louisville a lot, and I really want to make it work. I'm busting my ass to make this work. I don't want to depend on anyone anymore. I feel like I'm disappointing my Mum, not myself or anyone else, just my Mum. But she says I'm not, she's by my side, she's been through situations like this all the time at my age...but hearing her say that in a calm motherly voice that everything is fine, why isn't that good enough for me to relax? I don't want her to worry about me. She's been worrying about my sister for 2 years, I don't want to be another thing on her shoulders. We're out of the house, she can have her life back. I don't want to be a burden anymore.
