Apparently there seems to be a bit of disconnect when I get angry enough. I don't know if it's due to all the on and off stress that I've been dealing with in the last few months, but I seriously feel like I'm entering into some sort of breakdown. It's not that I want to kill myself or other people. It's that I want to hurt myself. I've been a cutter on and off. I don't have the courage to kill myself, fear of death and all that; technically I'm a coward. I find cutting to be extremely theraputic. I also think that it stops me from beating the shit out of people that have wronged me.
More or less, I'm extremely angry right now. Not sad, not depressed or forlorn. I'm pissed. Blind rage, I think it's called. My entire body is tense and it's slightly intoxicating because it's providing an adrenaline rush. When I took my son to his father's house, his mother was awake and bought him another toy, despite the fact that she knows it pisses me off because it's like she is buying his love. She's a manipulative, arrogant woman who loves nothing more then to wallow in her own self-pity and stir up drama within the family. She proceeded to talk to my son right in front of me by way of mocking me and how she knows it pisses me off with what she's constantly doing. So technically she was transferring passive-agressive statements to my son, covered up in a syrupy sweet voice. I sat on the couch and contemplated how good it would feel to take the toy she bought my son (a Cars laptop) and smash it over her head over and over again.
Driving home wasn't much better. After taking off, I was treated with some Chevy S10 POS Blazer who thought it would be superfun to ride my ass. I drive a 97 Intrepid, so his Blazer could've done damage to mine and I knew this. That didn't stop me from stomping on the brakes and causing him to swerve off road to avoid hitting me. I couldn't help feeling slightly upset that he didn't slam into me. I imagined that the pain it would cause me would be slightly enjoyable.
I know in the back of my head that it's not right to feel this way and it's not right to want to cause harm to myself (or others), but I'm having a hard time breaking this thought process.
I've got people more or less stalking me here and on other places I'm a part of, so I can't make this a public thread, like I had hoped to. I'm more or less stuck to posting it in the blog which I have marked private to anyone who's viewing the forum anonymously. I prevented the person who comes here to see my posts and threads from having his account verified, so I'm not worried abut him signing in to see this. I don't think he could figure out how to anyways. Is there a way to make my threads and posts private to those viewing this forum anonymously, or would it be too much of a hassle?
I'm just having a hard time at the moment and I'm not sure when it'll break. I could use some advice, but I'm really not looking for sympathy or arm-chair psych analyzations. I view those as cheap ways to try and fool people into thinking of other things. There transparent and I find them insulting. I'd honestly feel good cutting myself right now, I know that it's not good. But I don't know of any other way to get this anger out of me.
More or less, I'm extremely angry right now. Not sad, not depressed or forlorn. I'm pissed. Blind rage, I think it's called. My entire body is tense and it's slightly intoxicating because it's providing an adrenaline rush. When I took my son to his father's house, his mother was awake and bought him another toy, despite the fact that she knows it pisses me off because it's like she is buying his love. She's a manipulative, arrogant woman who loves nothing more then to wallow in her own self-pity and stir up drama within the family. She proceeded to talk to my son right in front of me by way of mocking me and how she knows it pisses me off with what she's constantly doing. So technically she was transferring passive-agressive statements to my son, covered up in a syrupy sweet voice. I sat on the couch and contemplated how good it would feel to take the toy she bought my son (a Cars laptop) and smash it over her head over and over again.
Driving home wasn't much better. After taking off, I was treated with some Chevy S10 POS Blazer who thought it would be superfun to ride my ass. I drive a 97 Intrepid, so his Blazer could've done damage to mine and I knew this. That didn't stop me from stomping on the brakes and causing him to swerve off road to avoid hitting me. I couldn't help feeling slightly upset that he didn't slam into me. I imagined that the pain it would cause me would be slightly enjoyable.
I know in the back of my head that it's not right to feel this way and it's not right to want to cause harm to myself (or others), but I'm having a hard time breaking this thought process.
I've got people more or less stalking me here and on other places I'm a part of, so I can't make this a public thread, like I had hoped to. I'm more or less stuck to posting it in the blog which I have marked private to anyone who's viewing the forum anonymously. I prevented the person who comes here to see my posts and threads from having his account verified, so I'm not worried abut him signing in to see this. I don't think he could figure out how to anyways. Is there a way to make my threads and posts private to those viewing this forum anonymously, or would it be too much of a hassle?
I'm just having a hard time at the moment and I'm not sure when it'll break. I could use some advice, but I'm really not looking for sympathy or arm-chair psych analyzations. I view those as cheap ways to try and fool people into thinking of other things. There transparent and I find them insulting. I'd honestly feel good cutting myself right now, I know that it's not good. But I don't know of any other way to get this anger out of me.
