"God" Um.. "He" does not exist, at least for me.. With my mom about to pass away, and my father about to win his 42 year war with my mom and me.. why woluld I believe in "God"?
As I've posted before, the meeting with my father on Saturday was just dreadful. He took no responsibilty for deserting me in 2010 when my mom was sick with cancer . He talked how he could have been nastier with the alimony, after serving my mom the sentence for his professional "misconduct". No one bothered him in 20 years for more money, except for the one time when we wanted to go to NJ for my mom to be treated by this doctor. He intentionally left my complex tax returns undone for 12 years, making it so I could get no graduate loans. My mom could not get loans for me after the divorce, because he intentionally put the house we lived in into foreclosure, after being ordered by the court to pay the mortgage, and not paying it.
He did professional misconduct, and paid millions to save his ass, leaving my mom with nothing. He never raised her alimony in 20 years, and the only reason he paid for undergrad school, is because he was in trouble, and his ex partner forced him to. He promised me a graduate school education in writing, and never came through.
In spite of this, I gave him chance after chance. When Market America failed in 2004, he cut off the money he had agreed to give me, to be fair to his wife, and maintain his $5000 a month apartment. He didnt see me for six years, and summoned me back in 2009. I went, trying to make it work with him. My reward was him dropping out on me, when my mom had cancer in 2010.
His first suggestion on Saturday was that I should go on disability. I'm not disabled. He disabled my life with the taxes. He then backed down. I dont know what my future holds.
I do need his help.. so.. I'm going to have to deal with people who dont mean a hill of beans to me.
I wanted to sheild myself from this,so that one day he wouldnt have this control.
My mom got cancer. I spent nights on my knees, praying to God for her to get well, so that I'd have her, and it would buy me time to not have to be tied into him.
Now, because Im going to need his help, I'm going to have to swallow my pride, and basically do what he says. He loves every minute of it. He has the money, the wife, the $6000 a month apartment, the world trips, his ex wife is going to die, and he has control over his son. The man is a warrior. Guaranteed if I was to get married, even if I'm sucking his family's ass, he would make my life a living hell.
"God" would have existed for me if one of the many different businesses I did had worked. That way I would not have been in his clutches now. "God" would have existed for me, if my mom had been in remission for a long length of time.
I'm basically just going to have to deal with Alan, my father,as a boss I dont like, with no emotion. Even my assistant, who I usually dont like, agreed that Alan should not have come to the meeting on Saturday as it is.
He loves every minute of it. My mom's cancer, my broken heart, and his control over my life.
He is an evil, miserable human being who hates my guts.
I suggested several different businesses to him now. He shot every one of them down.
My hope.. one day.. I find a viable business, and meet someone. He;s abusive to my family. They hate his guts like my mom and I hated his family.. it then ends between he and I for good.
My friends in RL, my family, even the driver, told me he hasnt changed, and never will. I hope that I can get on my feet quickly, so I will then have control over what happens with him.
"God"? No.. My mom dies, the criminal wins.. how is that justice.. for my mom's life.. or mine. Until I can get on my feet, and be free of him, and God punishes him for his crimes to me, I wont believe in God. As for my mom, she wont be around to see it. I dont know where she's going, because I dont know if I believe in heaven if I dont believe in God. Probably not. If there is hell, and my father continues to behave the way he did on Saturday, he will go to it when he dies. As for me.. I hope I can get established. As my father says,.,. "There are relationships and there are relationships". He will never have the love or respect from me that my mom does. She is/was a wonderful person. He is a monster. I will deal with him, grit my teeth, and go on. I doubt he will ever get his, but whatever happens, when he does die, if I'm still in his life, questionable given his history with me, I guarantee I will stand over his grave, and not feel the sense of loss I will when my mom dies. He doesnt hear a word I say, or care about anything I say or want. Thats not normal for a parent to do. He says he loves me "uncondtionally"., Bullshit. If he did, he wouldnt have dumped me for not seeing his wife, and would have not done the things he did to me.
He wins.. now.. which is why I dont believe in "God". IF "God" ever shows me he remembers me, by helping me if I work hard to achieve my goals, as I have, then maybe I will believe in him. "God" helps those who help themselves. Well, "God" hasnt helped me.
Anyhow, thats all.
Mitch\
As I've posted before, the meeting with my father on Saturday was just dreadful. He took no responsibilty for deserting me in 2010 when my mom was sick with cancer . He talked how he could have been nastier with the alimony, after serving my mom the sentence for his professional "misconduct". No one bothered him in 20 years for more money, except for the one time when we wanted to go to NJ for my mom to be treated by this doctor. He intentionally left my complex tax returns undone for 12 years, making it so I could get no graduate loans. My mom could not get loans for me after the divorce, because he intentionally put the house we lived in into foreclosure, after being ordered by the court to pay the mortgage, and not paying it.
He did professional misconduct, and paid millions to save his ass, leaving my mom with nothing. He never raised her alimony in 20 years, and the only reason he paid for undergrad school, is because he was in trouble, and his ex partner forced him to. He promised me a graduate school education in writing, and never came through.
In spite of this, I gave him chance after chance. When Market America failed in 2004, he cut off the money he had agreed to give me, to be fair to his wife, and maintain his $5000 a month apartment. He didnt see me for six years, and summoned me back in 2009. I went, trying to make it work with him. My reward was him dropping out on me, when my mom had cancer in 2010.
His first suggestion on Saturday was that I should go on disability. I'm not disabled. He disabled my life with the taxes. He then backed down. I dont know what my future holds.
I do need his help.. so.. I'm going to have to deal with people who dont mean a hill of beans to me.
I wanted to sheild myself from this,so that one day he wouldnt have this control.
My mom got cancer. I spent nights on my knees, praying to God for her to get well, so that I'd have her, and it would buy me time to not have to be tied into him.
Now, because Im going to need his help, I'm going to have to swallow my pride, and basically do what he says. He loves every minute of it. He has the money, the wife, the $6000 a month apartment, the world trips, his ex wife is going to die, and he has control over his son. The man is a warrior. Guaranteed if I was to get married, even if I'm sucking his family's ass, he would make my life a living hell.
"God" would have existed for me if one of the many different businesses I did had worked. That way I would not have been in his clutches now. "God" would have existed for me, if my mom had been in remission for a long length of time.
I'm basically just going to have to deal with Alan, my father,as a boss I dont like, with no emotion. Even my assistant, who I usually dont like, agreed that Alan should not have come to the meeting on Saturday as it is.
He loves every minute of it. My mom's cancer, my broken heart, and his control over my life.
He is an evil, miserable human being who hates my guts.
I suggested several different businesses to him now. He shot every one of them down.
My hope.. one day.. I find a viable business, and meet someone. He;s abusive to my family. They hate his guts like my mom and I hated his family.. it then ends between he and I for good.
My friends in RL, my family, even the driver, told me he hasnt changed, and never will. I hope that I can get on my feet quickly, so I will then have control over what happens with him.
"God"? No.. My mom dies, the criminal wins.. how is that justice.. for my mom's life.. or mine. Until I can get on my feet, and be free of him, and God punishes him for his crimes to me, I wont believe in God. As for my mom, she wont be around to see it. I dont know where she's going, because I dont know if I believe in heaven if I dont believe in God. Probably not. If there is hell, and my father continues to behave the way he did on Saturday, he will go to it when he dies. As for me.. I hope I can get established. As my father says,.,. "There are relationships and there are relationships". He will never have the love or respect from me that my mom does. She is/was a wonderful person. He is a monster. I will deal with him, grit my teeth, and go on. I doubt he will ever get his, but whatever happens, when he does die, if I'm still in his life, questionable given his history with me, I guarantee I will stand over his grave, and not feel the sense of loss I will when my mom dies. He doesnt hear a word I say, or care about anything I say or want. Thats not normal for a parent to do. He says he loves me "uncondtionally"., Bullshit. If he did, he wouldnt have dumped me for not seeing his wife, and would have not done the things he did to me.
He wins.. now.. which is why I dont believe in "God". IF "God" ever shows me he remembers me, by helping me if I work hard to achieve my goals, as I have, then maybe I will believe in him. "God" helps those who help themselves. Well, "God" hasnt helped me.
Anyhow, thats all.
Mitch\
