I made a stunning discovery about myself today. They say the litmus-test of your sanity is how closely your self-perception matches up with how others see you.... Well, I've just realized that I am probably batshit crazy.
Let me give you a little backstory so you understand...
I was always a skinny little kid growing up. Like, naturally skinny. Ectomorphic. Orlando Bloom skinny. Just a missed meal away from passing out. Then when I was about 15, my body started to piss me off, so I decided to do something about it. I bought a set of weights, I started drinking protein shakes, and it worked. I gained 30 pounds of muscle, I got to where I could do 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups...my nickname was Popeye. I got big. Ripped.
Then a few years back, I fell into a pretty severe depression, which destroyed my health and made me lose a lot of weight. Ever since then, I haven't had the energy to really hit the weights or the appetite to eat the way I used to. I've kind of been in mourning for the level of fitness I used to have.
And for the last few months, whenever I've looked in the mirror, I've felt like I was a little smaller than I was the last time I looked. Literally like I was under a curse like in that movie Thinner. Almost imperceptibly getting skinnier and weaker day by day. It was terrifying.
And to compensate, I've gotten obsessed with food. I count calories, but in the opposite way most people do. I maximize my calories. I try to eat several small meals throughout the day so I can gain more weight. If it's bedtime and my stomach is empty, I have to eat before I can sleep. And even so, every time I look in the damned mirror, it seemed like there's less of me looking back.
Then today, I came across a video of myself shot a week ago here at school...and I was shocked by what I saw. Fucking shocked. I didn't actually look skinny and weak...I looked big. Healthy. Not at all like what I've been feeling. Hell, it almost looked like I could safely lose a couple pounds. It was so weird, at first I didn't even recognize that it was me in that video, I looked so different. My self-perception has been lying to me for the last few months, and I don't know why.
So there you have it...I'm obviously suffering from some kind of delusions, or body-image issues, or an eating disorder, or something...anybody want to take a guess about what the fuck is going on? Cause I got nothing. My brain has gone fucking crazy, and I have no idea what to do about it.
Let me give you a little backstory so you understand...
I was always a skinny little kid growing up. Like, naturally skinny. Ectomorphic. Orlando Bloom skinny. Just a missed meal away from passing out. Then when I was about 15, my body started to piss me off, so I decided to do something about it. I bought a set of weights, I started drinking protein shakes, and it worked. I gained 30 pounds of muscle, I got to where I could do 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups...my nickname was Popeye. I got big. Ripped.
Then a few years back, I fell into a pretty severe depression, which destroyed my health and made me lose a lot of weight. Ever since then, I haven't had the energy to really hit the weights or the appetite to eat the way I used to. I've kind of been in mourning for the level of fitness I used to have.
And for the last few months, whenever I've looked in the mirror, I've felt like I was a little smaller than I was the last time I looked. Literally like I was under a curse like in that movie Thinner. Almost imperceptibly getting skinnier and weaker day by day. It was terrifying.
And to compensate, I've gotten obsessed with food. I count calories, but in the opposite way most people do. I maximize my calories. I try to eat several small meals throughout the day so I can gain more weight. If it's bedtime and my stomach is empty, I have to eat before I can sleep. And even so, every time I look in the damned mirror, it seemed like there's less of me looking back.
Then today, I came across a video of myself shot a week ago here at school...and I was shocked by what I saw. Fucking shocked. I didn't actually look skinny and weak...I looked big. Healthy. Not at all like what I've been feeling. Hell, it almost looked like I could safely lose a couple pounds. It was so weird, at first I didn't even recognize that it was me in that video, I looked so different. My self-perception has been lying to me for the last few months, and I don't know why.
So there you have it...I'm obviously suffering from some kind of delusions, or body-image issues, or an eating disorder, or something...anybody want to take a guess about what the fuck is going on? Cause I got nothing. My brain has gone fucking crazy, and I have no idea what to do about it.
