http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=io1WSolwlcw
Winter is over, the days are getting longer, the sun is actually making feeble attempts to stay visible for longer and longer periods... yet... I just can't seem to shake this damned depression.
It has never persisted to this degree for this long. I keep waiting for that bipolar bounce that'll send me into the usual spring mania... but it just... isn't... coming.
I try going through the motions that used to snap me out of this, thinking that if I pretend long enough, it will become reality... but it isn't working this time.
I know that my present situation has a lot to do with it, but you think I'd be over it by now. Therapy taught me that if you talk out your problems, and talk enough, eventually, gradually, you will feel better. That is all fine... but I know of no friend that wants to hear for the hundredth time that I am miserable, I am sad, my life has lost its luster, its purpose, its fun and I just wanna go home.
But the funny thing is... I don't want to go home as much as I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I remember how much fun I had back there, how life felt worth living, how happy I was, how my friends made me feel as if I mattered and counted, how they made me feel needed and necessary, how they made me feel loved. And how I just threw that all away on a whim, on the hope that although I had all that, even more was waiting for me somewhere else.
I was greedy. I wanted more when I should have been happy with what I had. So maybe I'm this depressed because I am still mad at myself. I have none of that here. What was I thinking? I certainly didn't come all this way to sit in a room, doing nothing, going nowhere. I didn't come this far just to be lonely. This is certainly not what I expected. But I have done this to myself. There is no one else to blame.
I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those cherry-popping moments in my life. One of those times where, like virginity, once you have lost it you can never get it back. That happiness I felt out west is probably gone for good. And it has been replaced by... this.
I can relate to that song in so many ways. How do you get that lonely, that sad, that empty... yet no one can see it? The overwhelming feeling of lonliness, sadness and emptiness is so strong, that I often wonder how people I am around everyday just can't see it. It feels as if it should be a flashing neon sign above my head, yet... no one notices. Is it because I have gotten used to hiding it so well that it is invisible? Or is it because the people around me really do not care?
Back home, my friends noticed when I was slipping, they were my gauges because I couldn't see the depression until I stepped into it and was swallowed whole. They saw it before it happened, not just one friend, not a couple... but ALL of them saw it... and told me about it... and did their best not to let me slip too far. I had a great support system. Maybe it has gotten this bad because there was no one here to catch me before I went too deep. Maybe that is why I have never felt it this strong. My friends, the people who loved me best, cared for me enough to keep me from sinking into oblivion. And I never knew how much they all held me together... until now.
Don't get me wrong. Suicide is not an option. Not as long as my dog is alive anyway. He saved my life once. Literally. I would not be here today had he not intervened. I owe him to be there for him as he was for me and I will stick it out... a little longer... if for nothing else... but for him. And when he goes... well... I suppose I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it and see what happens. But... if my heart were to stop tonight... in my sleep... it would be a blessing. I am so exhausted and tired. I just want to close my eyes and be done with it.
Most people who have never experienced the deep depression of a mental cannot fathom or grasp how it feels. And it is hard to describe. The closest I could come... would be to say it's like being deep underwater. It's dark, the pressure on your chest is intense. You are utterly, alone. You struggle in slow motion to swim to the surface but it is so far away. You need to breathe and your lungs are exploding but you dare not take a breath because there is no air. Yet still you struggle, impotently trying to get to the surface and life, but in spite of all your swimming and struggling, you are going nowhere... and the pressure on your chest increases. I believe the term is called debilitating.
No one around me sees this. And I have no support system. And I am all alone in this. And I have no idea what to do.
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody knows?
Believe me... having no life at all would be a thousand times better than having this one. And nobody knows.
Winter is over, the days are getting longer, the sun is actually making feeble attempts to stay visible for longer and longer periods... yet... I just can't seem to shake this damned depression.
It has never persisted to this degree for this long. I keep waiting for that bipolar bounce that'll send me into the usual spring mania... but it just... isn't... coming.
I try going through the motions that used to snap me out of this, thinking that if I pretend long enough, it will become reality... but it isn't working this time.
I know that my present situation has a lot to do with it, but you think I'd be over it by now. Therapy taught me that if you talk out your problems, and talk enough, eventually, gradually, you will feel better. That is all fine... but I know of no friend that wants to hear for the hundredth time that I am miserable, I am sad, my life has lost its luster, its purpose, its fun and I just wanna go home.
But the funny thing is... I don't want to go home as much as I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I remember how much fun I had back there, how life felt worth living, how happy I was, how my friends made me feel as if I mattered and counted, how they made me feel needed and necessary, how they made me feel loved. And how I just threw that all away on a whim, on the hope that although I had all that, even more was waiting for me somewhere else.
I was greedy. I wanted more when I should have been happy with what I had. So maybe I'm this depressed because I am still mad at myself. I have none of that here. What was I thinking? I certainly didn't come all this way to sit in a room, doing nothing, going nowhere. I didn't come this far just to be lonely. This is certainly not what I expected. But I have done this to myself. There is no one else to blame.
I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those cherry-popping moments in my life. One of those times where, like virginity, once you have lost it you can never get it back. That happiness I felt out west is probably gone for good. And it has been replaced by... this.
I can relate to that song in so many ways. How do you get that lonely, that sad, that empty... yet no one can see it? The overwhelming feeling of lonliness, sadness and emptiness is so strong, that I often wonder how people I am around everyday just can't see it. It feels as if it should be a flashing neon sign above my head, yet... no one notices. Is it because I have gotten used to hiding it so well that it is invisible? Or is it because the people around me really do not care?
Back home, my friends noticed when I was slipping, they were my gauges because I couldn't see the depression until I stepped into it and was swallowed whole. They saw it before it happened, not just one friend, not a couple... but ALL of them saw it... and told me about it... and did their best not to let me slip too far. I had a great support system. Maybe it has gotten this bad because there was no one here to catch me before I went too deep. Maybe that is why I have never felt it this strong. My friends, the people who loved me best, cared for me enough to keep me from sinking into oblivion. And I never knew how much they all held me together... until now.
Don't get me wrong. Suicide is not an option. Not as long as my dog is alive anyway. He saved my life once. Literally. I would not be here today had he not intervened. I owe him to be there for him as he was for me and I will stick it out... a little longer... if for nothing else... but for him. And when he goes... well... I suppose I'll just have to cross that bridge when I come to it and see what happens. But... if my heart were to stop tonight... in my sleep... it would be a blessing. I am so exhausted and tired. I just want to close my eyes and be done with it.
Most people who have never experienced the deep depression of a mental cannot fathom or grasp how it feels. And it is hard to describe. The closest I could come... would be to say it's like being deep underwater. It's dark, the pressure on your chest is intense. You are utterly, alone. You struggle in slow motion to swim to the surface but it is so far away. You need to breathe and your lungs are exploding but you dare not take a breath because there is no air. Yet still you struggle, impotently trying to get to the surface and life, but in spite of all your swimming and struggling, you are going nowhere... and the pressure on your chest increases. I believe the term is called debilitating.
No one around me sees this. And I have no support system. And I am all alone in this. And I have no idea what to do.
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody knows?
Believe me... having no life at all would be a thousand times better than having this one. And nobody knows.
