Lately, I've been around here far less often than usual. Some of you may have noticed, a couple of you may have even cared. This was nothing personal; mostly it's because my girlfriend has moved into my apartment, and so much of time I normally devote to the forum has been spent doing a lot of...well, naked touching.
Now, I'm the last man in the world to complain about naked touching. But since we've started spending all our free time together, I find myself getting oddly stressed. I've found myself needing a drink more often than usual; I'm even flirting with my old mistress, cigarettes. I haven't been able to devote myself to any creative project; I feel consumed. I feel the need to be on my own for a few blessed hours of relief. And I've been trying to puzzle out whether these feelings are because I'm with her, or because I'm with anybody.
It's probably normal [or is it? I don't know!] to have doubts about any serious relationship just as it starts to get really serious. As the initial carnal enchantment starts to fade a bit, you start to perceive the other person's human faults. You get to know them better, and you love them more deeply as a result. You lose the rose-tinted lenses without losing the affection. This is [I think?] how it's supposed to be. But what happens if your brain won't stop circling the flaws in your paramour? What happens if the doubts just keep hammering at your consciousness? Is that normal?
Now, I'm the first person to admit I have flaws of my own. One of the big ones is how bad I am with people. I'm not rude or hostile (except when I choose to be), but I have a very hard time seeing things from another's perspective. I'm generally an intelligent man, but I have all the relational intelligence of a mongoloid on paint fumes. So statistically I know there's a very high likelihood that this is a problem with me, and not her. But that doesn't change the fact that I very often find myself utterly baffled and frankly annoyed with my girlfriend's behaviour. It's not so much that she does things that upset me; it's that her motivations are so alien to me, I have a hard time even knowing how to feel about them.
For instance, my girlfriend is a huge dork. It's one of the things that attracted me to her. She likes the same obscure films and TV shows as I do. It's great...on the surface. But here's the rub: she'll watch a show Firefly or Mad Men, and then she'll watch a show like Bones or CSI: Fucktardville. She consumes everything; she's a pop-culture whore. Which means that we actually don't have common interests; my little sphere of interest is simply engulfed by her much larger sphere. It's not serendipity, it's large-number theory. Stress.
Also, she won't ever re-watch something. If she watches a movie or TV episode a second time, it's because enough time has passed that she's forgotten it. I'm the opposite; if I've just seen something awesome, I immediately want to experience it again. Maybe this is an addictive trait; I don't know. But I can't for the life of me understand anyone who can watch, say Doctor Zhivago, and be blown away by it (and she did say she enjoyed it), and not want to watch it at least a second time. Didn't anything strike you as worthy of repeat viewings? Don't you want to go back with the benefit of foreknowledge and see if anything takes on a new resonance? I ask her, and she tells me it will be boring to see it again, now that she knows what's going to happen. And I'm stuck. Such a pedestrian answer; it wasn't a fucking Agatha Christie whodunnit, for Christ sakes! And I realize that she's not seeing any beauty in this art, or at least not the kind of beauty I'm seeing. It's mere entertainment; a series of things happened onscreen, and that's that. And again I wonder, what do I have in common with this girl? Stress; Drink.
As I set this all down, I'm conscious of the fact that it sounds like I'm obsessing over trivialities. And maybe I am; is it wrong to care about the little things? Can other people let them slide so effortlessly? Can you teach me how? Then again, are these things so little? Big traits give themselves away in ticks. So should I find it surprising or hurtful when I discover that she hasn't bothered to read an article I published earlier this year in a professional journal, my first piece of real success as an author? I've never seen her pick up a non-fictional book. She's never expressed interest in a single abstract idea; why should she find my pursuits interesting then? Is this the kind of thing we're supposed not to care about in our partner?
I'm not really interested in wallowing in self-pity here. On most any given day, I can cross the room and have kinky, indulgent sex with a beautiful woman, and that's a privilege one shouldn't take for granted. My question, dear reader, is Does any of this sound familiar? Are my problems the problems of anyone who's begun sharing a much larger chunk of his life with someone than he's used to, or does it sound worse than that? Are we going through a phase as a couple, or are we moving in different directions? Are we keeping the affection, now that the rose tinting is fading away, or was it all rose-tint? Is it normal to ask such questions? I can't stay sober and I can't afford to drink my problems away; I need answers!
Now, I'm the last man in the world to complain about naked touching. But since we've started spending all our free time together, I find myself getting oddly stressed. I've found myself needing a drink more often than usual; I'm even flirting with my old mistress, cigarettes. I haven't been able to devote myself to any creative project; I feel consumed. I feel the need to be on my own for a few blessed hours of relief. And I've been trying to puzzle out whether these feelings are because I'm with her, or because I'm with anybody.
It's probably normal [or is it? I don't know!] to have doubts about any serious relationship just as it starts to get really serious. As the initial carnal enchantment starts to fade a bit, you start to perceive the other person's human faults. You get to know them better, and you love them more deeply as a result. You lose the rose-tinted lenses without losing the affection. This is [I think?] how it's supposed to be. But what happens if your brain won't stop circling the flaws in your paramour? What happens if the doubts just keep hammering at your consciousness? Is that normal?
Now, I'm the first person to admit I have flaws of my own. One of the big ones is how bad I am with people. I'm not rude or hostile (except when I choose to be), but I have a very hard time seeing things from another's perspective. I'm generally an intelligent man, but I have all the relational intelligence of a mongoloid on paint fumes. So statistically I know there's a very high likelihood that this is a problem with me, and not her. But that doesn't change the fact that I very often find myself utterly baffled and frankly annoyed with my girlfriend's behaviour. It's not so much that she does things that upset me; it's that her motivations are so alien to me, I have a hard time even knowing how to feel about them.
For instance, my girlfriend is a huge dork. It's one of the things that attracted me to her. She likes the same obscure films and TV shows as I do. It's great...on the surface. But here's the rub: she'll watch a show Firefly or Mad Men, and then she'll watch a show like Bones or CSI: Fucktardville. She consumes everything; she's a pop-culture whore. Which means that we actually don't have common interests; my little sphere of interest is simply engulfed by her much larger sphere. It's not serendipity, it's large-number theory. Stress.
Also, she won't ever re-watch something. If she watches a movie or TV episode a second time, it's because enough time has passed that she's forgotten it. I'm the opposite; if I've just seen something awesome, I immediately want to experience it again. Maybe this is an addictive trait; I don't know. But I can't for the life of me understand anyone who can watch, say Doctor Zhivago, and be blown away by it (and she did say she enjoyed it), and not want to watch it at least a second time. Didn't anything strike you as worthy of repeat viewings? Don't you want to go back with the benefit of foreknowledge and see if anything takes on a new resonance? I ask her, and she tells me it will be boring to see it again, now that she knows what's going to happen. And I'm stuck. Such a pedestrian answer; it wasn't a fucking Agatha Christie whodunnit, for Christ sakes! And I realize that she's not seeing any beauty in this art, or at least not the kind of beauty I'm seeing. It's mere entertainment; a series of things happened onscreen, and that's that. And again I wonder, what do I have in common with this girl? Stress; Drink.
As I set this all down, I'm conscious of the fact that it sounds like I'm obsessing over trivialities. And maybe I am; is it wrong to care about the little things? Can other people let them slide so effortlessly? Can you teach me how? Then again, are these things so little? Big traits give themselves away in ticks. So should I find it surprising or hurtful when I discover that she hasn't bothered to read an article I published earlier this year in a professional journal, my first piece of real success as an author? I've never seen her pick up a non-fictional book. She's never expressed interest in a single abstract idea; why should she find my pursuits interesting then? Is this the kind of thing we're supposed not to care about in our partner?
I'm not really interested in wallowing in self-pity here. On most any given day, I can cross the room and have kinky, indulgent sex with a beautiful woman, and that's a privilege one shouldn't take for granted. My question, dear reader, is Does any of this sound familiar? Are my problems the problems of anyone who's begun sharing a much larger chunk of his life with someone than he's used to, or does it sound worse than that? Are we going through a phase as a couple, or are we moving in different directions? Are we keeping the affection, now that the rose tinting is fading away, or was it all rose-tint? Is it normal to ask such questions? I can't stay sober and I can't afford to drink my problems away; I need answers!
