After awakening from a long nap.. following this terrible day, and this terrible week, I finally came to the conclusion of exactly what's bothering me. "The Very Bottom Line", as my mom used to say..
My father.. my two aunts.. etc..
I have one minute calls with my father.. Our relationship is based on him.. reprimanding me.. or directing me what I should do, etc. Granted,. "The Gym", The Speech Therapist, working at Aflac. All those things have helped me, but.. he's not the type of person I can just sit down and talk to. He's too impatient, and too short tempered.
My two aunts. Women with very serious problems. I know they want to see things go well for me,.. but.. they go on about themselves.,. and often want to end the phone call, if I start talking about my frustrations, with Aflac, Keith, my father.. etc.
When my mom was alive.. during good times,. and especially during the bad times. We used to talk.. for hours. When I was in college.. I built up astronomical phone bills, before phone deregulation, cell phones, etc, just talking to her..
I never went though a major life change without talking to her. I started college, we talked, started new businesses, we talked, trouble with my dad, we talked. I know if she was still here, and if I was having a bad time with Aflac or Keith, we would just talk about it.
Now, I don't have that.. She's gone..
I just need mom to talk to, and she's not here.
I've thought a million ways to Sunday..,about whether it would be the time to attempt to find a girlfriend.. to fill the loneliness/emotional gap of how awful I feel sometimes.. Then I think.
No.. not now.. Not Yet. Too much uncertainity
I cant go through the whole dating/getting to know someone process now.
Then there are other factors.
My stuttering still isn't great. It's better, but.. I don't know if I feel ready to date yet.
The ongoing aggravation with Keith, and my father.
What happens if the deal with the law firm doesn't go through, and I get fired? How will I feel, having to deal with a relationship then?
I want to be on more stable footing before I start to date.
Of course, the lady I used to see for counseling at college, during my parents divorce, would say these are all excuses and justifications not to date, and to shy away from relationships.
I want to see what happens with the situation with the law firm.
I had originally set a goal, of wanting to have a girl to kiss at midnight this New Years Eve. I know I have to get moving if I want that to happen.
I think, if the deal with the law firm does go through, and if I am on more stable footing at Aflac, such would cause me not to be so upset at everything Keith and my father do, and I would feel ready to take the step into a relationship, and be ready to act/behave as I would need to, to be in a successful relationship, in spite of my serious problems with my father and Keith.
My father.. my two aunts.. etc..
I have one minute calls with my father.. Our relationship is based on him.. reprimanding me.. or directing me what I should do, etc. Granted,. "The Gym", The Speech Therapist, working at Aflac. All those things have helped me, but.. he's not the type of person I can just sit down and talk to. He's too impatient, and too short tempered.
My two aunts. Women with very serious problems. I know they want to see things go well for me,.. but.. they go on about themselves.,. and often want to end the phone call, if I start talking about my frustrations, with Aflac, Keith, my father.. etc.
When my mom was alive.. during good times,. and especially during the bad times. We used to talk.. for hours. When I was in college.. I built up astronomical phone bills, before phone deregulation, cell phones, etc, just talking to her..
I never went though a major life change without talking to her. I started college, we talked, started new businesses, we talked, trouble with my dad, we talked. I know if she was still here, and if I was having a bad time with Aflac or Keith, we would just talk about it.
Now, I don't have that.. She's gone..
I just need mom to talk to, and she's not here.
I've thought a million ways to Sunday..,about whether it would be the time to attempt to find a girlfriend.. to fill the loneliness/emotional gap of how awful I feel sometimes.. Then I think.
No.. not now.. Not Yet. Too much uncertainity
I cant go through the whole dating/getting to know someone process now.
Then there are other factors.
My stuttering still isn't great. It's better, but.. I don't know if I feel ready to date yet.
The ongoing aggravation with Keith, and my father.
What happens if the deal with the law firm doesn't go through, and I get fired? How will I feel, having to deal with a relationship then?
I want to be on more stable footing before I start to date.
Of course, the lady I used to see for counseling at college, during my parents divorce, would say these are all excuses and justifications not to date, and to shy away from relationships.
I want to see what happens with the situation with the law firm.
I had originally set a goal, of wanting to have a girl to kiss at midnight this New Years Eve. I know I have to get moving if I want that to happen.
I think, if the deal with the law firm does go through, and if I am on more stable footing at Aflac, such would cause me not to be so upset at everything Keith and my father do, and I would feel ready to take the step into a relationship, and be ready to act/behave as I would need to, to be in a successful relationship, in spite of my serious problems with my father and Keith.
