To start, I love you all. Everyone who has given me kind comments, virtual hugs, and their support through this ugly betrayal that I've been dealing with. All of you have helped me tremendously during a time where I want to hide in my room and cry my heart out or get a punching bag so I can take out my anger.
Like the title says, I hate what he did but I don't hate him. I think it would be easy to say that I do, but I can't. I was getting to a low point my life when I met Dan. I never thought I would find anyone to love and be loved by.
Until him I never had a boyfriend. The one thing that always annoyed me when chatting with someone on like yahoo messenger is people asking why I don't have a boyfriend. It was something that just didn't happen. I'm a big gal; I just never met a guy who saw beyond my weight. That, and I was shy as hell so flirting with a guy was like out of the question.
It's kind of the reason why I did dating sites; it was through PlentyofFish that I met Dan. It seemed like a safe, easy way to meet people without the fear that they're going to reject you because of the way you look.
It was the night before Valentine's and I went with my friend and her fiance to VFW for drinks and fun. At midnight, officially becoming Valentine's Day, and the DJ put on a slow dance for all the couples. My brother, being the dork that he is
, slow danced with himself. 
But I was sitting by myself like I was for most of the night and I just felt, ugh, like I was never going to find anyone to be with. I don't think I've ever felt more crappier than that night. Jealousy, envy, and longing for something I didn't think would happen to me. Who would love someone who's fat? 🙁
Then Dan sent me a message on POF and I replied. We started talking and we hit it off. After a week of exchanging messages, we met offline. We clicked offline just as we did online. It was great. I was happy.
I've always been the type to think things through so when I make a decision that I don't regret it. We talked about sex; I told him I was a virgin and he had... experience. He told me how great sex was and how I missing out but he was teasing me, not in a mean way. After a few dates, while on one of our dates, I told him I was ready. In my heart, it felt right.
That night, he was the one who hesitated. He was scared because the last time he was with a virgin was when he was 17 and still a virgin himself. He wanted me to be absolutely sure and he didn't want to hurt me. That just cemented my belief that this was right to take our relationship to that level.
Nine and a half months. We had our fights but we had many moments of fun and love. He was everything that I wanted. His dad and stepmom told me that I was the best thing to happen to Dan, and knowing how his ex-girlfriends had treated him in the past, I knew I was different them and I wanted to prove to Dan that not all girls will treat you like shit.
Anyway they told me I was the best thing to happen to him, but he was also the best thing to happen to me too. He helped me with my self-confidence. He helped show me that I was worth loving. That there are guys out there who see beyond looks and weight.
In a way, it made the betrayal even worse because he was my first love, my first everything. I loved him; I still do but I know I can't stay with someone I can't trust.
I also know even though I have every right and reason to hate him. I can't. I hate what he did but not him.
It's already...