Yeah, so, I saw Dan today. First time since he got hauled off to jail. He got out of prison on Monday. It was not fun seeing him at all. Well, at the end, before I headed home. It started out ok, talked a bit and I thought we were on the same wavelength of just being friends, and things were good. The old spark is still there, but I know things can't go back to the way they were. There's too much damage that needs to be fixed before even considering starting again.
Of course, things were just too good to be true. To think everything was ok with us just being friends obviously wasn't. He started being a little flirty and giving me the look "Hey, let's get frisky." I'm like no, mainly because he hasn't gone in to get tested and treated for that little gift he gave me.
So he's like we can do other things that doesn't involve actual intercourse but still be getting frisky. Again, I'm like no, I don't want sex to muddy up things. Especially after a comment he made in one of his letters, which I brought along to reference for our talk. I showed him what he wrote and it was like it didn't even phase him. All he thought about was "I thought we were starting over, wiping the slate clean." Yeah we are, but I'm showing you why I don't want to mix sex with our friendship.
That's when we realized we weren't really on the same page. He thought we were starting over; I thought we would be friends and then see how things go. And that's what I want and need right now. For him and me to just be friends. I still love him and God knows I shouldn't, but I do. Yet I also know that my trust in him was broken and it needs to be rebuilt before I even entertain the idea of getting back with him. He's just not getting it. He wants us to start dating again and he's subtly putting the pressure on me. Wanting to know if there's a chance for getting back together and I just don't know.
I told him, you don't have to like this, but you either accept this as your chance to show me that you're willing to go slow and be friends and show me that things will be different or you don't accept it and our friendship has to end completely. I have a feeling it'll eventually be the latter. We just have too many problems that need fixing and he either doesn't want to talk about it or he doesn't understand what I'm saying. Especially when it comes to my fetish. I try telling him that you have to tell me if me having sessions make you uncomfortable and I'll stop, but he goes I don't want to stop you from doing something that makes you happy and I don't want to control you. Telling me "Hey I'm not too keen on other guys touching you (even if it's just tickling)" is not control. Control would be wanting me to stop visiting TMF, to never go to a gathering, and to not share this fetish as a couple ever. Never telling me that it makes you uncomfortable will only lead to resentment. He says it wouldn't, but I know it would because I'm not dumb. I can read his body language and know that he doesn't like it.
Whatever. Maybe I should just end things permanently. I don't know. I don't want to 'cause I love his dad and stepmom, but shit happens. Ugh, I just don't know.
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^ Doesn't fit exactly, but I'm crazy for feeling the way that I am.
Plus, Patsy Cline is just amazing.
Of course, things were just too good to be true. To think everything was ok with us just being friends obviously wasn't. He started being a little flirty and giving me the look "Hey, let's get frisky." I'm like no, mainly because he hasn't gone in to get tested and treated for that little gift he gave me.
So he's like we can do other things that doesn't involve actual intercourse but still be getting frisky. Again, I'm like no, I don't want sex to muddy up things. Especially after a comment he made in one of his letters, which I brought along to reference for our talk. I showed him what he wrote and it was like it didn't even phase him. All he thought about was "I thought we were starting over, wiping the slate clean." Yeah we are, but I'm showing you why I don't want to mix sex with our friendship.That's when we realized we weren't really on the same page. He thought we were starting over; I thought we would be friends and then see how things go. And that's what I want and need right now. For him and me to just be friends. I still love him and God knows I shouldn't, but I do. Yet I also know that my trust in him was broken and it needs to be rebuilt before I even entertain the idea of getting back with him. He's just not getting it. He wants us to start dating again and he's subtly putting the pressure on me. Wanting to know if there's a chance for getting back together and I just don't know.
I told him, you don't have to like this, but you either accept this as your chance to show me that you're willing to go slow and be friends and show me that things will be different or you don't accept it and our friendship has to end completely. I have a feeling it'll eventually be the latter. We just have too many problems that need fixing and he either doesn't want to talk about it or he doesn't understand what I'm saying. Especially when it comes to my fetish. I try telling him that you have to tell me if me having sessions make you uncomfortable and I'll stop, but he goes I don't want to stop you from doing something that makes you happy and I don't want to control you. Telling me "Hey I'm not too keen on other guys touching you (even if it's just tickling)" is not control. Control would be wanting me to stop visiting TMF, to never go to a gathering, and to not share this fetish as a couple ever. Never telling me that it makes you uncomfortable will only lead to resentment. He says it wouldn't, but I know it would because I'm not dumb. I can read his body language and know that he doesn't like it.
Whatever. Maybe I should just end things permanently. I don't know. I don't want to 'cause I love his dad and stepmom, but shit happens. Ugh, I just don't know.
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^ Doesn't fit exactly, but I'm crazy for feeling the way that I am.
Plus, Patsy Cline is just amazing.
It's already...