Forgive me for this entry. Will likely sound pretty pathetic/immature. No idea how long it'll go. Just need to get some crap off my chest. Out in the open. Can't think properly.
So, here I am once again. Stupid hours of the morning. 3:37, says the collection of pixels in the lower right of my screen, next to the show desktop bar and nestled above the date. If I click on these pixels, I will be presented with a calendar. I can go forwards, or back.
If I go back, I don't see anything that's really happened in my life recently. I finished A-level exams. I started getting my room into some semblance of order. Didn't finish. Started driving lessons.
If I go further back, there's still very little there. No memories. Just revising, or at least meaning to, or doing coursework. No time for anything but. No days out with friends. No time to see people, no time to go out and poison my body in the hopes of a good time. No time for anything - except that's a blatant lie, because I've had nothing but time. I just haven't used it.
Let's go even further back. To Christmas. What the hell have I done since Christmas?
Was all going OK until around Febuary. Went up to St Andrews for a weekend. Came back. Apparently my normal group of night-out-people had a good night; I had better. Literally, three girls in one night, and a stupid amount of alcohol. Staggered back to my friend's flat afterwards.
York, the week after. Absolutely amazing time. So many people I hadn't seen for so damn long. Stressful as hell - when you're 18 and a two-hit axeman and somehow the most experienced and high-ranking member of your local bit of the re-enactment society on the battlefield, it's to be expected. I got through that though. Had an amazing time when all's said and done. Saw fire-spinners for the first time, and decided "that is epic." Considered seeing if there's a local group or something that I could join when I have the money, nothing's come of it so far.
Week after. Go out with the normal group. Ends badly. Won't go into details, suffice to say lies were told about me and, predictably, others believed.
That is the most recent time I have been out with that group. Aside from the leaver's ball. More on that shortly.
Since then, I've been growing apart from my group of friends in general. Part of me is thinking it's for the best. So many of them are off to uni next year, perhaps it would be best if I don't have emotional ties that will need to be partially severed. But another part of me is screaming in denial at this. Literally.
Because they're all I have, at the moment.
I suppose it's really my own fault. I should have been more active. Made more friends.
Been busy. Ill. Coursework. But that's just it. I can make excuse after excuse after bloody pointless excuse, it will not change the fact that this is entirely my own fault and I cannot motivate myself to change it.
In the time that has passed since the end of the exams... it's been almost a month. And I have done NOTHING. Not met up with people. Not made plans to, as such. Not gone out properly, not started applying for a job or anything. Dammit, what the fuck is wrong with me.
I had this... plan, you know? The exams would finish. I'd get my life on track - clear the crap out of my room, get a job for summer, longer. Meet up with people.
I've not done it.
Oh, there's been some reasons. First little while, I had no money. And now I have people's birthdays incoming. Nobody my own age though... chrissakes, I'm going to be wishing a friend happy 41st birthday in a few weeks, and I'm 18.
Plus... weirdly, it's like I actively don't want to meet with some people. Group I mentioned earlier, obviously. I'm one of those people who sort of gets on with a mix of other people, you know? Some people in a group I'm fine with. Some I'm really, really not.
But eeh. One specific person I really want to meet up with at some point really soon, haven't properly seen her outside of 6th form for god knows how long. We used to be really, really close, but then after she got into a relationship with someone a bit weird, we drifted. By "weird" I mean "couldn't accept it when she broke up with him, and still doesn't seem to be able to, to the extent he has been known to seem to try and intimidate other guys into not hanging around with her." But anyway. We met up once or twice after this. Really want to meet up with her at some point soon. We're some of the only people in the year group not going straight off to Uni. I really, really don't want to lose contact - because of this fact, I want to keep it more than ever. To tell the truth, I might not mind being more than just friends with her, but at the same time I don't want to risk our friendship and, well, we look for totally different things in a relationship anyway. I think. Gah, I don't even know anymore, that's the problem. Settle with tickling the crap out of her one day 😉 Heh.
Thing is, even with all the crap that's happened in the past year, I wouldn't change any of it. Ever. It's something of a personal belief of mine, I suppose; if the past did not happen exactly as it did, would things be the same as they are now? Had someone not made a BS story up about me, would I be having serious sleep issues now? Had me and someone else started going out after the exams like we planned, would we be together now, would the exam stress not have torn us apart with no hope of reconciliation?
There's no way of knowing. There's an infinite amount of things that might have changed had we done things differently, from slightly to huge. Had I been born three years earlier, would I be now finished uni? Had I been born ten years earlier, would I now be working at something? Twenty, thirty, forty, would I be a bum in a gutter or would I be prime bloody minister?
I have absolutely no idea how I got onto this tangent, but it seems interesting. Have to think on it further someday.
Anyway. Back to the calendar. Back to that collection of pixels on a computer screen that has brought me to this entry.
I talked about going backwards. Enough with that, the past is how it is. Let's leave it, not dwell on it. What's my plans for the future?
I've decided; this weekend, I will write a damn CV if it kills me. That's the first thing. I need a job. I need money. I need something to lift me out of this rut I seem to be stuck in - going nowhere, accomplishing nothing.
After that... I don't know. Set weekend aside for CV. Sometime in next week, blanket bomb city with it.
Hopefully get interview.
Also next week: aim to be in town on Mon. Friend I mentioned earlier should be getting out of 6th form around the time I finish giving a small city lots of bits of paper selling myself.
If she is, then cool. Try and organise better meet. ASAP.
If not, then ah well. Will catch her sooner or later, I reckon. Not the easiest person to contact, sadly.
Driving lessons, continue as per the norm.
Last weekend August. Re-enactment thing. Should be good, looking forward to the one the week after more though. Very good friend going to that one, and I want to try out the new knife tricks I've picked up. Some really nasty stuff... throwing the knife to the other hand during a lunge, thus adding about two, three feet to my reach, some stuff adapted from swordplay, a lock that I've almost got sorted and the "hold knife out right in front of you and laugh at them when they don't know what the hell to do" thing. Plus, be nice to have someone better than the newbies I was fighting last time 😛 Keep my instincts sharp and reflexes sharper...
Anyway. Enough of that.
You know, I started writing at about 3:40. It's now 4:40. AM.
I think I'm going to skip sleep for now. Stay up through Sat, get decent night sleep tonight, then CV on Sun.
Should help with the fucked up sleep pattern.
Hm.
Damn. Got distracted.
I can't really think of anything else to write at the moment. The sleep-lack thing is kicking in. Will be out of it all day, joy... if my posts or anything don't make sense, that's why.
Anyway, I've done what I started writing to do. Cleared my head out. Clicking post in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, now.
So, here I am once again. Stupid hours of the morning. 3:37, says the collection of pixels in the lower right of my screen, next to the show desktop bar and nestled above the date. If I click on these pixels, I will be presented with a calendar. I can go forwards, or back.
If I go back, I don't see anything that's really happened in my life recently. I finished A-level exams. I started getting my room into some semblance of order. Didn't finish. Started driving lessons.
If I go further back, there's still very little there. No memories. Just revising, or at least meaning to, or doing coursework. No time for anything but. No days out with friends. No time to see people, no time to go out and poison my body in the hopes of a good time. No time for anything - except that's a blatant lie, because I've had nothing but time. I just haven't used it.
Let's go even further back. To Christmas. What the hell have I done since Christmas?
Was all going OK until around Febuary. Went up to St Andrews for a weekend. Came back. Apparently my normal group of night-out-people had a good night; I had better. Literally, three girls in one night, and a stupid amount of alcohol. Staggered back to my friend's flat afterwards.
York, the week after. Absolutely amazing time. So many people I hadn't seen for so damn long. Stressful as hell - when you're 18 and a two-hit axeman and somehow the most experienced and high-ranking member of your local bit of the re-enactment society on the battlefield, it's to be expected. I got through that though. Had an amazing time when all's said and done. Saw fire-spinners for the first time, and decided "that is epic." Considered seeing if there's a local group or something that I could join when I have the money, nothing's come of it so far.
Week after. Go out with the normal group. Ends badly. Won't go into details, suffice to say lies were told about me and, predictably, others believed.
That is the most recent time I have been out with that group. Aside from the leaver's ball. More on that shortly.
Since then, I've been growing apart from my group of friends in general. Part of me is thinking it's for the best. So many of them are off to uni next year, perhaps it would be best if I don't have emotional ties that will need to be partially severed. But another part of me is screaming in denial at this. Literally.
Because they're all I have, at the moment.
I suppose it's really my own fault. I should have been more active. Made more friends.
Been busy. Ill. Coursework. But that's just it. I can make excuse after excuse after bloody pointless excuse, it will not change the fact that this is entirely my own fault and I cannot motivate myself to change it.
In the time that has passed since the end of the exams... it's been almost a month. And I have done NOTHING. Not met up with people. Not made plans to, as such. Not gone out properly, not started applying for a job or anything. Dammit, what the fuck is wrong with me.
I had this... plan, you know? The exams would finish. I'd get my life on track - clear the crap out of my room, get a job for summer, longer. Meet up with people.
I've not done it.
Oh, there's been some reasons. First little while, I had no money. And now I have people's birthdays incoming. Nobody my own age though... chrissakes, I'm going to be wishing a friend happy 41st birthday in a few weeks, and I'm 18.
Plus... weirdly, it's like I actively don't want to meet with some people. Group I mentioned earlier, obviously. I'm one of those people who sort of gets on with a mix of other people, you know? Some people in a group I'm fine with. Some I'm really, really not.
But eeh. One specific person I really want to meet up with at some point really soon, haven't properly seen her outside of 6th form for god knows how long. We used to be really, really close, but then after she got into a relationship with someone a bit weird, we drifted. By "weird" I mean "couldn't accept it when she broke up with him, and still doesn't seem to be able to, to the extent he has been known to seem to try and intimidate other guys into not hanging around with her." But anyway. We met up once or twice after this. Really want to meet up with her at some point soon. We're some of the only people in the year group not going straight off to Uni. I really, really don't want to lose contact - because of this fact, I want to keep it more than ever. To tell the truth, I might not mind being more than just friends with her, but at the same time I don't want to risk our friendship and, well, we look for totally different things in a relationship anyway. I think. Gah, I don't even know anymore, that's the problem. Settle with tickling the crap out of her one day 😉 Heh.
Thing is, even with all the crap that's happened in the past year, I wouldn't change any of it. Ever. It's something of a personal belief of mine, I suppose; if the past did not happen exactly as it did, would things be the same as they are now? Had someone not made a BS story up about me, would I be having serious sleep issues now? Had me and someone else started going out after the exams like we planned, would we be together now, would the exam stress not have torn us apart with no hope of reconciliation?
There's no way of knowing. There's an infinite amount of things that might have changed had we done things differently, from slightly to huge. Had I been born three years earlier, would I be now finished uni? Had I been born ten years earlier, would I now be working at something? Twenty, thirty, forty, would I be a bum in a gutter or would I be prime bloody minister?
I have absolutely no idea how I got onto this tangent, but it seems interesting. Have to think on it further someday.
Anyway. Back to the calendar. Back to that collection of pixels on a computer screen that has brought me to this entry.
I talked about going backwards. Enough with that, the past is how it is. Let's leave it, not dwell on it. What's my plans for the future?
I've decided; this weekend, I will write a damn CV if it kills me. That's the first thing. I need a job. I need money. I need something to lift me out of this rut I seem to be stuck in - going nowhere, accomplishing nothing.
After that... I don't know. Set weekend aside for CV. Sometime in next week, blanket bomb city with it.
Hopefully get interview.
Also next week: aim to be in town on Mon. Friend I mentioned earlier should be getting out of 6th form around the time I finish giving a small city lots of bits of paper selling myself.
If she is, then cool. Try and organise better meet. ASAP.
If not, then ah well. Will catch her sooner or later, I reckon. Not the easiest person to contact, sadly.
Driving lessons, continue as per the norm.
Last weekend August. Re-enactment thing. Should be good, looking forward to the one the week after more though. Very good friend going to that one, and I want to try out the new knife tricks I've picked up. Some really nasty stuff... throwing the knife to the other hand during a lunge, thus adding about two, three feet to my reach, some stuff adapted from swordplay, a lock that I've almost got sorted and the "hold knife out right in front of you and laugh at them when they don't know what the hell to do" thing. Plus, be nice to have someone better than the newbies I was fighting last time 😛 Keep my instincts sharp and reflexes sharper...
Anyway. Enough of that.
You know, I started writing at about 3:40. It's now 4:40. AM.
I think I'm going to skip sleep for now. Stay up through Sat, get decent night sleep tonight, then CV on Sun.
Should help with the fucked up sleep pattern.
Hm.
Damn. Got distracted.
I can't really think of anything else to write at the moment. The sleep-lack thing is kicking in. Will be out of it all day, joy... if my posts or anything don't make sense, that's why.
Anyway, I've done what I started writing to do. Cleared my head out. Clicking post in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, now.
