I realize that the potential for a real problem exists here. I'm going to explain myself, and ask that discretion used when replying. This is a very hard subject for me to talk about.
I want to start this entry by swearing on the graves of everyone I hold dear (My mom, grandparents, ) that there was not, and was NEVER an inappropriate relationship, sexually, physically, etc, between me and my mom. However, when I look at all we went through together, with the divorce, the estrangement from my father, the tax problems I had, the failed business, her cancer ordeal, my seizure and almost dying, then her recurrance of cancer and death. The bottom line is...
The way it was set up, essentially, its almost like.. I was like my mom';s partner, without the sex, and losing her, is almost like, the loss of a life partner.
The way I see it: I dealt with everything during the cancer fight, things my dad should have been dealing with if they were married. The Drs, her setbacks, illness, hospital visits, the final diagnosis, the midnight calls from the nursing homes, and my being there alone without anyone else when she died.
We lived together, worked together, and kept each other';s secrets. Me about her age from my dad. Her about my tax problems from everyone. We fought for each other.
She didnt take my dad back to court for more money because I asked her not to. I often wrote my dad emails in her behalf requesting her alimony every month. She would go to bat for me if someone on either side of the family attacked me. I refused to see Cheryl for years, not only because my dad found Cheryl before ironing out his relationship with me, but also because of how he really screwed my mom financially in the divorce.
The average 42 year old who loses their parent, and who had a good relationship with them, would grieve, and go on. However, it isnt likely their whole life would be turned upside down the way mine was. I was left alone in that apartment to clean up all her things, had to move back to NY, and reconcile with my dad and his familky, not to mention endure bad treatment from both him, and his family.
My aunt the artist has a friend whose a shrink, Before I even came to this conclusion... my aunt's friend said to my aunt. "Mitch and Sheila are more.. emotionally.. like husband and wife.., or partners.. instead of mother and son".
My aunt infatically told me yesterday that my mom would want me to go on, and that she would be very angry if she knew how I was grieving. The fact is.. while I know this.. I also know that no one loved me as much as she did.
There were many times when I was in college that I was very much untied from her. I was busy with schoolwork, friends, etc. Yet, if I was driving back to school on Monday morning from the weekend, she would always say "Call me when you get to school. ".
During the cancer fight.. I was with her always. When we got the diagnosis, for all treatments, Dr meetings, etc. I was the one who told her about the tumor in her brain. She awakened in the ER in Lancaster to see my face, and knew right away. I told her about the brain tumor, and she couldnt even look at me.
The night I had my seizure in NJ, and almost died, when I got back to the room with her, I heard she had been hysterical, and they had to heavily medicate her to calm her down. I got out of bed, and her eyes were closed. I said simply "I'm here". She looked at me, and said "Dont ever do that again. I cant do this without you".
As I've posted before, there were times I simply was not nice to her, both while we were in NJ, and other times. She would have been within her right to kick me out, but never did.
Now, I'm alone.,. with her having left me. I hope shes happy at peace. I talk to her at night. I dont know if she can hear me. I look at pictures of us together.. long before I had accomplished anything in college, and she had a look of content like "Yeah, thats mine".
I dont know how or what will make it better. I think the analysis I've written, is really how it is.
I want to start this entry by swearing on the graves of everyone I hold dear (My mom, grandparents, ) that there was not, and was NEVER an inappropriate relationship, sexually, physically, etc, between me and my mom. However, when I look at all we went through together, with the divorce, the estrangement from my father, the tax problems I had, the failed business, her cancer ordeal, my seizure and almost dying, then her recurrance of cancer and death. The bottom line is...
The way it was set up, essentially, its almost like.. I was like my mom';s partner, without the sex, and losing her, is almost like, the loss of a life partner.
The way I see it: I dealt with everything during the cancer fight, things my dad should have been dealing with if they were married. The Drs, her setbacks, illness, hospital visits, the final diagnosis, the midnight calls from the nursing homes, and my being there alone without anyone else when she died.
We lived together, worked together, and kept each other';s secrets. Me about her age from my dad. Her about my tax problems from everyone. We fought for each other.
She didnt take my dad back to court for more money because I asked her not to. I often wrote my dad emails in her behalf requesting her alimony every month. She would go to bat for me if someone on either side of the family attacked me. I refused to see Cheryl for years, not only because my dad found Cheryl before ironing out his relationship with me, but also because of how he really screwed my mom financially in the divorce.
The average 42 year old who loses their parent, and who had a good relationship with them, would grieve, and go on. However, it isnt likely their whole life would be turned upside down the way mine was. I was left alone in that apartment to clean up all her things, had to move back to NY, and reconcile with my dad and his familky, not to mention endure bad treatment from both him, and his family.
My aunt the artist has a friend whose a shrink, Before I even came to this conclusion... my aunt's friend said to my aunt. "Mitch and Sheila are more.. emotionally.. like husband and wife.., or partners.. instead of mother and son".
My aunt infatically told me yesterday that my mom would want me to go on, and that she would be very angry if she knew how I was grieving. The fact is.. while I know this.. I also know that no one loved me as much as she did.
There were many times when I was in college that I was very much untied from her. I was busy with schoolwork, friends, etc. Yet, if I was driving back to school on Monday morning from the weekend, she would always say "Call me when you get to school. ".
During the cancer fight.. I was with her always. When we got the diagnosis, for all treatments, Dr meetings, etc. I was the one who told her about the tumor in her brain. She awakened in the ER in Lancaster to see my face, and knew right away. I told her about the brain tumor, and she couldnt even look at me.
The night I had my seizure in NJ, and almost died, when I got back to the room with her, I heard she had been hysterical, and they had to heavily medicate her to calm her down. I got out of bed, and her eyes were closed. I said simply "I'm here". She looked at me, and said "Dont ever do that again. I cant do this without you".
As I've posted before, there were times I simply was not nice to her, both while we were in NJ, and other times. She would have been within her right to kick me out, but never did.
Now, I'm alone.,. with her having left me. I hope shes happy at peace. I talk to her at night. I dont know if she can hear me. I look at pictures of us together.. long before I had accomplished anything in college, and she had a look of content like "Yeah, thats mine".
I dont know how or what will make it better. I think the analysis I've written, is really how it is.
