I'm posting this in the blog.. as I've been doing.
Bottom line:
My friend Barney is an arrogant prick, and the ultimate hypocrite.
This is not "Jealousy" talking.
As i';ve posted.. he has a very checkered job history, having been fired from many jobs. Right now he is in a good period, and has a job.
When he's "Down", he expects everyone to lick his wounds, but when things are going well for him, even if others are suffering.. there is no more arrogant person in the world.
The week before I moved to Lancaster in 1999, Barney had been fired for one of the many times. At the time, I was happy to be leaving NJ. He did not even want to hear anything about my move, once. He accused me of "deserting him".
This, from someone, who rubbed his world trips non stop in my face, as I was struggling in the 1990s.
When I moved to NY.. there was a period that Barney was unemployed. As horrible as 2012 was for me,,. 2013 has been worse. 2012 was bad between the day I found out about my mom's brain tumor, and the day I left PA. Besides that. it was more quiet than it is now.
In 2013.. I was ignored by lucrative sources about the business I want to do.. could not sell my art work to raise money, and now.., I'm having such trouble with the insurance exam, as much as I'm killing myself.,. This.. not to mention.. the ongoing issues with my father.. and how he really has no relationship with me. .
My mom, may she rest in peace.. always said "Take life one day at a time". She had to do that, and so did we.. Look at the cruel blow both she and I were dealt. Two years ago, for Thanksgiving.. she was "Cancer Free". and we were planning our lives both personal and business. We thought she was "Fine..", and were told "Not to worry about Cancer". Less than three months later.. she had a terminal brain tumor.. Six weeks after that.. she was gone. Nothing I "Planned" has ever been the same since.
I just sent Barney a sharp e-mail telling him to get off his high horse, and his arrogance.. with his long term plans, and smug ness.
If.. as has happened so many times before.. he lost his job.. and I suddenly passed the exam... or... got a source to listen to me about my desired business.. or.. suddenly met a nice woman.. and Barney was out of work.,. or didn't have a woman,.,. he wouldn't want to hear about my plans.
This is not "jealousy" talking. My friends have had far more than me in their lives. I just don't appreciate his high on the hog attitude.
As for me.. more exams.. more failing grades. I'm going to keep trying.. and.. I;m not giving up yet.. but.. I suspect I will be for more frustration and heartbreak.
I just want to run away.. from everyone..
I don't pray to God anymore. I never will again. I was on my knees, every night.. from March 2010, the day I found out about my mom's lung cancer.,. until the day I found out she was going to die from a terminal brain tumor.
How did he answer my prayers?
Did he reward me for my hard work in Market America?
Did he save my mom's life.. after the suffering and hell she and I went through in NJ for 3 months in 2011?
Did he help with a decent reconciliation with my father and his family.. after I was so gracious to them all?
Did he help with the president of Market America listening to me about my business idea?
Did he reward me with a passing grade on the insurance exam.,. with how I've been killing myself.. so I can make a good living, and be free of my father?
"God helps those who he wants to help".
I know the naysayers. "You could be homeless" "Your father could decide he's done with you".
Yes, he could.. If he did.. it wouldn't surprise me in the least.
I don't think about that. If it happens.. I will deal with it one day at a time.. as I do everything else in my life.
My aunt says that my hard work is going to cause a change for the better in my life. That's nice of her to say.. but.. I'd be lying if I said I believed that.
Insurance is a professional license. It's a chance for me to make a decent living in my 40s.. with the reality that in spite of my age and health issues.. I might still be able to attract a woman, if she sees a nice guy, with a potential future, who could support her and her child, if we had one together... or if a woman with a child from another relationship became involved with me. Even if she was working, and had a good career, I could certainly carry my share of the load.
If I don't pass. and I'm regulated to some minimum wage job for the rest of my life.. why would a woman be with me, with my health and family issues? I wouldn't want to.
Anyhow.. I know this is a rather.. uneven rant. I'm just fucking sick of everything.
The worst thing:
I hope there is an afterlife.. and that my mom is having the time of her life with our departed relatives. I miss her every day. My heart longs to hug her for just one minute.
I suspect..
That she may not even miss me that much.
As I've posted.. I was not nice to her in NJ in the summer of 2011. The biggest crime I've ever committed.
If one does see their relatives if there is an afterlife, those are the first things I would say to her if I see her.. whenever it is that I do die..
I hope she would forgive me.
Seriously.. if something good doesn't happen soon.. after all my hard work... I really will never believe again.
Bottom line:
My friend Barney is an arrogant prick, and the ultimate hypocrite.
This is not "Jealousy" talking.
As i';ve posted.. he has a very checkered job history, having been fired from many jobs. Right now he is in a good period, and has a job.
When he's "Down", he expects everyone to lick his wounds, but when things are going well for him, even if others are suffering.. there is no more arrogant person in the world.
The week before I moved to Lancaster in 1999, Barney had been fired for one of the many times. At the time, I was happy to be leaving NJ. He did not even want to hear anything about my move, once. He accused me of "deserting him".
This, from someone, who rubbed his world trips non stop in my face, as I was struggling in the 1990s.
When I moved to NY.. there was a period that Barney was unemployed. As horrible as 2012 was for me,,. 2013 has been worse. 2012 was bad between the day I found out about my mom's brain tumor, and the day I left PA. Besides that. it was more quiet than it is now.
In 2013.. I was ignored by lucrative sources about the business I want to do.. could not sell my art work to raise money, and now.., I'm having such trouble with the insurance exam, as much as I'm killing myself.,. This.. not to mention.. the ongoing issues with my father.. and how he really has no relationship with me. .
My mom, may she rest in peace.. always said "Take life one day at a time". She had to do that, and so did we.. Look at the cruel blow both she and I were dealt. Two years ago, for Thanksgiving.. she was "Cancer Free". and we were planning our lives both personal and business. We thought she was "Fine..", and were told "Not to worry about Cancer". Less than three months later.. she had a terminal brain tumor.. Six weeks after that.. she was gone. Nothing I "Planned" has ever been the same since.
I just sent Barney a sharp e-mail telling him to get off his high horse, and his arrogance.. with his long term plans, and smug ness.
If.. as has happened so many times before.. he lost his job.. and I suddenly passed the exam... or... got a source to listen to me about my desired business.. or.. suddenly met a nice woman.. and Barney was out of work.,. or didn't have a woman,.,. he wouldn't want to hear about my plans.
This is not "jealousy" talking. My friends have had far more than me in their lives. I just don't appreciate his high on the hog attitude.
As for me.. more exams.. more failing grades. I'm going to keep trying.. and.. I;m not giving up yet.. but.. I suspect I will be for more frustration and heartbreak.
I just want to run away.. from everyone..
I don't pray to God anymore. I never will again. I was on my knees, every night.. from March 2010, the day I found out about my mom's lung cancer.,. until the day I found out she was going to die from a terminal brain tumor.
How did he answer my prayers?
Did he reward me for my hard work in Market America?
Did he save my mom's life.. after the suffering and hell she and I went through in NJ for 3 months in 2011?
Did he help with a decent reconciliation with my father and his family.. after I was so gracious to them all?
Did he help with the president of Market America listening to me about my business idea?
Did he reward me with a passing grade on the insurance exam.,. with how I've been killing myself.. so I can make a good living, and be free of my father?
"God helps those who he wants to help".
I know the naysayers. "You could be homeless" "Your father could decide he's done with you".
Yes, he could.. If he did.. it wouldn't surprise me in the least.
I don't think about that. If it happens.. I will deal with it one day at a time.. as I do everything else in my life.
My aunt says that my hard work is going to cause a change for the better in my life. That's nice of her to say.. but.. I'd be lying if I said I believed that.
Insurance is a professional license. It's a chance for me to make a decent living in my 40s.. with the reality that in spite of my age and health issues.. I might still be able to attract a woman, if she sees a nice guy, with a potential future, who could support her and her child, if we had one together... or if a woman with a child from another relationship became involved with me. Even if she was working, and had a good career, I could certainly carry my share of the load.
If I don't pass. and I'm regulated to some minimum wage job for the rest of my life.. why would a woman be with me, with my health and family issues? I wouldn't want to.
Anyhow.. I know this is a rather.. uneven rant. I'm just fucking sick of everything.
The worst thing:
I hope there is an afterlife.. and that my mom is having the time of her life with our departed relatives. I miss her every day. My heart longs to hug her for just one minute.
I suspect..
That she may not even miss me that much.
As I've posted.. I was not nice to her in NJ in the summer of 2011. The biggest crime I've ever committed.
If one does see their relatives if there is an afterlife, those are the first things I would say to her if I see her.. whenever it is that I do die..
I hope she would forgive me.
Seriously.. if something good doesn't happen soon.. after all my hard work... I really will never believe again.
