Because he'll never understand me.
I got a letter in the mail yesterday from Dan. The gist of it is that he's hoping that things aren't over and that he wants to work things through. He wants me to start listening to my heart and not my brain.
Well, I'm starting to see him in a whole other light. In other letters to each other, he's been honest about how he's felt about things and I've been honest about how I've felt about him not being honest with me. Particularly about he wasn't honest with me about he felt about me having sessions with other men.
He explained that the reason he said that he wouldn't hold it against me if I have sex with another man was in case things went too far in a session. He hoped it would make things easier for me to tell him if things went that far. Ugh, it's like he hasn't heard a word I've said and he never knew me at all.
Sex is my hard limit when it comes to sessions. Before Dan, it was because I was still a virgin and I didn't just want my first time to be with some random guy I meet for a session. Oh, I had an opportunity to lose my virginity with my first ler. I liked him a lot. I thought things would develop between us, but shit happened and I never saw him again. Oh well. I'm glad it didn't happen then. I'm glad I waited until I found someone I loved. I'm glad it was with Dan.
While I was with Dan, sex was still a hard limit because I was in a committed relationship. That intimacy was reserved for the man I loved. Dan told me it was fine if I had a session with someone and I was talking to a guy for a potential session. That guy and I were on the same wavelength when it came to sex. It wasn't going to happen because he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. It ended up not panning out, but I realized my planning a session was bugging Dan. He just didn't tell me until after everything came crashing down.
Now that I'm single, sex in a session for me has changed. Well, I'm not going to just have sex with some random guy that I have a session with. However, if the guy is single and we hit things off on a deeper level than friendship, maybe. But that's for some other blog.
Anyway, overall, Dan sounds pretty sincere about wanting to work things out, but with one stupid comment in this letter just destroyed any hopes he had of trying to win me back. Writing he goes, "I don't want this to come out sounding mean but good luck finding a guy that is so understanding as me about your fetish." Adding, "Unless of course you start dating people off your website then maybe. But I thought that me being an outsider I handled it very well."
Bullshit! He handled it all wrong. If he wasn't comfortable with me having sessions, then he should have told me. If he didn't want me having sessions, then I would have stopped. Dan indulged me, but I loved having a full out session. Yet if he had told me his concerns and worries, that he didn't like the thought of another man touching me even if it was just to tickle me, then I would have stopped. I didn't have a session while with Dan, but I would have stopped looking for someone to have a session with.
I honestly believe if Dan hadn't gone back to prison and we continued on our path, he's saying it was ok for me to have a session would have eventually ended things. His resentment and jealousy would have grown into something ugly and it would have destroyed our relationship. It probably would have hurt worse than it did a month ago.
He never knew me, he never trusted me, because if he did, he would have talked to me. But he didn't so I'm glad it's over.
I got a letter in the mail yesterday from Dan. The gist of it is that he's hoping that things aren't over and that he wants to work things through. He wants me to start listening to my heart and not my brain.
Well, I'm starting to see him in a whole other light. In other letters to each other, he's been honest about how he's felt about things and I've been honest about how I've felt about him not being honest with me. Particularly about he wasn't honest with me about he felt about me having sessions with other men.
He explained that the reason he said that he wouldn't hold it against me if I have sex with another man was in case things went too far in a session. He hoped it would make things easier for me to tell him if things went that far. Ugh, it's like he hasn't heard a word I've said and he never knew me at all.
Sex is my hard limit when it comes to sessions. Before Dan, it was because I was still a virgin and I didn't just want my first time to be with some random guy I meet for a session. Oh, I had an opportunity to lose my virginity with my first ler. I liked him a lot. I thought things would develop between us, but shit happened and I never saw him again. Oh well. I'm glad it didn't happen then. I'm glad I waited until I found someone I loved. I'm glad it was with Dan.
While I was with Dan, sex was still a hard limit because I was in a committed relationship. That intimacy was reserved for the man I loved. Dan told me it was fine if I had a session with someone and I was talking to a guy for a potential session. That guy and I were on the same wavelength when it came to sex. It wasn't going to happen because he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. It ended up not panning out, but I realized my planning a session was bugging Dan. He just didn't tell me until after everything came crashing down.
Now that I'm single, sex in a session for me has changed. Well, I'm not going to just have sex with some random guy that I have a session with. However, if the guy is single and we hit things off on a deeper level than friendship, maybe. But that's for some other blog.
Anyway, overall, Dan sounds pretty sincere about wanting to work things out, but with one stupid comment in this letter just destroyed any hopes he had of trying to win me back. Writing he goes, "I don't want this to come out sounding mean but good luck finding a guy that is so understanding as me about your fetish." Adding, "Unless of course you start dating people off your website then maybe. But I thought that me being an outsider I handled it very well."
Bullshit! He handled it all wrong. If he wasn't comfortable with me having sessions, then he should have told me. If he didn't want me having sessions, then I would have stopped. Dan indulged me, but I loved having a full out session. Yet if he had told me his concerns and worries, that he didn't like the thought of another man touching me even if it was just to tickle me, then I would have stopped. I didn't have a session while with Dan, but I would have stopped looking for someone to have a session with.
I honestly believe if Dan hadn't gone back to prison and we continued on our path, he's saying it was ok for me to have a session would have eventually ended things. His resentment and jealousy would have grown into something ugly and it would have destroyed our relationship. It probably would have hurt worse than it did a month ago.
He never knew me, he never trusted me, because if he did, he would have talked to me. But he didn't so I'm glad it's over.
It's already...