I have never felt this frustrated and helpless in my entire life. Not only can I not think of one single action that would likely yield a positive result, but sitting around doing nothing is no better, and yet I feel like it's my only option.
Isn't shit like this supposed to wear off after awhile? Isn't it supposed to get easier? How long until I lie down at night or wake up in the morning and think about something else?
Why? What is so different? Whatever it is, it's completely intangible, unidentifiable. I can deal with just about anything if I can understand it. If I can make it make sense to me, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else, I can handle it. I can work through it, understand it and be okay, but this - this I just cannot understand. I can't wrap my mind around it.
I feel like my thoughts are racing, because I never stop thinking. But really, my mind is so congested with what is, what was, what will be, what maybe used to be but isn't anymore, what isn't now but might be later, what is now but might not be later, what could have been, what probably won't be, what will never be, what definitely will be and all the different combinations thereof, that my thoughts and feelings seem to never entirely make it out. I try to explain them and express them, but no matter how much I talk, how much I repeat myself, how many examples I give I can never really get the message across. I mean, there are a few people, two, maybe three, who have a pretty accurate idea, but nobody fully and completely understands.
Don't get me wrong, there are good days and bad days. Some days I feel amazing, like I never should have doubted myself in the first place. Of course things are going to go my way, because that's the way it should be. We all deserve it. It's what is best for just about everyone. Then they are days, like today, when I wonder how I ever could have been so naive.
Bottom line, I can't do this anymore. It's been too much for too long. I'm tired of being upset and frustrated and confused. I'm tired of allowing myself these false hopes. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of not sleeping, and when I do sleep I'm tired of dreaming about it. I'm tired of hearing songs about it and watching movies about it and answering questions about it. I'm tired of keeping secrets. I'm tired of fake smiles. I'm tired of feeling the constant need to censor myself.
I have to do something, but anything is a gamble, and I can't decide if the potential, albeit unlikely, benefit outweighs the perceived cost. Is there a cost? I always thought there would be. So far there really hasn't been, not in the way I thought there would be. But is that because I've done mostly nothing?
Ignoring my own potential gain, trying to be objective, as difficult - maybe impossible - as it is doesn't make my decision any easier. I don't believe the end, no matter how good, justifies the means. Karma and all that. I have to be able to say I never did anything I regret, right? I have to be able to say to myself I never acted out of selfishness, right? Regardless of the outcome, I have to be able to say that given another chance, I'd do it all the same. Or if I did make changes, they'd be benign.
God, I feel like this makes no sense. Just the incoherent ramblings of someone who's smelled one too many Christmas candles.
Isn't shit like this supposed to wear off after awhile? Isn't it supposed to get easier? How long until I lie down at night or wake up in the morning and think about something else?
Why? What is so different? Whatever it is, it's completely intangible, unidentifiable. I can deal with just about anything if I can understand it. If I can make it make sense to me, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else, I can handle it. I can work through it, understand it and be okay, but this - this I just cannot understand. I can't wrap my mind around it.
I feel like my thoughts are racing, because I never stop thinking. But really, my mind is so congested with what is, what was, what will be, what maybe used to be but isn't anymore, what isn't now but might be later, what is now but might not be later, what could have been, what probably won't be, what will never be, what definitely will be and all the different combinations thereof, that my thoughts and feelings seem to never entirely make it out. I try to explain them and express them, but no matter how much I talk, how much I repeat myself, how many examples I give I can never really get the message across. I mean, there are a few people, two, maybe three, who have a pretty accurate idea, but nobody fully and completely understands.
Don't get me wrong, there are good days and bad days. Some days I feel amazing, like I never should have doubted myself in the first place. Of course things are going to go my way, because that's the way it should be. We all deserve it. It's what is best for just about everyone. Then they are days, like today, when I wonder how I ever could have been so naive.
Bottom line, I can't do this anymore. It's been too much for too long. I'm tired of being upset and frustrated and confused. I'm tired of allowing myself these false hopes. I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of not sleeping, and when I do sleep I'm tired of dreaming about it. I'm tired of hearing songs about it and watching movies about it and answering questions about it. I'm tired of keeping secrets. I'm tired of fake smiles. I'm tired of feeling the constant need to censor myself.
I have to do something, but anything is a gamble, and I can't decide if the potential, albeit unlikely, benefit outweighs the perceived cost. Is there a cost? I always thought there would be. So far there really hasn't been, not in the way I thought there would be. But is that because I've done mostly nothing?
Ignoring my own potential gain, trying to be objective, as difficult - maybe impossible - as it is doesn't make my decision any easier. I don't believe the end, no matter how good, justifies the means. Karma and all that. I have to be able to say I never did anything I regret, right? I have to be able to say to myself I never acted out of selfishness, right? Regardless of the outcome, I have to be able to say that given another chance, I'd do it all the same. Or if I did make changes, they'd be benign.
God, I feel like this makes no sense. Just the incoherent ramblings of someone who's smelled one too many Christmas candles.
