Maybe I asked for this one myself, but my father is truly unreal.
I had requested a sit down alone with him.. to hopefully discuss the time frame for when he thinks the situation with the lawyer could be happening, and if maybe he could push it. I couldn't discuss certain things in front of Cheryl the last time I saw them on Sunday. .
He has,.,. hours.. days.. makes adjustments for everyone else but me.
He insisted we meet today.. when I have to go to the office in Lower Manhattan for a meeting.
Instead of compromising and meeting me in a neutral location, he insisted I come all the way to his apartment on the Upper East Side, which requires about six subways round trip.
Such is precisely why my mom was always against me dealing with him. She felt he would always want to make me look like a horse's ass, and that he, and anyone in his world, would have free reign to take potshots at me.
While I hope the lawyer I met with signs.. it wouldn't surprise me if it didn't happen. I never get anything I want.
Instead of him focusing on how far I've come in.. six months, getting my insurance license.. after working so hard to achieve it, and working for a major company.. all this SOB is fixated on is ripping me to shreds. Cheryl herself was trying to tell him when I saw them on Sunday.. about how far I've come in a short time.
Part of my problem is Aflac's limitations on the types of clients I can sign. As I've posted.. I would already have had.. major places signed.. if not for their limitations.
He's fixated on me "Going to the gym". It's just a topic of conversation for him to rip me.
I now realize why I didn't take a job during the year between the time my mom died, and I joined Aflac. In addition to my depression at that time, I wanted to have a career, not only because of my advanced age.. but also to be free of him as quickly as possible. I knew that insurance could be a difficult business.. but also lucrative. I knew about the potential rejection from clients.. I didn't know about the limitations the company places on me.
In addition to the horror show with my father.. my friend Barney has turned his back on me after 20 years, for what reason I don't know. Not something I needed at this point.. with the problems I deal with regarding work.. and my father.
Then I also think: Should I really strive to have someone (A girlfriend or partner) at this point.. with all the major uncertainity with work.. and my ongoing problems with my father. It would be to my advantage to be free of him, before involving myself, but who knows how long that will take?
His anger and rage at my mom is positively laughable. Except for not putting her in the street, he won in every other way. He has a wife, world trips, everyone on his side, and did nothing to help me, until I did everything all his way, in spite of his insistence that "The only reason he paid alimony is because of me", even though alimony is a legal obligation. He rages about her after she suffered and died of cancer, at a young age.
My aunt went on about the details of her BS last night, going on about her difficulties with leaving her husband, while once again sloughing over my situation with my father as "An old story". She used to do this to my mom all the time. I don't appreciate her brushing off the situation I'm dealing with.
My resilience is beginning to fade. I didn't expect my father to ever change his tune. He's the same miserable human being he always was, even though I hoped he would behave better to me now that I was seeing his family. My biggest problem really, is Aflac's limitations about the types of clients I could sign. If I could have signed, big chains, months ago, I would have been free of him by now.
He also plays huge mind games, saying how "This is my life, and I have to lead it". Another parent saying that.. would keep his mouth shut about "The gym", and everything else, knowing how tense I am about wanting to get good clients. He just finds ways to rip me every chance he gets.
Even if I catch a break, and sign one or two good clients.. I don't have any grand plan to tell him to go fuck himself. At that point.. I just wouldn't have to concern myself about him as much.
I'm not going to hope or pray that this gets better. I don't pray anymore.. not after my mom was taken away from me, after all she and I suffered and sacrificed. I'm not going to say "I don't believe in God". What I believe is.,. "God has his own plan.. no matter what someone tries to do.. or how diligently they work on something"., God makes some people suffer terribly, while leaving others relatively unscathed. I don't see how my father has ever suffered for the evil deeds he did to my mom and me. He just goes on, fucking on the world, and especially me, as he sees fit. I don't know what my mom ever did to justify her suffering from cancer as she did. Yes, she smoked, but some smokers never get cancer. My maternal grandparents smoked, and never had cancer. Then, we had false hope that she was cancer free. only to have her get brain cancer. and die six weeks later anyway.
The final piece to the puzzle for my SOB father.. would be if something happened to me.
Let me be clear.. I'm not planning to do anything to myself. I don't feel suicidal, and in my mom's memory, I would never do that.,. It's just.. I feel if something did happen to me, that miserable son of a bitch wouldn't give a fuck.
We'll see if this gets any better. I have my doubts.
I had requested a sit down alone with him.. to hopefully discuss the time frame for when he thinks the situation with the lawyer could be happening, and if maybe he could push it. I couldn't discuss certain things in front of Cheryl the last time I saw them on Sunday. .
He has,.,. hours.. days.. makes adjustments for everyone else but me.
He insisted we meet today.. when I have to go to the office in Lower Manhattan for a meeting.
Instead of compromising and meeting me in a neutral location, he insisted I come all the way to his apartment on the Upper East Side, which requires about six subways round trip.
Such is precisely why my mom was always against me dealing with him. She felt he would always want to make me look like a horse's ass, and that he, and anyone in his world, would have free reign to take potshots at me.
While I hope the lawyer I met with signs.. it wouldn't surprise me if it didn't happen. I never get anything I want.
Instead of him focusing on how far I've come in.. six months, getting my insurance license.. after working so hard to achieve it, and working for a major company.. all this SOB is fixated on is ripping me to shreds. Cheryl herself was trying to tell him when I saw them on Sunday.. about how far I've come in a short time.
Part of my problem is Aflac's limitations on the types of clients I can sign. As I've posted.. I would already have had.. major places signed.. if not for their limitations.
He's fixated on me "Going to the gym". It's just a topic of conversation for him to rip me.
I now realize why I didn't take a job during the year between the time my mom died, and I joined Aflac. In addition to my depression at that time, I wanted to have a career, not only because of my advanced age.. but also to be free of him as quickly as possible. I knew that insurance could be a difficult business.. but also lucrative. I knew about the potential rejection from clients.. I didn't know about the limitations the company places on me.
In addition to the horror show with my father.. my friend Barney has turned his back on me after 20 years, for what reason I don't know. Not something I needed at this point.. with the problems I deal with regarding work.. and my father.
Then I also think: Should I really strive to have someone (A girlfriend or partner) at this point.. with all the major uncertainity with work.. and my ongoing problems with my father. It would be to my advantage to be free of him, before involving myself, but who knows how long that will take?
His anger and rage at my mom is positively laughable. Except for not putting her in the street, he won in every other way. He has a wife, world trips, everyone on his side, and did nothing to help me, until I did everything all his way, in spite of his insistence that "The only reason he paid alimony is because of me", even though alimony is a legal obligation. He rages about her after she suffered and died of cancer, at a young age.
My aunt went on about the details of her BS last night, going on about her difficulties with leaving her husband, while once again sloughing over my situation with my father as "An old story". She used to do this to my mom all the time. I don't appreciate her brushing off the situation I'm dealing with.
My resilience is beginning to fade. I didn't expect my father to ever change his tune. He's the same miserable human being he always was, even though I hoped he would behave better to me now that I was seeing his family. My biggest problem really, is Aflac's limitations about the types of clients I could sign. If I could have signed, big chains, months ago, I would have been free of him by now.
He also plays huge mind games, saying how "This is my life, and I have to lead it". Another parent saying that.. would keep his mouth shut about "The gym", and everything else, knowing how tense I am about wanting to get good clients. He just finds ways to rip me every chance he gets.
Even if I catch a break, and sign one or two good clients.. I don't have any grand plan to tell him to go fuck himself. At that point.. I just wouldn't have to concern myself about him as much.
I'm not going to hope or pray that this gets better. I don't pray anymore.. not after my mom was taken away from me, after all she and I suffered and sacrificed. I'm not going to say "I don't believe in God". What I believe is.,. "God has his own plan.. no matter what someone tries to do.. or how diligently they work on something"., God makes some people suffer terribly, while leaving others relatively unscathed. I don't see how my father has ever suffered for the evil deeds he did to my mom and me. He just goes on, fucking on the world, and especially me, as he sees fit. I don't know what my mom ever did to justify her suffering from cancer as she did. Yes, she smoked, but some smokers never get cancer. My maternal grandparents smoked, and never had cancer. Then, we had false hope that she was cancer free. only to have her get brain cancer. and die six weeks later anyway.
The final piece to the puzzle for my SOB father.. would be if something happened to me.
Let me be clear.. I'm not planning to do anything to myself. I don't feel suicidal, and in my mom's memory, I would never do that.,. It's just.. I feel if something did happen to me, that miserable son of a bitch wouldn't give a fuck.
We'll see if this gets any better. I have my doubts.
