When I rejoined the TMF in July of 2014 I knew I had to come and do things in certain ways that gave me a clear view as to what I could expect. If I was to be an outspoken, contributing member... I wanted to give all of myself. And I certainly did.
One of those things to do was to always keep up with my mail. Now the side effect of this was yes: I will respond. But I never have been able to let go and let people truly get to me know me better. Too much mail... too much everything coming at me every day. All at once. And with due respect to my relationship. With all of its turmoil- and ups and downs. We're still trying to stay together. Its not easy with constant, financial stress.
With the chat room drama that was forced into my lap this week... well it taught me a big lesson. See I am still too trustworthy.
Sonnythemadler said that recently and its absolutely correct. Until my trust gets broken though... I'm a bestie! lol 🙂 But once that happens -Then it takes me a long time to readjust. I knew no matter what I did I would have haters. But... when I try to be as nice and kind (usually) as I possibly can be... yes it breaks my heart. I WISH I could take my heart off of my sleeve and put in my pocket. But I would rather be this way then a cold bitch. I have it in me to be though... not only because of my history being bullied but because I spent a lot of years on Horror Forums. Gore. Trying to harden myself because I was bullied for so many years. And it worked. I could laugh at ANYTHING morbid. And I can verbally rip someone apart if I really want to. We made a game out of that using each other to practice. To harden ourselves so no one could hurt us again. It was never presented like that but thats exactly what we doing. I can read into weakness quite well because of my own too. But that part of me only comes out if and only when necessary. And none of you have seen it. And I never want you to. Losing my GF to Cancer and then falling in love again took most of that out of me thankfully. And my Bf who being a Locksmith and having to unlock cemetery doors and open doors for parents of suicide victims. Yeah that era of my life is gone. I love being happy. And life is too short to fill it with ugly things or to make people sad. Or to laugh because its a nicer response than to cry. Or to get angry because you feel justified.
In 2003 I joined in the Criminal Justice program at a college in the South. But even though I was making straight A's... I blew it. I developed social anxiety to such an extent that I couldn't even go to the mail box for an entire year. I didnt think I fit in - those days of bullying caught up with me. Those days of social anxiety are mostly gone. The student loans though sure are still here. lol! But that true sense of justice has never left me. That. need to protect people and animals from the baddies. I think I've always thought of myself as sort of a protector. At least I wanted to be when I grew up. But to stomach what comes with those types of jobs... I can't do it. We have friends that are P.O's, Sheriffs, and online "fronts" to catch predators. The sense of humor that these people need to endure these kind of jobs is... kinda grotesque. But they are my heroes. Just like Myriads, TMFJeff etc are too.
I will tell you all that I was raped by my best friend of nearly 20 years. And then he later confessed to molesting his own daughter. He is in jail for at least 10 more years. He was sentenced to 30. And so that took me a couple years to get over. I lost my trust completely. sometimes I have nightmares he will find me. And sometimes I have dreams where I KICK HIS ASS. So its an understatement to say I have a vested interest in catching bad people. Now more than ever.
But... its a line I still have to find. I want my time here to be fun. Not always on the lookout. Thats what I am here for. 🙂 FUN! 🙂
So NOW- I can get an even better perspective on who I actually wants and will let tickle me in the future. Or to tickle. Or to form friendships with. I have been wondering for some time how I was going to handle going to Gatherings if so many wanted to tickle me and vice versa. But now that I know more of who the people are that have my back. Who wouldn't let anything bad happen to me... I can start relaxing but with a new sort of guard up. My naivety is gone now. The new car smell is gone. But thats ok. I'll be safer and those of you that I will come to know better will have that in return. And the site overall.
Its true we don't make many friends in life. But... its been harder for me to let people in. And that sadly holds true for here as well. I try STILL always to think the best of people and their intentions are well meaning. Its a good thing I didn't become a Police Officer though I would have been too soft or too hard. Or daydreaming to get away from the realities.
I thought my fetish held some magical wand where everyone will be happy and fairly secure. I was WRONG. But I think thats part of not only growing up, --but growing into becoming part of this community. So thank you to those who wrote this week. I'll be in the Chat later tonight and see how that goes. But I'm optimistic that everything will be fine as long as I start figuring out how to give myself better parameters. I think probably sticking to just a Saturday night visit will be a good start. I've actually gone through withdrawals symptoms!! Thats how much time I've been spending there. Thats not exactly healthy. But the chat is not bad in of itself. Neither are most people. I over shot my thinking because I was sad, angry, and mortified. But now I can focus on who is actually on my friends list. I've halfway sorted it btw.
I've also closed off most of my profile. I feel the need to insulate myself now. So that I CAN start relaxing to talk. And chill. See... this I realized this was part of why I was so angry when sueme dropped her bomb. I haven't been able to truly relax since I came back. And that sense of underlying frustration just shot out and got written up like I was a literary professor with mad cow disease. I just hate bullying... and I always will. And yes I cry still.
But see out of bad comes the good. And this is very good. 🙂 Thanks for reading.
<3
Doll
One of those things to do was to always keep up with my mail. Now the side effect of this was yes: I will respond. But I never have been able to let go and let people truly get to me know me better. Too much mail... too much everything coming at me every day. All at once. And with due respect to my relationship. With all of its turmoil- and ups and downs. We're still trying to stay together. Its not easy with constant, financial stress.
With the chat room drama that was forced into my lap this week... well it taught me a big lesson. See I am still too trustworthy.
Sonnythemadler said that recently and its absolutely correct. Until my trust gets broken though... I'm a bestie! lol 🙂 But once that happens -Then it takes me a long time to readjust. I knew no matter what I did I would have haters. But... when I try to be as nice and kind (usually) as I possibly can be... yes it breaks my heart. I WISH I could take my heart off of my sleeve and put in my pocket. But I would rather be this way then a cold bitch. I have it in me to be though... not only because of my history being bullied but because I spent a lot of years on Horror Forums. Gore. Trying to harden myself because I was bullied for so many years. And it worked. I could laugh at ANYTHING morbid. And I can verbally rip someone apart if I really want to. We made a game out of that using each other to practice. To harden ourselves so no one could hurt us again. It was never presented like that but thats exactly what we doing. I can read into weakness quite well because of my own too. But that part of me only comes out if and only when necessary. And none of you have seen it. And I never want you to. Losing my GF to Cancer and then falling in love again took most of that out of me thankfully. And my Bf who being a Locksmith and having to unlock cemetery doors and open doors for parents of suicide victims. Yeah that era of my life is gone. I love being happy. And life is too short to fill it with ugly things or to make people sad. Or to laugh because its a nicer response than to cry. Or to get angry because you feel justified.
In 2003 I joined in the Criminal Justice program at a college in the South. But even though I was making straight A's... I blew it. I developed social anxiety to such an extent that I couldn't even go to the mail box for an entire year. I didnt think I fit in - those days of bullying caught up with me. Those days of social anxiety are mostly gone. The student loans though sure are still here. lol! But that true sense of justice has never left me. That. need to protect people and animals from the baddies. I think I've always thought of myself as sort of a protector. At least I wanted to be when I grew up. But to stomach what comes with those types of jobs... I can't do it. We have friends that are P.O's, Sheriffs, and online "fronts" to catch predators. The sense of humor that these people need to endure these kind of jobs is... kinda grotesque. But they are my heroes. Just like Myriads, TMFJeff etc are too.
I will tell you all that I was raped by my best friend of nearly 20 years. And then he later confessed to molesting his own daughter. He is in jail for at least 10 more years. He was sentenced to 30. And so that took me a couple years to get over. I lost my trust completely. sometimes I have nightmares he will find me. And sometimes I have dreams where I KICK HIS ASS. So its an understatement to say I have a vested interest in catching bad people. Now more than ever.
But... its a line I still have to find. I want my time here to be fun. Not always on the lookout. Thats what I am here for. 🙂 FUN! 🙂
So NOW- I can get an even better perspective on who I actually wants and will let tickle me in the future. Or to tickle. Or to form friendships with. I have been wondering for some time how I was going to handle going to Gatherings if so many wanted to tickle me and vice versa. But now that I know more of who the people are that have my back. Who wouldn't let anything bad happen to me... I can start relaxing but with a new sort of guard up. My naivety is gone now. The new car smell is gone. But thats ok. I'll be safer and those of you that I will come to know better will have that in return. And the site overall.
Its true we don't make many friends in life. But... its been harder for me to let people in. And that sadly holds true for here as well. I try STILL always to think the best of people and their intentions are well meaning. Its a good thing I didn't become a Police Officer though I would have been too soft or too hard. Or daydreaming to get away from the realities.
I thought my fetish held some magical wand where everyone will be happy and fairly secure. I was WRONG. But I think thats part of not only growing up, --but growing into becoming part of this community. So thank you to those who wrote this week. I'll be in the Chat later tonight and see how that goes. But I'm optimistic that everything will be fine as long as I start figuring out how to give myself better parameters. I think probably sticking to just a Saturday night visit will be a good start. I've actually gone through withdrawals symptoms!! Thats how much time I've been spending there. Thats not exactly healthy. But the chat is not bad in of itself. Neither are most people. I over shot my thinking because I was sad, angry, and mortified. But now I can focus on who is actually on my friends list. I've halfway sorted it btw.
I've also closed off most of my profile. I feel the need to insulate myself now. So that I CAN start relaxing to talk. And chill. See... this I realized this was part of why I was so angry when sueme dropped her bomb. I haven't been able to truly relax since I came back. And that sense of underlying frustration just shot out and got written up like I was a literary professor with mad cow disease. I just hate bullying... and I always will. And yes I cry still.
But see out of bad comes the good. And this is very good. 🙂 Thanks for reading.
<3
Doll
