Today, I heard the best description of myself since my mom died. I wasnt able to put my finger on it for the past seven weeks.. but.. my driver of all people, who I've not liked in the past, but whom things are hopefully better with now.. put it into the best words when he told me today that.. "Mitch, you're a shadow of yourself".
I'm still the tall, somewhat pot bellied guy. I still watch Jim Gardner every night. I still belong to the TMF. I still love it when I see a pretty girl's bare feet. I'm the guy once known, and sometimes still known, as Ladderlad.. but..
I think he's right.
My relatives keep pumping up of how great things will be when I get back to NY. My problem is Lancaster, being in this apartment without my mom, the bad memories.
They can talk all they want. I dont delude myself.
The fact is.. I'm going back to NY out of sheer necessity., I have contacts there that can help me socially, and with work. I left there in May 1999, , fed up with Fort Lee, NJ, the town I was living in, my father, and all about it. I vowed never to return. The fact is, I will return, thirteen years, and one month later,. with my mom having passed away in the most cruel of ways, without my best friend of almost 30 years, and with so much having happened to me, that I just cant have the belief, that the move back to NY is going to make things great.
When I moved to Lancaster, at age 29, I still had my prime years ahead of me, both professionally, and socially. I know that people can still make good careers in their 40s. My father had his best earning days in his 40s. Even with women.. I'm certainly not at the age where someone will discount me and say I'm over the hill, but.. I cant help but think that someone might muse "He's.. older. He has high BP. How long will he live to see his kids". My 30s were a time of many hopes, broken dreams, and from ages 40 to 42, until the morning that my mom was taken from me, I suffered the cruelest broken dream.
I know that I have to make effort professionally and socially, and give it time. The fact remains, I';m not as gung ho on moving back to NY as my relatives are about my move.
The last time I ventured into such an unknown.. 1992. I had taken a year off from college for finanical reasons. I went back, and all my classmates had graduated. I knew no one. My grandmother's order to get out of my room on the third day of school, led me to a coffee house, where I saw my now friend of 20 years, Barney, singing. We talked, and found we lived across the hall from each other in the dorm. One thing led to another, and I had the best year of my life socially and academically.
I dont delude myself to believe it will be as easy this time.
I dont know what will snap me out of it. The move will help, as will hard work.. but also.. I need to finally catch a few breaks, that I just hadnt been getting the last several years, up until now. If that happens, slowly, I think I can rebuild.
Mitch
I'm still the tall, somewhat pot bellied guy. I still watch Jim Gardner every night. I still belong to the TMF. I still love it when I see a pretty girl's bare feet. I'm the guy once known, and sometimes still known, as Ladderlad.. but..
I think he's right.
My relatives keep pumping up of how great things will be when I get back to NY. My problem is Lancaster, being in this apartment without my mom, the bad memories.
They can talk all they want. I dont delude myself.
The fact is.. I'm going back to NY out of sheer necessity., I have contacts there that can help me socially, and with work. I left there in May 1999, , fed up with Fort Lee, NJ, the town I was living in, my father, and all about it. I vowed never to return. The fact is, I will return, thirteen years, and one month later,. with my mom having passed away in the most cruel of ways, without my best friend of almost 30 years, and with so much having happened to me, that I just cant have the belief, that the move back to NY is going to make things great.
When I moved to Lancaster, at age 29, I still had my prime years ahead of me, both professionally, and socially. I know that people can still make good careers in their 40s. My father had his best earning days in his 40s. Even with women.. I'm certainly not at the age where someone will discount me and say I'm over the hill, but.. I cant help but think that someone might muse "He's.. older. He has high BP. How long will he live to see his kids". My 30s were a time of many hopes, broken dreams, and from ages 40 to 42, until the morning that my mom was taken from me, I suffered the cruelest broken dream.
I know that I have to make effort professionally and socially, and give it time. The fact remains, I';m not as gung ho on moving back to NY as my relatives are about my move.
The last time I ventured into such an unknown.. 1992. I had taken a year off from college for finanical reasons. I went back, and all my classmates had graduated. I knew no one. My grandmother's order to get out of my room on the third day of school, led me to a coffee house, where I saw my now friend of 20 years, Barney, singing. We talked, and found we lived across the hall from each other in the dorm. One thing led to another, and I had the best year of my life socially and academically.
I dont delude myself to believe it will be as easy this time.
I dont know what will snap me out of it. The move will help, as will hard work.. but also.. I need to finally catch a few breaks, that I just hadnt been getting the last several years, up until now. If that happens, slowly, I think I can rebuild.
Mitch
