I want to begin by saying that my intention here is to attempt at making things right... with what happened in the chat room last night. I don't want to ramble on into excuse land though. When you (I) do wrong by someone… there are no excuses in the world that can fix it. Only a heartfelt apology MIGHT. I DO have to include something most none of you are aware of, and should be made of aware of. But mostly- this is an apology. (Apologies....)
First I want to say I apologize for rping in main. I KNOW better. To me it was light rp in my eyes that I really didn’t think would bother anyone. Especially considering I see others doing it from time to time. I thought it was rp “light”. But that makes no sense. I know the rules. I’m very sorry. It will never happen again. Rp is rp no matter how light or heavy. Again, I know better. I’m disappointed I let myself go there. I’m sorry. That was wrong.
I apologize for anyone for witnessed my obnoxious outburst. I completely disrupted the room. If I had walked away for 20 mins… I probably could have come back with a better and GOOD way to handle how I THOUGHT I had been wronged. But… l made an ass out of myself instead. I’m sorry. I cannot 100% percent assure anyone I can always contain my emotions or temper. All I can say is I will continue from here striving not to. Usually I can because I enjoy my time here. But… I AM in counseling. Not just couples but solo counseling. And will be learning coping skills when issues arise.
Here is what I need for you to be made aware of. I was just diagnosed 3 weeks ago with Bipolar 2. I was devastated. And am only 3 weeks now into my medication plan. While it is no excuse with the events of last night. I think it bears SOME merit here and light on my outburst. I'm thankful the medication IS working… but not only is it still building up in my system… I have yet to be even part of the way. I’m not asking for that to be my out on this. But… it’s unfair to those who are my friends here (or future friends) not to know. I can’t hide it anymore. I thought I had PMDD or PTSD. Or even Alzheimer's. I was coming closer and closer to suicide last year because of my mental state. But no… its Bipolar 2. Again though… the medication IS working… but I’m still going through the process. Of which could take months. I don’t know. I have no further answers to give you at this time. This certainly wasn’t the way I wanted to bring this up. Quite frankly I’m still embarrassed by it. And like I told you in the beginning I don’t want to fill this post with excuses. But… this IS a very real condition for me. So now you know.
Unfortunately because I have been feeling light years better… It gave me a false self confidence. I thought I could maybe rp again. At least from time to time. And the last couple weeks I’ve been testing my “I’m feeling better now” theory. So… I did once. Then twice… And then this weekend. But I failed miserably last night. My behavior towards the sub after the fact was inexcusable. To the point I hurt the lee I was in control of very badly. Calling the sub out in main… screaming about how the person displeased me. Had hurt me. All I could see were MY emotions… in how I felt wronged. Meanwhile the reality is as a new person trying out rp BDSM… she’s very distraught today. There are no second chances once the damage is done to fix the wrong.
I will carry this guilt for some time. And unfortunately- she told me she will carry the pain of how I reacted towards her for some time. If not forever. I don’t know. To say how bad I feel is an understatement. But how I feel doesnt matter. How she feels DOES.
I am not ready to have that control. I haven’t earned it. And I am not ready… nor have the knowledge to respond accordingly with the various issues that can arise. And I certainly am not ready considering my state of mind.
I figured I was good at rp in the past… so my perceived confidence- and want to move forward with my life- just… what an idiot I was. Everything has changed. My reality has changed. And I never want to place my issues in another person's lap ever again. Here at home I have isolated to the point that… well anyway. Online has been my only outlet. And so far I’ve done a decent job of separating the two. But my real life bled into my online life last night. In a way I am very much not proud of. And my idea of what it takes to be a Pro Domme have progressed without me since I played years ago. I am practically green now in retrospect. (New.) So- I’ve taken rp off the table for the last year… and I must again. More for all of your mental headspace and personal safety… than mine. Mine is valid too but… I can’t let what happened last night happen again. Matter of fact… I’m not sure at this point if I ever should. I want real life interactions. And real life instructions. But all of that is to be sorted throughout the next # of years. Back to what really matters here today.
I apologize to the person whom was the brunt of my behavior. I broke that trust. And for that I am deeply sorry. I’m sorry for being an asshole. I’m sorry for not being able to take control over my emotions. I’m sorry to her whom’s night was ruined by my drama. People having to comfort her when ultimately that should have my job. Aftercare. No one should blame this person. The fault lies solely on me And if I lost your respect last night… today after speaking with the person whom was the target of my behavior…. now I know why. I don’t expect it back. Actions have consequences. To those who expressed how angry you were with me/ loss of respect/ etc. You were right. I was wrong. I’m sorry. If you don’t speak with me again… I’ll understand why. And will accept it.
Where I go from here… I have some ideas. Others- completely in the dark.
I asked her if she wanted me to leave so that she could feel safer for her feelings and her headspace. She said no. I still feel it’s time to take a break from here. But… that doesn’t really fix anything. All I know is… I am ashamed of my behavior… and will be readjusting how I spend my time here. And all of my interactions. But that is going to take time as I learn to live with my Disorder.
Again to the person I hurt… I am deeply sorry. That will never happen again. To you or anyone.
With deep regret,
Doll
First I want to say I apologize for rping in main. I KNOW better. To me it was light rp in my eyes that I really didn’t think would bother anyone. Especially considering I see others doing it from time to time. I thought it was rp “light”. But that makes no sense. I know the rules. I’m very sorry. It will never happen again. Rp is rp no matter how light or heavy. Again, I know better. I’m disappointed I let myself go there. I’m sorry. That was wrong.
I apologize for anyone for witnessed my obnoxious outburst. I completely disrupted the room. If I had walked away for 20 mins… I probably could have come back with a better and GOOD way to handle how I THOUGHT I had been wronged. But… l made an ass out of myself instead. I’m sorry. I cannot 100% percent assure anyone I can always contain my emotions or temper. All I can say is I will continue from here striving not to. Usually I can because I enjoy my time here. But… I AM in counseling. Not just couples but solo counseling. And will be learning coping skills when issues arise.
Here is what I need for you to be made aware of. I was just diagnosed 3 weeks ago with Bipolar 2. I was devastated. And am only 3 weeks now into my medication plan. While it is no excuse with the events of last night. I think it bears SOME merit here and light on my outburst. I'm thankful the medication IS working… but not only is it still building up in my system… I have yet to be even part of the way. I’m not asking for that to be my out on this. But… it’s unfair to those who are my friends here (or future friends) not to know. I can’t hide it anymore. I thought I had PMDD or PTSD. Or even Alzheimer's. I was coming closer and closer to suicide last year because of my mental state. But no… its Bipolar 2. Again though… the medication IS working… but I’m still going through the process. Of which could take months. I don’t know. I have no further answers to give you at this time. This certainly wasn’t the way I wanted to bring this up. Quite frankly I’m still embarrassed by it. And like I told you in the beginning I don’t want to fill this post with excuses. But… this IS a very real condition for me. So now you know.
Unfortunately because I have been feeling light years better… It gave me a false self confidence. I thought I could maybe rp again. At least from time to time. And the last couple weeks I’ve been testing my “I’m feeling better now” theory. So… I did once. Then twice… And then this weekend. But I failed miserably last night. My behavior towards the sub after the fact was inexcusable. To the point I hurt the lee I was in control of very badly. Calling the sub out in main… screaming about how the person displeased me. Had hurt me. All I could see were MY emotions… in how I felt wronged. Meanwhile the reality is as a new person trying out rp BDSM… she’s very distraught today. There are no second chances once the damage is done to fix the wrong.
I will carry this guilt for some time. And unfortunately- she told me she will carry the pain of how I reacted towards her for some time. If not forever. I don’t know. To say how bad I feel is an understatement. But how I feel doesnt matter. How she feels DOES.
I am not ready to have that control. I haven’t earned it. And I am not ready… nor have the knowledge to respond accordingly with the various issues that can arise. And I certainly am not ready considering my state of mind.
I figured I was good at rp in the past… so my perceived confidence- and want to move forward with my life- just… what an idiot I was. Everything has changed. My reality has changed. And I never want to place my issues in another person's lap ever again. Here at home I have isolated to the point that… well anyway. Online has been my only outlet. And so far I’ve done a decent job of separating the two. But my real life bled into my online life last night. In a way I am very much not proud of. And my idea of what it takes to be a Pro Domme have progressed without me since I played years ago. I am practically green now in retrospect. (New.) So- I’ve taken rp off the table for the last year… and I must again. More for all of your mental headspace and personal safety… than mine. Mine is valid too but… I can’t let what happened last night happen again. Matter of fact… I’m not sure at this point if I ever should. I want real life interactions. And real life instructions. But all of that is to be sorted throughout the next # of years. Back to what really matters here today.
I apologize to the person whom was the brunt of my behavior. I broke that trust. And for that I am deeply sorry. I’m sorry for being an asshole. I’m sorry for not being able to take control over my emotions. I’m sorry to her whom’s night was ruined by my drama. People having to comfort her when ultimately that should have my job. Aftercare. No one should blame this person. The fault lies solely on me And if I lost your respect last night… today after speaking with the person whom was the target of my behavior…. now I know why. I don’t expect it back. Actions have consequences. To those who expressed how angry you were with me/ loss of respect/ etc. You were right. I was wrong. I’m sorry. If you don’t speak with me again… I’ll understand why. And will accept it.
Where I go from here… I have some ideas. Others- completely in the dark.
I asked her if she wanted me to leave so that she could feel safer for her feelings and her headspace. She said no. I still feel it’s time to take a break from here. But… that doesn’t really fix anything. All I know is… I am ashamed of my behavior… and will be readjusting how I spend my time here. And all of my interactions. But that is going to take time as I learn to live with my Disorder.
Again to the person I hurt… I am deeply sorry. That will never happen again. To you or anyone.
With deep regret,
Doll
