I've been hanging out in the Chat Room again as of late. And, for those 40 or so people who might read this... if you truly want to be a friend to me... you need to start understanding my life and boundaries a bit better.
My relationship is not doing well. A lot of you know this. So, last Friday we decided to go to Couples Counseling. Though it seems we may be in individual counseling as well.
Throughout my life I have lost everyone I have loved. The people I shared my life with. The people I confided in. One of the biggest losses was my Girlfriend of 12 years. And I cannot say I have dealt with any of these losses well. Grieved enough. Idk. And now... here again are the holidays. With yet another death in my family just a few months ago. There are so many questions left unanswered now... and even more questions put into my lap. I am overwhelmed by it. I tried to tell myself I'm going to enjoy this years round of holidays... but when they get closer and closer.... I start pulling back... sinking into a deep depression. Here it is. Same ole holiday induced depression. Am I cliche or what?
Do you know what its like to go my Bf's family's holiday dinners... when I can never ever go to mine again? I have to worry I'm going to cry. Or sit in the corner by myself. Making everyone around me worry and basically uncomfortable. "If you don't go... they're going to think you don't like them". Great. "Can't you just tell them what I am going through?" "It doesn't matter... they won't understand not spending the holidays alone. They are sensitive. " Great. And yet... I don't know what to say. What am I supposed to talk about? My erotic tickling stories?!? LOL!!! I WISH....
I am essentially a Housewife. I don't have children so my chores are pretty minimal. But... talking about how much laundry I did isn't exactly my idea of a good time or conversation. I feel useless. I don't feel I have a lot of self worth. And where I still have self worth... I can't talk about. Matter of fact NO ONE talks about what I might enjoy talking about. I am told: "I'm sorry, just gotta do it. Just gotta go along with the program." So... every holiday I feel like my life is slipping away from me. Not just every holiday either.
I am living in near isolation. I rarely go out. (Money is sparse.) I don't talk to my friends anymore. Unless they reach out to me first. I feel like I am a bother. And people have their own issues anyway. I want to be happy and talking about... well at this point all I have to talk about is the past. My past was unlike most people's past. I worked with celebrities, took trips to Europe, went to Rock conventions, Horror Conventions. I've been on the cover of at least one book and featured in 2. And yet... none of this is ok to talk about. Even my Gf isn't cool to talk about. None of them have even asked the base questions of where I grew up. What my family was like. Some of those things eventually came out but... for all the wrong reasons. Not from a place of... introduction. Sadness was the cause.
I avoid my Bf's family. He wants me to just call them out of the blue, for any reason. And yet. I haven't called once in 8 1/2 years. I have near NOTHING in common with them except for my years in Caregiving to the Elderly. Idk what else to talk about.
When I go to say the grocery store I am rushing to get out of there as soon as possible. Trying to walk so fast people end up crashing in to me. I cry a lot. I sleepwalk and sleep eat. Resulting in food hangovers. (Yep that is a true and actual thing.) I lose my temper over little things. Because of my Bf's job... I end up eating alone, being alone most every day.... and going to bed alone. Sex is something I can barely remember having at this point. And Tickling has become the elephant in the room. He wants me to engage in other things to satiate HIS needs. Meanwhile... I don't want to at ALL. He's hurt, angry, sad... and we are clashing over every single thing. Growing further and further apart. And yet, he still loves me and desperately wants to make this work. Me, I do love him, but I question why he loves me at this point. I cannot say I am ideally suited for him. Tickling fetish alone. But, I still love him and want to do Counseling with him.
None of this is healthy obviously. And I should bring up that this is why I got into Bimbofication in the first place. My Bf thought it would help me to stop over thinking everything. (I over think every little thing until I'm practically blue in the face. And am far too sensitive for my own good. It's good to care and get sad when bad things happen... but I over care and sometimes cry all night over things I see that happen.)( So, it's a double edged sword.)
He knows I enjoy dressing sexy. And so that seemed to be an obvious solution. Sadly, it really didn't help me all that much. Though I did learn how to talk better with people online. Which is really frustrating because I still can't reach out to my friends, even with this knowledge. It did in a way making it possible for me to create my blogs. But, I started to realize I was doing things to satiate other people's needs. Not my own. That's when I opened my other tumblr for tickling. And really started thinking about what I wanted to do with my time. As you can see, I ran wild with it and had a lot of fun making these things. I still do. But, again... anything tickling related is pretty much the elephant in the room. I'm not "making things my Bf would enjoy." Which makes me feel like shit. Talk about feeling useless... I can't even please my Bf anymore.
The woman that use to be the life of the party... only exists every once in a blue moon. I do smoke cannibas oil to help relax me. But even that isn't working very well anymore. it still does sometimes.
When I am in the Main Chat... MAIN... NOT PRIVATE CHAT.... I feel the most comfortable. Not any other place in my life do I really feel as comfortable as I do in that one place. This tiny little chat room makes me feel relaxed. It's my bar. My support group. If I say something... I know only those interested will speak up. It takes the pressure off of me to know that only those truly interested in what I am saying will speak up. When someone asks me to go to private chat.... usually those people have no idea who I am... and are really starting at the beginning of getting to know me. Meanwhile, by staying in Main... I am getting to know people with the tid bits I get from their lives. That is enough for me. It's all I can handle. And in turn, I get to add tidbits from my life. As much as I am an open book... I'm not. I speak up when I can. This takes the pressure off of me. I have intense social anxiety. Some people think that I want to talk about their tickling fantasies in private. Well... I did. But now... I don't. If I speak to you in Main... that's all I can handle. I feel like some of you keep pulling me away from the table I want to be at... to talk about things that I really don't want to be talking about. (Not to least mention the Catfish and CREEPS I want to avoid.) Please stop pulling me away from my table. I never pm anyone anyway.(When I have its quite rare.) I'm comfortable in Main Chat. Please don't take what I am saying as a slight. Sometimes I think some of you might feel that I don't like you. Or I'm avoiding you by saying no to go into private chat. Or not writing you at all. That's not it. Main Chat is just where I feel comfortable. You don't see the heavy luggage I have.... you know why? I'm there to relax. Now sometimes I'm upset and will talk about what's going on. But just like the guy that goes to the Strip Club to get away from his problems for a little while.... that's essentially what I'm doing. Please respect that. I also know that every single one of you has your OWN NEEDS. Well, I'm sorry I can't take on your needs when I have so many of mine. That's unfair to you, and its unfair to me. I do enjoy giving advice. And if you genuinely want advice I will go in pc with you. But don't pull me in there for RP. Make it a genuine reason. I do enough writing as it is with my stories and audios. I want to be a good friend to all of you, as much as I can. But, I need that in return. I expect to meet some of you at future gatherings. And I look so forward to that you can't even know. (Probably as much as some you do.) But that's the future... this is NOW.
I really have not wanted to talk about any of this. But... here and there its been coming out. My nerves are frayed. BEEN frayed for some time. And I really want to make sure that none of my issues inadvertently become a problem. Since a lot of you are shy, or paranoid, or whatever... I'm also writing this to help alleviate your mindset on me. There's been a few people I've talked about my issues with. But... when you isolate like I do... I just end up feeling guilty that I ever talked about them at all. It's just the way it is. I think some of you might be angry with me that I haven't sought you out for conversation. Well... can this writing help you understand why I haven't done that? I hope so. When anger, or insults come my way like they did yesterday... I feel responsible for that. I know I shouldn't. But I do. I actually took the picture that was commented on down. Seeing it full screen... no... it wasn't a good picture of me. Am I supposed to apologize for how I look? I don't actually think I'm hot. Sometimes I do. But, I'm depressed! I don't have a healthy view of myself anymore. This place helped me in a lot of ways feel good about myself. If you think I'm unattractive... there's an entire world of gorgeous women out there. Go find them. And leave me alone. That's about as polite as I can be about it.
Hurt feelings can be avoided so easily if you would just speak up if I have offended you in some way. I am the easiest person to talk to about any issue you may have with me. I will resolve it to the best of my ability.
At the end of the day I am one person on a forum of over 100,000. Just like you. Enjoying my time here. A lot of you are here to meet someone. And I wish you luck. But don't put your goals on me. I have my own. And if you bother to ask at all what my goals are (in main chat, not private. Even mail. ) I'll go through this lengthy, LENGTHY list. LOL! 🙂
I really hope that counseling will help me. Because I am at the end of my rope. I think some of you actually care about me. Whether that's for the content I make... or some combination of that and me as a whole. Whatever the reason, I need you to understand what I am doing. And that is trying to finally fix my heart that's long been broken. It's all I can do if I want to someday reclaim the person I was, moreso the person I want to be. I hope you understand. If you need more clarity, feel free to ask a question below. Everyone has luggage they carry. This is mine, I hope one day I can finally put it all down. I'm tired.
Warmly,
Doll
My relationship is not doing well. A lot of you know this. So, last Friday we decided to go to Couples Counseling. Though it seems we may be in individual counseling as well.
Throughout my life I have lost everyone I have loved. The people I shared my life with. The people I confided in. One of the biggest losses was my Girlfriend of 12 years. And I cannot say I have dealt with any of these losses well. Grieved enough. Idk. And now... here again are the holidays. With yet another death in my family just a few months ago. There are so many questions left unanswered now... and even more questions put into my lap. I am overwhelmed by it. I tried to tell myself I'm going to enjoy this years round of holidays... but when they get closer and closer.... I start pulling back... sinking into a deep depression. Here it is. Same ole holiday induced depression. Am I cliche or what?
Do you know what its like to go my Bf's family's holiday dinners... when I can never ever go to mine again? I have to worry I'm going to cry. Or sit in the corner by myself. Making everyone around me worry and basically uncomfortable. "If you don't go... they're going to think you don't like them". Great. "Can't you just tell them what I am going through?" "It doesn't matter... they won't understand not spending the holidays alone. They are sensitive. " Great. And yet... I don't know what to say. What am I supposed to talk about? My erotic tickling stories?!? LOL!!! I WISH....
I am essentially a Housewife. I don't have children so my chores are pretty minimal. But... talking about how much laundry I did isn't exactly my idea of a good time or conversation. I feel useless. I don't feel I have a lot of self worth. And where I still have self worth... I can't talk about. Matter of fact NO ONE talks about what I might enjoy talking about. I am told: "I'm sorry, just gotta do it. Just gotta go along with the program." So... every holiday I feel like my life is slipping away from me. Not just every holiday either.
I am living in near isolation. I rarely go out. (Money is sparse.) I don't talk to my friends anymore. Unless they reach out to me first. I feel like I am a bother. And people have their own issues anyway. I want to be happy and talking about... well at this point all I have to talk about is the past. My past was unlike most people's past. I worked with celebrities, took trips to Europe, went to Rock conventions, Horror Conventions. I've been on the cover of at least one book and featured in 2. And yet... none of this is ok to talk about. Even my Gf isn't cool to talk about. None of them have even asked the base questions of where I grew up. What my family was like. Some of those things eventually came out but... for all the wrong reasons. Not from a place of... introduction. Sadness was the cause.
I avoid my Bf's family. He wants me to just call them out of the blue, for any reason. And yet. I haven't called once in 8 1/2 years. I have near NOTHING in common with them except for my years in Caregiving to the Elderly. Idk what else to talk about.
When I go to say the grocery store I am rushing to get out of there as soon as possible. Trying to walk so fast people end up crashing in to me. I cry a lot. I sleepwalk and sleep eat. Resulting in food hangovers. (Yep that is a true and actual thing.) I lose my temper over little things. Because of my Bf's job... I end up eating alone, being alone most every day.... and going to bed alone. Sex is something I can barely remember having at this point. And Tickling has become the elephant in the room. He wants me to engage in other things to satiate HIS needs. Meanwhile... I don't want to at ALL. He's hurt, angry, sad... and we are clashing over every single thing. Growing further and further apart. And yet, he still loves me and desperately wants to make this work. Me, I do love him, but I question why he loves me at this point. I cannot say I am ideally suited for him. Tickling fetish alone. But, I still love him and want to do Counseling with him.
None of this is healthy obviously. And I should bring up that this is why I got into Bimbofication in the first place. My Bf thought it would help me to stop over thinking everything. (I over think every little thing until I'm practically blue in the face. And am far too sensitive for my own good. It's good to care and get sad when bad things happen... but I over care and sometimes cry all night over things I see that happen.)( So, it's a double edged sword.)
He knows I enjoy dressing sexy. And so that seemed to be an obvious solution. Sadly, it really didn't help me all that much. Though I did learn how to talk better with people online. Which is really frustrating because I still can't reach out to my friends, even with this knowledge. It did in a way making it possible for me to create my blogs. But, I started to realize I was doing things to satiate other people's needs. Not my own. That's when I opened my other tumblr for tickling. And really started thinking about what I wanted to do with my time. As you can see, I ran wild with it and had a lot of fun making these things. I still do. But, again... anything tickling related is pretty much the elephant in the room. I'm not "making things my Bf would enjoy." Which makes me feel like shit. Talk about feeling useless... I can't even please my Bf anymore.
The woman that use to be the life of the party... only exists every once in a blue moon. I do smoke cannibas oil to help relax me. But even that isn't working very well anymore. it still does sometimes.
When I am in the Main Chat... MAIN... NOT PRIVATE CHAT.... I feel the most comfortable. Not any other place in my life do I really feel as comfortable as I do in that one place. This tiny little chat room makes me feel relaxed. It's my bar. My support group. If I say something... I know only those interested will speak up. It takes the pressure off of me to know that only those truly interested in what I am saying will speak up. When someone asks me to go to private chat.... usually those people have no idea who I am... and are really starting at the beginning of getting to know me. Meanwhile, by staying in Main... I am getting to know people with the tid bits I get from their lives. That is enough for me. It's all I can handle. And in turn, I get to add tidbits from my life. As much as I am an open book... I'm not. I speak up when I can. This takes the pressure off of me. I have intense social anxiety. Some people think that I want to talk about their tickling fantasies in private. Well... I did. But now... I don't. If I speak to you in Main... that's all I can handle. I feel like some of you keep pulling me away from the table I want to be at... to talk about things that I really don't want to be talking about. (Not to least mention the Catfish and CREEPS I want to avoid.) Please stop pulling me away from my table. I never pm anyone anyway.(When I have its quite rare.) I'm comfortable in Main Chat. Please don't take what I am saying as a slight. Sometimes I think some of you might feel that I don't like you. Or I'm avoiding you by saying no to go into private chat. Or not writing you at all. That's not it. Main Chat is just where I feel comfortable. You don't see the heavy luggage I have.... you know why? I'm there to relax. Now sometimes I'm upset and will talk about what's going on. But just like the guy that goes to the Strip Club to get away from his problems for a little while.... that's essentially what I'm doing. Please respect that. I also know that every single one of you has your OWN NEEDS. Well, I'm sorry I can't take on your needs when I have so many of mine. That's unfair to you, and its unfair to me. I do enjoy giving advice. And if you genuinely want advice I will go in pc with you. But don't pull me in there for RP. Make it a genuine reason. I do enough writing as it is with my stories and audios. I want to be a good friend to all of you, as much as I can. But, I need that in return. I expect to meet some of you at future gatherings. And I look so forward to that you can't even know. (Probably as much as some you do.) But that's the future... this is NOW.
I really have not wanted to talk about any of this. But... here and there its been coming out. My nerves are frayed. BEEN frayed for some time. And I really want to make sure that none of my issues inadvertently become a problem. Since a lot of you are shy, or paranoid, or whatever... I'm also writing this to help alleviate your mindset on me. There's been a few people I've talked about my issues with. But... when you isolate like I do... I just end up feeling guilty that I ever talked about them at all. It's just the way it is. I think some of you might be angry with me that I haven't sought you out for conversation. Well... can this writing help you understand why I haven't done that? I hope so. When anger, or insults come my way like they did yesterday... I feel responsible for that. I know I shouldn't. But I do. I actually took the picture that was commented on down. Seeing it full screen... no... it wasn't a good picture of me. Am I supposed to apologize for how I look? I don't actually think I'm hot. Sometimes I do. But, I'm depressed! I don't have a healthy view of myself anymore. This place helped me in a lot of ways feel good about myself. If you think I'm unattractive... there's an entire world of gorgeous women out there. Go find them. And leave me alone. That's about as polite as I can be about it.
Hurt feelings can be avoided so easily if you would just speak up if I have offended you in some way. I am the easiest person to talk to about any issue you may have with me. I will resolve it to the best of my ability.
At the end of the day I am one person on a forum of over 100,000. Just like you. Enjoying my time here. A lot of you are here to meet someone. And I wish you luck. But don't put your goals on me. I have my own. And if you bother to ask at all what my goals are (in main chat, not private. Even mail. ) I'll go through this lengthy, LENGTHY list. LOL! 🙂
I really hope that counseling will help me. Because I am at the end of my rope. I think some of you actually care about me. Whether that's for the content I make... or some combination of that and me as a whole. Whatever the reason, I need you to understand what I am doing. And that is trying to finally fix my heart that's long been broken. It's all I can do if I want to someday reclaim the person I was, moreso the person I want to be. I hope you understand. If you need more clarity, feel free to ask a question below. Everyone has luggage they carry. This is mine, I hope one day I can finally put it all down. I'm tired.
Warmly,
Doll
