This is long- Throughout the years where no one knew me here, to now where some people know of me, whether I have talked to you or not- I have felt extremely welcomed and that means a LOT to me. And after reading this I'm sure you will understand why it means so much to me. Though it may come off a bit discombobulated. (my apologies) But I want to thank everyone here for being such good people with the warmest hearts in the world. And, if you can indulge me and read through this and get to the end, you are going to find a surprise just for you. (and me.) I am no different than anyone else. I come with life baggage just like anyone else though.
So- some of you know about my very rough weekend where my Bf and I were talking about breaking up. I went in the chat room the other day and vented some of it. Well... was I ever wrong. I very much misjudged Him and our relationship. And quite frankly I misjudged our life. Though some of the things he has said did in fact give me reason to worry... He really met me in the middle last night. He already was I just didn't realize it.
Yesterday I vowed to do the things he has asked of me, to make things better for Him, so He can relax at home. And in turn will make things better for me. Now, there are reasons why I am not "allowed" to work right now- I can SOMEDAY if I wish -it doesn't matter to him either way- but I have to stay at home right now- I also have a 19 year old dog that needs full time care. So, its a LOT or reasons.)
Anyway, I need to get back to the things I need to do to reach my goals. (Weight loss, overall happiness).
Some life history:
It seems to be a pattern where If I get physically hurt (like recently my back), or sick or what have you- by having to sit around SO MUCH -not only do I have all this time to overthink things- but I get VERY depressed, and anxious. The need for change in me becomes overwhelming. I have rearranged furniture Idk how many times. It has driven my Bf crazy. It drove my Gf crazy. I finally stopped last year- the need in me for that persists but I have learned to control it I think finally. I think I stopped after last summer. Except I still rearrange pictures on the wall, or little odds and ends. In my head its because I enjoy photography and can't really go anywhere so I have to change the backgrounds. Oddly enough this stems from so many years of being bullied in school (try all of them but one), at home to a degree as a kid (I had a Joan Crawford type mother- just not nearly as bad. Good intentions are sometimes best served cold not matter how well intentioned.), and my Girlfriend of 12 years who passed away 7 -8 years ago from Cancer. (I don't want to remember the date). And so my need to control SOMETHING comes out in different ways. Like rearranging the furniture to the point my Bf can't find ANYTHING. Even I stopped being able to find things. We all have our baggage and mine is heavy. And its been a real fight for me throughout the last 7 years to get back to a place of overall joy and happiness. And being faced with financial hardship has made everything 100x's harder. Not having the money to go out, to enjoy holidays, to buy presents, or just to leave the house for a few hours to get away for stress relief. It's been rough finding the positives- so when I am forced to sit around... I focus on the negatives. Not because I want to- its just what happens. Which I think anyone with a heart who has lost someone can understand this. The things we bought together, the pictures the everything. I finally last week packed a lot of these things up. And I love these things but its hard to look at any of these things now. By rearranging them constantly I was trying to find happiness looking at them again. Or a sense of peace. Or to find control which was happening even before my Gf died. All they do is remind me of my old life. And I'm not living that life anymore. My life is completely different. Including a very new, and a very different person. Somehow my Bf has found the positives. But having to deal with my mood swings, and this place... hasn't been easy on him either- no way. And I'm not even going to touch on what my periods are like. Oh my god... And... guess what started the end of last week...) We fought all weekend long. The culmination of everything these past few weeks, and staying inside my overthinking everything brain resulted in a huge blow up. I said its over that's it! And He was at the point of saying you might be right. Even though... that's NOT what either of us wants. We love each other deeply. And I think I have still been trying to top from the bottom... not good. I didn't realize this.
So I/We were basically out of the woods the last couple days but I woke up yesterday and was really depressed. I didn't feel any closer to progress within our relationship. As much as I want change, actually doing it is hard. So, the night before last we had left things with I/ we were going to work on things. So-I ate very little for lunch- and did my first workout (I almost cried afterwards- it had been weeks since I was able to work out- and I couldn't work out all summer because I broke our ac accidentally a few years ago- $8-$12,000 is not easy to just cough up.) But, I didn't cry- I pushed past it and did my 2nd workout- I felt amazingly better after that.
So, I took a shower and dressed up very sexy. A little background on this part of the blog-A year ago I realized I always had an affinity for Candy Blondes. (I'm Bisexual) Blondes that wear bright colors, look a little slutty, and are charming. (Blame all those sexploitation movies I grew up on- and Christina Applegate aka Kelly Bundy, and the Cherry Pie girl 😉 In my Horror movie phase from 24-30 years awesome- that went on WAY past its expiration date- I grew to look at these women like they were the Cheerleaders of painful days gone by- but the more I put in Candy Blondes on the internet (my Bf and I use to love bringing home hot pics of women we found on the internet while I was away at my job Caregiving 3 nights a week, then look at them together). (Don't worry my patient was already in bed at this time.) Well one day I found the term Bimbofication. (If you are unfamiliar please look it up) But basically what it is and what it means for me, is a way to let go of your inhibitions. Not think so much about heavy stuff, (to focus on things that bring you cheer and happiness, LAUGHTER) and dress up in sexy outfits as much as you want (occasion appropriate), while being a fun person to be around instead of a killjoy. Now... I am not stupid. I AM ditzy- but I am not stupid. And I'm extremely friendly to the point where I trust sometimes more than I should. But, I'm learning how to not be so trusting, while remaining true to myself. Just enough not to put myself or my feelings in harm's way. So, putting aside all of the heavy stuff I've gone through- to become the fun girl who likes to party and become a lil sex fiend has been right up my ally. I USE to be that. But I lost it along the way dealing with life- who wouldn't? And making the transition from being a teenager and the in my 20's me- to having to be a new version of me now at 37. I didn't know how. And considering I've always wanted to be blonde, and dress like this...my Bf loved the idea too. Even though we came together under BDSM terms as he was a Professional Dominant in Sadism etc. I was into it very much at the time. (Blame the Horror movies and other exploitation movies or porn here. I was great with it for a long time... but somewhere along the lines it just wasn't working for me anymore. It began to hurt TOO much and not in a good way.) So my Bf dropped it for me. This from a more person who really enjoyed it. I still enjoy getting spanked occasionally or sometimes I try to put a crop in His hands... but Idk for now that part of us is just in a box on a shelf waiting for further review. For this I thank Him immensely.
So focusing on the cheery side of life has been met with its ups and downs. But overall I am now the women who posts videos of animals doing cute things. Who will put on the cartoon Jem & The Holograms for fun, watch stand up, comedies, dance and sing to music videos. Plus other cheery stuff that I couldn't have imagined myself doing years ago. So, anyone who could condemn Bimbofication and only sees implants, big lips, "dumbing down"- really needs to talk to the people who are into it. Yes there's the sexual fetishization of the exterior, but its WAY more than that. WAY more. And when I realistically sit here and think about it... it has done wonders for my self esteem, and overall day to day happiness. I enjoy being a tease, I enjoy making videos for Men and Women to cum to, I enjoy brightening up peoples day. Because in turn, you brighten up mine if you honestly enjoy the things I put out there, and comment with your thoughts. Only here and on Tumblr do I make myself available to the Bimbofication and Tickling community. I want you all to know this because I don't want you to think I am running rampant all over the internet. I tried Fetlife, ALt.com and a couple other places but.... meh. My BF discovered Tumblr as a safe place for me to be me. And I've always come here. I just didn't post very much. Not that this would really matter- but I want you to realize I'm not seeking validation here- I consider these fetishes so special... that even without knowing any of you personally I think highly of you enough to share myself with all of you. Including getting naked. And doing the things I have only thought about in my head for almost as long as forever. Yes I like voyeurism... but...its so much more than that for me. I was the girl who didn't have friends. And I lived in my head for so long...my only friend was really me. My fantasies were only mine. And I want to bring my fantasies to life- not JUST for me- so if ONE person here I can bring a smile to their face- even just for a minute- that makes me truly happy. I see this as a highlight to my life. Not something I'm doing because I have issues. It takes a lot to put yourself out there so naked in front of so many people. And yes this certainly fulfills some of my fantasies too. And as far as bullying issues... out of the dark thoughts of sadness I get to sometimes..., I come back to looking in the mirror and think I'm pretty. And a good person. I don't always feel this way- so I make something and put it out there- I feel good about myself in these moments. And I want other people to feel good about themselves. These fantasies are AWESOME. So if good things can come from bad... hellz yes. I'm just one person, living an adult lifestyle free from the constraints of having children. (Its just not for me- and aside from many other reasons-I've been broke long enough, thank you very much.)
Which bring me to the surprise part of this long and dramatic story.... thank you for waiting.
So after I got dressed up I took a few pics and made a short video. Now, I had written I had somewhere to go or to do. I didn't really have somewhere to go. Where I was going was to the living room. Because I knew we were going to be talking more about us. Now, He has stated numerous times please just think about my needs too, because I WILL fulfill yours. So, it was now time to continue our discussion. I am on this routine where I am supposed to start edging myself 3 times a day. When I got to the couch I realized I hadn't done the second edge. (And honestly I thought about skipping it all together and lying that I had. But I thought to myself no... I'm not going to do that... I'm not a liar and I'm not going to start now- even if I have to leave my comfort zone- its time to start getting uncomfortable. I got up and brought the vibrator into the living to edge myself right in front of him. And, it excited him to the point of him helping me edge myself. It was nice. I didn't get to cum... I'm on restriction for many reasons. That's another blog entirely.
So after that... He gathered me up in his arms and He talked to me. Not only did He talk to me- but what He said got really dizzy and thought I was going to black out. My head started to spin and I could literally hear angels singing lol. Little colorful lights floated around my eyes. This is what he said in a nutshell:
"As far as your tickling fantasies: You mentioned Gang Tickling. I don't have a problem with this. I will be there when this happens, but there will be no sexual contact. That's MY tickle spot and if anyone tries to I'm just going to politely walk up and tell them no. So yes I want to go to tickle gatherings with you. I want to see your fantasies come true. And I really am enjoying tickling you. As a Dominant yes I want what I want, but its my job to give you what you want to get to what I also want. Not because I have to- but because I love you. And it excites me to get you this excited. You don't seem to understand that seeing you get this wet, this turned on is what gets me turned on. So, in the future give me time to learn about this, and more and more of your fantasies will come true. But I'm starting at the beginning. So you HAVE to give me time. It took time to become a Dominant- and this is also going to take time because I have no experience with this particular fetish. Everything takes time if you care enough about it, and the person you are sharing the experience with"
He just told me one of MY biggest fantasies will come true one day. OMG. Now... I'm not going to sit here and start asking him down my list- is this ok, is THIS ok, what about this and this and this. I am NOT going to push him. That would be extremely unfair. Especially since he has put real time in having me explore different things in the bedroom for my own pleasure. And negated some of His own fantasies. Mine were negated because that's all I focused on. Not his needs very much at all. I was dening enjoyment to myself because I didn't feel I would "get it". He already knows what He enjoys- I don't know mine. I'm been very closed off as much as I thought I was being welcoming to His fantasies. What I'm going to do is grow with Him on this. His needs and mine, that are going to be combined, dissected, looked at, understood, and grown upon. Because I myself only have so much experience with Tickling, and most of it is in childhood- me tickling others back then. And a handful of adult experiences. (Course they are starting to rack up under his tickling fingers...) And of course what I have read or seen. I have enjoyed teasing "oh I am the best tickler ever"- I'm really kidding when I say this. Because I don't know that. I only know what I would like to do. I know I have hundreds of variations of my tickling fantasies. And when we get to go to tickle gatherings- I have to learn like everybody else in the meantime... because all of you have different expectations as well. Sometimes when I have been asked questions- I don't know how to answer them. I haven't known exactly where both of mine and my Bf's limits are. (He has, as it stands now does NOT want to be tickled even by me- He IS willing to tickle other women). Or my tickling scales. I have an idea at this point. This is why I have said no to rp with Men. (aside from getting so many invites to chat I couldn't keep up and it just gets confusing) I didn't want my BF to EVER think I was cheating on Him. And I didn't want to become fixated on any one person aside from my Bf with my tickling needs. Not that I really could have because in the past -I did the quickie rp's. That didn't make them memorable. I prefer the live story rps I'm doing now. That way I don't feel like I'm doing something wrong. Its all on the table. I am about to finish my 2nd rp and I am going to have my Bf read them. As long as He is comfortable with it, I will continue. If not, that's ok too. I think I could be content just writing my own stories and reading others. But that is not only up to my Bf... it's up to MASTER.
With Him telling me a fantasy(s) of mine WILL come true... its like a flood of acceptance suddenly was born of me. And I said to Him later... " I think we really grew tonight as a couple". And He agreed with me whole heartedly. And in writing this out, its helping me realize how much. The who, the what, the when... I realize now its all (or a lot anyway) is going to happen in due time. I don't feel this weight anymore of it has to happen SOON- My BF HAS to understand my fetish NOW. I feel a huge sense of peace today.
Back to the rp for a second. I am enjoying doing live rp in the stories section. When I write with someone, for me I think there should be more time placed in the writing so it can be a worthy memory. Almost like it really happened. As far fetched as some of them might be to you... I treat them like Hollywood movies- so that when I go back to read them... I can see it as plainly as if it was happening in front of my eyes. And as wild as they can be. (Same with my own non rp stories of my imagination). Whether I achieve this is up for debate. But, I write for myself. And to accomodate the other writer. I enjoy chatting in the main room of the chat- I enjoy having chat with other women. And Men as long as things stay within certain guide lines. I can't put any more preconceived notions of what my life is going to look like in the future. I don't have a time machine. Nor should I want one. Part of the fun in life I guess is being surprised at what comes next. And dreaming within writing or video is fine... getting ready for real life meet ups in the years to come is a completely different reality.
And so I will leave you with this...you can consider me the biggest tease you've ever met... who's going to get EXACTLY what's coming to Her... happiness. And the most torturous tickling experiences of her life. And MAYBE I can dish it back out to some of you... (at least I think so... my thoughts range from sensual/ light tickling to sadistic). I look forward to all the experiences I am going to get to experience in this life. Especially with the most patient and loving Man I have ever met.
Thank you SO MUCH for reading... I have been writing since 9:30 this morning, and it's almost 4pm. I can no longer write, rewrite, add... I have to let this go into the TMF Universe as is. Now... I'm going to dance to a couple of George Michael Videos, get on with my day. And later I have a certain rp thread that needs attention and to write about what happened last night after our talk... we had the BEST experience last night and I was told I need to share it!!! 🙂 And btw... My Bf also really respects how nice and kind you ALL have been to me. He is really happy about this. So.... I hope someday you get to meet Him. Here and off the boards. And I will be writing more blog updates on our path to our sexual explorations of tickling within our bedroom and the path for me riding up to the golden gates of the various tickling gathering. With my silver collar around my neck. I love my Master and respect Him and I respect all of you. Have a great day!!!!
Tickles to you!!!
~Doll
So- some of you know about my very rough weekend where my Bf and I were talking about breaking up. I went in the chat room the other day and vented some of it. Well... was I ever wrong. I very much misjudged Him and our relationship. And quite frankly I misjudged our life. Though some of the things he has said did in fact give me reason to worry... He really met me in the middle last night. He already was I just didn't realize it.
Yesterday I vowed to do the things he has asked of me, to make things better for Him, so He can relax at home. And in turn will make things better for me. Now, there are reasons why I am not "allowed" to work right now- I can SOMEDAY if I wish -it doesn't matter to him either way- but I have to stay at home right now- I also have a 19 year old dog that needs full time care. So, its a LOT or reasons.)
Anyway, I need to get back to the things I need to do to reach my goals. (Weight loss, overall happiness).
Some life history:
It seems to be a pattern where If I get physically hurt (like recently my back), or sick or what have you- by having to sit around SO MUCH -not only do I have all this time to overthink things- but I get VERY depressed, and anxious. The need for change in me becomes overwhelming. I have rearranged furniture Idk how many times. It has driven my Bf crazy. It drove my Gf crazy. I finally stopped last year- the need in me for that persists but I have learned to control it I think finally. I think I stopped after last summer. Except I still rearrange pictures on the wall, or little odds and ends. In my head its because I enjoy photography and can't really go anywhere so I have to change the backgrounds. Oddly enough this stems from so many years of being bullied in school (try all of them but one), at home to a degree as a kid (I had a Joan Crawford type mother- just not nearly as bad. Good intentions are sometimes best served cold not matter how well intentioned.), and my Girlfriend of 12 years who passed away 7 -8 years ago from Cancer. (I don't want to remember the date). And so my need to control SOMETHING comes out in different ways. Like rearranging the furniture to the point my Bf can't find ANYTHING. Even I stopped being able to find things. We all have our baggage and mine is heavy. And its been a real fight for me throughout the last 7 years to get back to a place of overall joy and happiness. And being faced with financial hardship has made everything 100x's harder. Not having the money to go out, to enjoy holidays, to buy presents, or just to leave the house for a few hours to get away for stress relief. It's been rough finding the positives- so when I am forced to sit around... I focus on the negatives. Not because I want to- its just what happens. Which I think anyone with a heart who has lost someone can understand this. The things we bought together, the pictures the everything. I finally last week packed a lot of these things up. And I love these things but its hard to look at any of these things now. By rearranging them constantly I was trying to find happiness looking at them again. Or a sense of peace. Or to find control which was happening even before my Gf died. All they do is remind me of my old life. And I'm not living that life anymore. My life is completely different. Including a very new, and a very different person. Somehow my Bf has found the positives. But having to deal with my mood swings, and this place... hasn't been easy on him either- no way. And I'm not even going to touch on what my periods are like. Oh my god... And... guess what started the end of last week...) We fought all weekend long. The culmination of everything these past few weeks, and staying inside my overthinking everything brain resulted in a huge blow up. I said its over that's it! And He was at the point of saying you might be right. Even though... that's NOT what either of us wants. We love each other deeply. And I think I have still been trying to top from the bottom... not good. I didn't realize this.
So I/We were basically out of the woods the last couple days but I woke up yesterday and was really depressed. I didn't feel any closer to progress within our relationship. As much as I want change, actually doing it is hard. So, the night before last we had left things with I/ we were going to work on things. So-I ate very little for lunch- and did my first workout (I almost cried afterwards- it had been weeks since I was able to work out- and I couldn't work out all summer because I broke our ac accidentally a few years ago- $8-$12,000 is not easy to just cough up.) But, I didn't cry- I pushed past it and did my 2nd workout- I felt amazingly better after that.
So, I took a shower and dressed up very sexy. A little background on this part of the blog-A year ago I realized I always had an affinity for Candy Blondes. (I'm Bisexual) Blondes that wear bright colors, look a little slutty, and are charming. (Blame all those sexploitation movies I grew up on- and Christina Applegate aka Kelly Bundy, and the Cherry Pie girl 😉 In my Horror movie phase from 24-30 years awesome- that went on WAY past its expiration date- I grew to look at these women like they were the Cheerleaders of painful days gone by- but the more I put in Candy Blondes on the internet (my Bf and I use to love bringing home hot pics of women we found on the internet while I was away at my job Caregiving 3 nights a week, then look at them together). (Don't worry my patient was already in bed at this time.) Well one day I found the term Bimbofication. (If you are unfamiliar please look it up) But basically what it is and what it means for me, is a way to let go of your inhibitions. Not think so much about heavy stuff, (to focus on things that bring you cheer and happiness, LAUGHTER) and dress up in sexy outfits as much as you want (occasion appropriate), while being a fun person to be around instead of a killjoy. Now... I am not stupid. I AM ditzy- but I am not stupid. And I'm extremely friendly to the point where I trust sometimes more than I should. But, I'm learning how to not be so trusting, while remaining true to myself. Just enough not to put myself or my feelings in harm's way. So, putting aside all of the heavy stuff I've gone through- to become the fun girl who likes to party and become a lil sex fiend has been right up my ally. I USE to be that. But I lost it along the way dealing with life- who wouldn't? And making the transition from being a teenager and the in my 20's me- to having to be a new version of me now at 37. I didn't know how. And considering I've always wanted to be blonde, and dress like this...my Bf loved the idea too. Even though we came together under BDSM terms as he was a Professional Dominant in Sadism etc. I was into it very much at the time. (Blame the Horror movies and other exploitation movies or porn here. I was great with it for a long time... but somewhere along the lines it just wasn't working for me anymore. It began to hurt TOO much and not in a good way.) So my Bf dropped it for me. This from a more person who really enjoyed it. I still enjoy getting spanked occasionally or sometimes I try to put a crop in His hands... but Idk for now that part of us is just in a box on a shelf waiting for further review. For this I thank Him immensely.
So focusing on the cheery side of life has been met with its ups and downs. But overall I am now the women who posts videos of animals doing cute things. Who will put on the cartoon Jem & The Holograms for fun, watch stand up, comedies, dance and sing to music videos. Plus other cheery stuff that I couldn't have imagined myself doing years ago. So, anyone who could condemn Bimbofication and only sees implants, big lips, "dumbing down"- really needs to talk to the people who are into it. Yes there's the sexual fetishization of the exterior, but its WAY more than that. WAY more. And when I realistically sit here and think about it... it has done wonders for my self esteem, and overall day to day happiness. I enjoy being a tease, I enjoy making videos for Men and Women to cum to, I enjoy brightening up peoples day. Because in turn, you brighten up mine if you honestly enjoy the things I put out there, and comment with your thoughts. Only here and on Tumblr do I make myself available to the Bimbofication and Tickling community. I want you all to know this because I don't want you to think I am running rampant all over the internet. I tried Fetlife, ALt.com and a couple other places but.... meh. My BF discovered Tumblr as a safe place for me to be me. And I've always come here. I just didn't post very much. Not that this would really matter- but I want you to realize I'm not seeking validation here- I consider these fetishes so special... that even without knowing any of you personally I think highly of you enough to share myself with all of you. Including getting naked. And doing the things I have only thought about in my head for almost as long as forever. Yes I like voyeurism... but...its so much more than that for me. I was the girl who didn't have friends. And I lived in my head for so long...my only friend was really me. My fantasies were only mine. And I want to bring my fantasies to life- not JUST for me- so if ONE person here I can bring a smile to their face- even just for a minute- that makes me truly happy. I see this as a highlight to my life. Not something I'm doing because I have issues. It takes a lot to put yourself out there so naked in front of so many people. And yes this certainly fulfills some of my fantasies too. And as far as bullying issues... out of the dark thoughts of sadness I get to sometimes..., I come back to looking in the mirror and think I'm pretty. And a good person. I don't always feel this way- so I make something and put it out there- I feel good about myself in these moments. And I want other people to feel good about themselves. These fantasies are AWESOME. So if good things can come from bad... hellz yes. I'm just one person, living an adult lifestyle free from the constraints of having children. (Its just not for me- and aside from many other reasons-I've been broke long enough, thank you very much.)
Which bring me to the surprise part of this long and dramatic story.... thank you for waiting.
So after I got dressed up I took a few pics and made a short video. Now, I had written I had somewhere to go or to do. I didn't really have somewhere to go. Where I was going was to the living room. Because I knew we were going to be talking more about us. Now, He has stated numerous times please just think about my needs too, because I WILL fulfill yours. So, it was now time to continue our discussion. I am on this routine where I am supposed to start edging myself 3 times a day. When I got to the couch I realized I hadn't done the second edge. (And honestly I thought about skipping it all together and lying that I had. But I thought to myself no... I'm not going to do that... I'm not a liar and I'm not going to start now- even if I have to leave my comfort zone- its time to start getting uncomfortable. I got up and brought the vibrator into the living to edge myself right in front of him. And, it excited him to the point of him helping me edge myself. It was nice. I didn't get to cum... I'm on restriction for many reasons. That's another blog entirely.
So after that... He gathered me up in his arms and He talked to me. Not only did He talk to me- but what He said got really dizzy and thought I was going to black out. My head started to spin and I could literally hear angels singing lol. Little colorful lights floated around my eyes. This is what he said in a nutshell:
"As far as your tickling fantasies: You mentioned Gang Tickling. I don't have a problem with this. I will be there when this happens, but there will be no sexual contact. That's MY tickle spot and if anyone tries to I'm just going to politely walk up and tell them no. So yes I want to go to tickle gatherings with you. I want to see your fantasies come true. And I really am enjoying tickling you. As a Dominant yes I want what I want, but its my job to give you what you want to get to what I also want. Not because I have to- but because I love you. And it excites me to get you this excited. You don't seem to understand that seeing you get this wet, this turned on is what gets me turned on. So, in the future give me time to learn about this, and more and more of your fantasies will come true. But I'm starting at the beginning. So you HAVE to give me time. It took time to become a Dominant- and this is also going to take time because I have no experience with this particular fetish. Everything takes time if you care enough about it, and the person you are sharing the experience with"
He just told me one of MY biggest fantasies will come true one day. OMG. Now... I'm not going to sit here and start asking him down my list- is this ok, is THIS ok, what about this and this and this. I am NOT going to push him. That would be extremely unfair. Especially since he has put real time in having me explore different things in the bedroom for my own pleasure. And negated some of His own fantasies. Mine were negated because that's all I focused on. Not his needs very much at all. I was dening enjoyment to myself because I didn't feel I would "get it". He already knows what He enjoys- I don't know mine. I'm been very closed off as much as I thought I was being welcoming to His fantasies. What I'm going to do is grow with Him on this. His needs and mine, that are going to be combined, dissected, looked at, understood, and grown upon. Because I myself only have so much experience with Tickling, and most of it is in childhood- me tickling others back then. And a handful of adult experiences. (Course they are starting to rack up under his tickling fingers...) And of course what I have read or seen. I have enjoyed teasing "oh I am the best tickler ever"- I'm really kidding when I say this. Because I don't know that. I only know what I would like to do. I know I have hundreds of variations of my tickling fantasies. And when we get to go to tickle gatherings- I have to learn like everybody else in the meantime... because all of you have different expectations as well. Sometimes when I have been asked questions- I don't know how to answer them. I haven't known exactly where both of mine and my Bf's limits are. (He has, as it stands now does NOT want to be tickled even by me- He IS willing to tickle other women). Or my tickling scales. I have an idea at this point. This is why I have said no to rp with Men. (aside from getting so many invites to chat I couldn't keep up and it just gets confusing) I didn't want my BF to EVER think I was cheating on Him. And I didn't want to become fixated on any one person aside from my Bf with my tickling needs. Not that I really could have because in the past -I did the quickie rp's. That didn't make them memorable. I prefer the live story rps I'm doing now. That way I don't feel like I'm doing something wrong. Its all on the table. I am about to finish my 2nd rp and I am going to have my Bf read them. As long as He is comfortable with it, I will continue. If not, that's ok too. I think I could be content just writing my own stories and reading others. But that is not only up to my Bf... it's up to MASTER.
With Him telling me a fantasy(s) of mine WILL come true... its like a flood of acceptance suddenly was born of me. And I said to Him later... " I think we really grew tonight as a couple". And He agreed with me whole heartedly. And in writing this out, its helping me realize how much. The who, the what, the when... I realize now its all (or a lot anyway) is going to happen in due time. I don't feel this weight anymore of it has to happen SOON- My BF HAS to understand my fetish NOW. I feel a huge sense of peace today.
Back to the rp for a second. I am enjoying doing live rp in the stories section. When I write with someone, for me I think there should be more time placed in the writing so it can be a worthy memory. Almost like it really happened. As far fetched as some of them might be to you... I treat them like Hollywood movies- so that when I go back to read them... I can see it as plainly as if it was happening in front of my eyes. And as wild as they can be. (Same with my own non rp stories of my imagination). Whether I achieve this is up for debate. But, I write for myself. And to accomodate the other writer. I enjoy chatting in the main room of the chat- I enjoy having chat with other women. And Men as long as things stay within certain guide lines. I can't put any more preconceived notions of what my life is going to look like in the future. I don't have a time machine. Nor should I want one. Part of the fun in life I guess is being surprised at what comes next. And dreaming within writing or video is fine... getting ready for real life meet ups in the years to come is a completely different reality.
And so I will leave you with this...you can consider me the biggest tease you've ever met... who's going to get EXACTLY what's coming to Her... happiness. And the most torturous tickling experiences of her life. And MAYBE I can dish it back out to some of you... (at least I think so... my thoughts range from sensual/ light tickling to sadistic). I look forward to all the experiences I am going to get to experience in this life. Especially with the most patient and loving Man I have ever met.
Thank you SO MUCH for reading... I have been writing since 9:30 this morning, and it's almost 4pm. I can no longer write, rewrite, add... I have to let this go into the TMF Universe as is. Now... I'm going to dance to a couple of George Michael Videos, get on with my day. And later I have a certain rp thread that needs attention and to write about what happened last night after our talk... we had the BEST experience last night and I was told I need to share it!!! 🙂 And btw... My Bf also really respects how nice and kind you ALL have been to me. He is really happy about this. So.... I hope someday you get to meet Him. Here and off the boards. And I will be writing more blog updates on our path to our sexual explorations of tickling within our bedroom and the path for me riding up to the golden gates of the various tickling gathering. With my silver collar around my neck. I love my Master and respect Him and I respect all of you. Have a great day!!!!
Tickles to you!!!
~Doll
