I consider myself to be a very strong person. In my life, I've dealt with my parents divorce, the loss of my home, my dog, and my way of life. I endured threats, and a 16 year estrangement from my father. Through it all, I worked, went to school, and, if failure came my way, which it has, both with romance, and business, I dealt with it with strength, and moved on. I do, however, have one kryponite, and that is, the severe illness and death of any loved one who is profoundly important to me.
My maternal grandfather had a major stroke when I was 17. He was in a nursing home the last year plus of his life. We were very close, and I loved him dearly. He was my male image. Yet, I could only see him sporadically while he was in the home, because I couldn't stand to see him suffer, and be in pain. His death occurred suddenly, and going to my grandmother's apartment on that Sunday morning to tell her that her husband of 51 years had passed away, and seeing her reaction, was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. The week after his death, I took a week off from college, and lied in bed, staring into space, feeling shattered that God had taken him from me.
Six years later, when my maternal grandmother passed away, the situation was a bit different. She was sick with kidney failure, and then, as I posted in an earlier blog entry , decided she didnt want to take treatment anymore. Her passing was more of a long hospital situation that went on for nearly a month, and then the circumstances surrounding her death occurred within a matter of 24 hours time. My mom says I handled it "well" under the circumstances. I stood with mom, and sold my grandmother's furniture, and cleaned out her apartment. I was very profoundly affacted by my grandmother's passing, as we were extremely close.
Now, I'm facing this with my mom. My mom, like probably all cancer patients, doesn't want to hear about "Death", she wants to hear about "treatment, life, and treatment advances during her illness". Fine. I understand that completely, and I want to honor her wishes, but, when you go to doctors, and they tell your mother: "You have metastisized cancer in both lungs, and if you do nothing, you'll be dead in 6 months, and even with chemo, 2 years is a best case scenario", it's like a terrible blow to the gut. My mom is only 72. Her mother died when she was 77, and her father died when he was 79. Mom insists that she is going to live as long as my grandmother did. Fine. I hope and pray this as well, but, I only want her to live, if she's not going to suffer, in spite of what the Drs telling me, about lung cancer being a "non suffering cancer".
I guess my point is this: I'm not someone who deals with death of loved ones well. I know that mom was going to go sometime. I guess I'm just confronted with her serious illness, and, heaven forbid, her possible passing, much sooner than I expected. If God Forbid she passes in the short term, it's going to be the most devestating blow of my life. I had hoped by the time something happened to her, I would have had a wife, and kids, and others to lean on. That isnt the case. While I'm trying not to think the worst, I'm also emotionally preparing myself. I cant live in delusional fantasyland. Mom has also instructed me that she doesnt want to see tears, unless we hear specific news to justify it. Fine. If I want to cry, I will do so in my room, away from her sight.
My mom says we have a special bond because of the situation we've both lived under, fighting the wars against my father for over 20 years. I see her point. We do have a very close relationship. I'm a very complex person, in that I can be very independent, but yet, am very emotionally tied into my mom. Even if we're both home, we might not talk for hours, or most of a day, and then we talk. She is my most significant family member, and, comtemplating life without her, is just heartbreaking.
I know that all of this is premature. Hopefully, mom can seek the right treatment, to keep her with me for a long time. Hopefully, by the time she does pass away, my life will be different, so that, while it will still be a hard hit, it will be a bit of a different perspective, then if heaven forbid it happens in the short term.
Mitch
One other point I should make: When I said "Others to lean on:" I know I have my friends here, a few real life friends, and my aunt, who will be suffering just as much as I will, if God forbid mom goes, as they are very close. I sincerely appreciate, from the bottom of my heart, the support I receive from the people I just mentioned. What I meant is: I dont have a wife, or partner, to lean on, or any siblings, who would suffer mom's loss as I will if she goes, as I am an only child. My situation is a bit different than others in my family who have lost relatives, as they had their siblings, and children, to lean on.
My maternal grandfather had a major stroke when I was 17. He was in a nursing home the last year plus of his life. We were very close, and I loved him dearly. He was my male image. Yet, I could only see him sporadically while he was in the home, because I couldn't stand to see him suffer, and be in pain. His death occurred suddenly, and going to my grandmother's apartment on that Sunday morning to tell her that her husband of 51 years had passed away, and seeing her reaction, was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. The week after his death, I took a week off from college, and lied in bed, staring into space, feeling shattered that God had taken him from me.
Six years later, when my maternal grandmother passed away, the situation was a bit different. She was sick with kidney failure, and then, as I posted in an earlier blog entry , decided she didnt want to take treatment anymore. Her passing was more of a long hospital situation that went on for nearly a month, and then the circumstances surrounding her death occurred within a matter of 24 hours time. My mom says I handled it "well" under the circumstances. I stood with mom, and sold my grandmother's furniture, and cleaned out her apartment. I was very profoundly affacted by my grandmother's passing, as we were extremely close.
Now, I'm facing this with my mom. My mom, like probably all cancer patients, doesn't want to hear about "Death", she wants to hear about "treatment, life, and treatment advances during her illness". Fine. I understand that completely, and I want to honor her wishes, but, when you go to doctors, and they tell your mother: "You have metastisized cancer in both lungs, and if you do nothing, you'll be dead in 6 months, and even with chemo, 2 years is a best case scenario", it's like a terrible blow to the gut. My mom is only 72. Her mother died when she was 77, and her father died when he was 79. Mom insists that she is going to live as long as my grandmother did. Fine. I hope and pray this as well, but, I only want her to live, if she's not going to suffer, in spite of what the Drs telling me, about lung cancer being a "non suffering cancer".
I guess my point is this: I'm not someone who deals with death of loved ones well. I know that mom was going to go sometime. I guess I'm just confronted with her serious illness, and, heaven forbid, her possible passing, much sooner than I expected. If God Forbid she passes in the short term, it's going to be the most devestating blow of my life. I had hoped by the time something happened to her, I would have had a wife, and kids, and others to lean on. That isnt the case. While I'm trying not to think the worst, I'm also emotionally preparing myself. I cant live in delusional fantasyland. Mom has also instructed me that she doesnt want to see tears, unless we hear specific news to justify it. Fine. If I want to cry, I will do so in my room, away from her sight.
My mom says we have a special bond because of the situation we've both lived under, fighting the wars against my father for over 20 years. I see her point. We do have a very close relationship. I'm a very complex person, in that I can be very independent, but yet, am very emotionally tied into my mom. Even if we're both home, we might not talk for hours, or most of a day, and then we talk. She is my most significant family member, and, comtemplating life without her, is just heartbreaking.
I know that all of this is premature. Hopefully, mom can seek the right treatment, to keep her with me for a long time. Hopefully, by the time she does pass away, my life will be different, so that, while it will still be a hard hit, it will be a bit of a different perspective, then if heaven forbid it happens in the short term.
Mitch
One other point I should make: When I said "Others to lean on:" I know I have my friends here, a few real life friends, and my aunt, who will be suffering just as much as I will, if God forbid mom goes, as they are very close. I sincerely appreciate, from the bottom of my heart, the support I receive from the people I just mentioned. What I meant is: I dont have a wife, or partner, to lean on, or any siblings, who would suffer mom's loss as I will if she goes, as I am an only child. My situation is a bit different than others in my family who have lost relatives, as they had their siblings, and children, to lean on.
