As I think about my life.. of all the things I'm "guilty" of doing.. Not working at a "real job", and being a "salesperson", etc, etc.. there is really only one thing I feel terrible about..
How I treated my mom.
I've documented in my blog about my behavior to her during the summer of 2011, while we were in NJ for three months, as she was trying to fight her cancer. We shared a room, and I had no computer access, and no Jim Gardner every night. I was grumpy, moody, and if I ever acted "spoiled", that was it. Simply put, I was terrible. At one point.. her Drs were so angry at me, that they wanted to send me home.
I apologized to her the night before she died. She was still semi conscious, lucid, and knew who I was. I know she heard me, and she said she forgave me.. yet.. I cant forgive myself.
I took the greatest gift God ever gave me, and treated her like shit, when she needed me most.
Yet, all of my relatives.. who all treat me like shit, and know nothing.., keep telling me how I went "above and beyond".
To my father, that's his lip service, because he's just thrilled she's dead. It enabled him to win his sick war, and be able to treat me as he has this year, and currently is.. with no consequences.
To my aunts: They are so fixated on themselves.. that they truly don't understand.
I don't know if the horrible year I've had in 2013, is repayment for my terrible treatment of my mom when she was sick.
The difference between my mom, and my father, and my relationships with both.
My mom and I never held grudges. We would be mad, yell, scream, curse, and then after a short time, kiss and make up.
When she took my Amex card, and charged things we couldn't afford without telling me, to the tune of thousands, I came home from the college campus, and went ballistic at her. After I saw she got really upset, and had a blackout, I forgave her, and never mentioned it again. She did so much good for me, how could I hold a grudge?
I was a bastard to her, when she was fighting for her life in NJ. Yes, I know she was weak, and dying when she said she forgave me, but knowing my mom,, even if she had beaten the cancer, she would have forgiven me anyway. That's the kind of person she was.
Such is why I want to wring my father;s neck, when the son of a bitch talks about some letter, my mom wrote to an asshole friend's wife over 20 years ago, especially considering this "friend", and his wife, not to mention my father, have been so uncivilized to me.
Since my father has no plans to help me with a job or the business I want to do, and considering his ongoing abusive treatment of me, I plan to see him as little as possible. I'm also never going to forgive him for the e-mail he sent me the other day. If this bastard can take no responsibility for his actions toward me, both in the past, and now, and can justify everyone who treats me like shit... I don't have to forgive him. Most people wouldn't have forgiven him for dumping me as many times as he did, especially when he dropped out, when my mom had cancer.
The mark of a man.. is to admit his mistakes, and change his behavior.
Case in point.. when I sent ill advised messages on here being too forward in the first message, and made girls uncomfortable enough to report me, and almost get me banned, I got mad at first. I now realize. No one sent those messages but me. The mods didn't put a gun to my head, to force me to be too forward. I did it myself, and admitted it publicly in the main forum, and changed my behavior.. so now.. I'm hopefully not in danger of being banned for such things.. because I don't do them anymore.
My SOB father NEVER admitted his horrible behavior to my mom and me, and NEVER changes his behavior. He thought/thinks it is HIS RIGHT to treat/have treated his son, and ex wife like shit, and that others have the same right.
I know he will never change. All I plan to do now, is to hopefully find a job, and get my business started. My aunt the artist, (who is a pacifist to the nines, and thought my mom and me used to hold grudges,) told me that if I'm successful in what I want to do, I should pay my father back every last penny, and tell the son of a bitch to go to hell.
When he comes home from kissing my worst enemy's ass in Vegas. (My uncle of course). I plan to tell him to keep his distance from me, and his mouth shut. I may tell him what happened with Maria, but such will only make him happy. He loves when things go badly for me. He yelled at me last year for accusing him that he's against me, then behaved hypocritically to that, by attacking me, my mom, and justifying everyone who I hate the most in the world. Er.. when you do those things, you don't see WHY I have every reason to feel you are against me, you SOB?
It's been wonderful not to have to talk to him much this week.
My mom, may she rest, used to tell me she thought I was happier when he wasn't in my life. All those years I longed for him, and I don't know why.
I know this entry is a bit rambling, and off topic from my original post.
My point is.. I have only one regret.. how I treated my mom.. "Not having a job", and my feeling about my father.. nope.. no regrets at all. Fuck him, and what he thinks, as he doesn't care what I think. Never has, never will. He has proven that this year, by treating me as he has, and sucking up to everyone in his family and friends, who have spent this year treating me like shit.
How I treated my mom.
I've documented in my blog about my behavior to her during the summer of 2011, while we were in NJ for three months, as she was trying to fight her cancer. We shared a room, and I had no computer access, and no Jim Gardner every night. I was grumpy, moody, and if I ever acted "spoiled", that was it. Simply put, I was terrible. At one point.. her Drs were so angry at me, that they wanted to send me home.
I apologized to her the night before she died. She was still semi conscious, lucid, and knew who I was. I know she heard me, and she said she forgave me.. yet.. I cant forgive myself.
I took the greatest gift God ever gave me, and treated her like shit, when she needed me most.
Yet, all of my relatives.. who all treat me like shit, and know nothing.., keep telling me how I went "above and beyond".
To my father, that's his lip service, because he's just thrilled she's dead. It enabled him to win his sick war, and be able to treat me as he has this year, and currently is.. with no consequences.
To my aunts: They are so fixated on themselves.. that they truly don't understand.
I don't know if the horrible year I've had in 2013, is repayment for my terrible treatment of my mom when she was sick.
The difference between my mom, and my father, and my relationships with both.
My mom and I never held grudges. We would be mad, yell, scream, curse, and then after a short time, kiss and make up.
When she took my Amex card, and charged things we couldn't afford without telling me, to the tune of thousands, I came home from the college campus, and went ballistic at her. After I saw she got really upset, and had a blackout, I forgave her, and never mentioned it again. She did so much good for me, how could I hold a grudge?
I was a bastard to her, when she was fighting for her life in NJ. Yes, I know she was weak, and dying when she said she forgave me, but knowing my mom,, even if she had beaten the cancer, she would have forgiven me anyway. That's the kind of person she was.
Such is why I want to wring my father;s neck, when the son of a bitch talks about some letter, my mom wrote to an asshole friend's wife over 20 years ago, especially considering this "friend", and his wife, not to mention my father, have been so uncivilized to me.
Since my father has no plans to help me with a job or the business I want to do, and considering his ongoing abusive treatment of me, I plan to see him as little as possible. I'm also never going to forgive him for the e-mail he sent me the other day. If this bastard can take no responsibility for his actions toward me, both in the past, and now, and can justify everyone who treats me like shit... I don't have to forgive him. Most people wouldn't have forgiven him for dumping me as many times as he did, especially when he dropped out, when my mom had cancer.
The mark of a man.. is to admit his mistakes, and change his behavior.
Case in point.. when I sent ill advised messages on here being too forward in the first message, and made girls uncomfortable enough to report me, and almost get me banned, I got mad at first. I now realize. No one sent those messages but me. The mods didn't put a gun to my head, to force me to be too forward. I did it myself, and admitted it publicly in the main forum, and changed my behavior.. so now.. I'm hopefully not in danger of being banned for such things.. because I don't do them anymore.
My SOB father NEVER admitted his horrible behavior to my mom and me, and NEVER changes his behavior. He thought/thinks it is HIS RIGHT to treat/have treated his son, and ex wife like shit, and that others have the same right.
I know he will never change. All I plan to do now, is to hopefully find a job, and get my business started. My aunt the artist, (who is a pacifist to the nines, and thought my mom and me used to hold grudges,) told me that if I'm successful in what I want to do, I should pay my father back every last penny, and tell the son of a bitch to go to hell.
When he comes home from kissing my worst enemy's ass in Vegas. (My uncle of course). I plan to tell him to keep his distance from me, and his mouth shut. I may tell him what happened with Maria, but such will only make him happy. He loves when things go badly for me. He yelled at me last year for accusing him that he's against me, then behaved hypocritically to that, by attacking me, my mom, and justifying everyone who I hate the most in the world. Er.. when you do those things, you don't see WHY I have every reason to feel you are against me, you SOB?
It's been wonderful not to have to talk to him much this week.
My mom, may she rest, used to tell me she thought I was happier when he wasn't in my life. All those years I longed for him, and I don't know why.
I know this entry is a bit rambling, and off topic from my original post.
My point is.. I have only one regret.. how I treated my mom.. "Not having a job", and my feeling about my father.. nope.. no regrets at all. Fuck him, and what he thinks, as he doesn't care what I think. Never has, never will. He has proven that this year, by treating me as he has, and sucking up to everyone in his family and friends, who have spent this year treating me like shit.
