It's the middle of the night. I guess it'll be close to 5 am when I'm done writing this... As usual, I'm up because I can't sleep, and I've got absolutely nothing to do.
I'd just like to say that it's nice to be back on TMF. I've really missed you guys, and it hasn't been the same just lurking in the background. I feel I don't know most of you as well as I'd like to though, which really saddens me, but at least I've gotten to know at least some of all the wonderful people around here!
I didn't expect to make a single friend when I started posting on TMF, but it merely took an hour or two after I made my first post before I was contacted by a person who I now regard as one of my only true friends in this world. Sanna, you're the pinnacle of Awesome, just so you know. I really miss our Skype-marathons, but I guess it's not as easy now when school has started again for both of us, and you have a job on top of that...
Also Skippy, or should I say... Crazy Ferret Lady... haha. It's been a great help talking to you when I wasn't feeling too cherful. Kept me from feeling completely abandoned like I usually do at times like that.
Damn, I'm in a strange mood right now... I promise it'll be better once I've had some sleep though - whenever that will be. XD
It's a bit interesting... I've had a lot of encounters with people feeling down recently. In fact, I often encounter that, but recently it's been happening a lot more than usual. It got me thinking...
I saw it for the first time when I was 8 or 9 I think, and that's when I realized people could feel bad for prolonged periods of time. Up untill then I had always regarded such feelings as something temporary that would pass after a good nights sleep.
At that time, the people I encountered were still too young to know how to handle their feelings; so they'd get violent, take it out on others, and all sorts of things.
Ah the innosence of youth.
As I hit my early teens, I mostly just encountered people who pretended to feel bad, in order to get attention. I really felt sorry for them, and still do. One guy cut his wrists just to get my attention, and then he'd just try to make me stick around to see how he was doing, rather than actually let me help him. He didn't want that, he probably feared that I'd go away once the problem was solved. Of course, I would still have been there for him, but he wasn't prepared to "gamble" to find that out.
Obviously, this guy, and all the others... they weren't just pretending, they DID feel bad, but it was because they felt shunned, and they put on an act because of it.
Now in recent days however, I notice people do NOT want to talk about their problems. At all. Or well, most people don't. I've seen too many cases of people carrying everything inside of themselves, and they all eventually break.
One of my best friends, a fellow who lives in the US, is just like that: He doesn't want to worry people, so he puts on an act and pretends everything is fine. I know it isn't though. His mother died in cancer about a year ago, his dad entered a depression and my friend, as a young adult, had to start provide not only for his father who was too depressed to work, but also for his nephew (roughly the same age as him) and cousin who are living under the same roof.
And from there, it just got worse.
I fear that friend of mine has already reached his breaking point. I'm seriously concerned that he might try to do something stupid, although he has assured me that he won't... but it's not like I could know if someone is telling the truth just from reading a PM they sent me online.
At any rate, where am I going with this? I'm not entirely sure myself, but this friend of mine is not the only person I know who's close to, or has already, snapped. I've learned a lot from this, and my previous experiences in life.
You need to vent, obviously. Very few people, if any, can carry all their hardships alone. But at the same time, it is equally harmful to "overdo it" when you vent, like with those people I encountered in my early teens. They put on an act because they wanted attention, and I mean... who doesn't?
I certainly want people to acknowledge me, but I want them to do so because I am me. The happy me. I was afraid I'd go down the same path as those I had previously tried to help, and I have to admit I have a pretty strong "need to feel needed", and have my friends occasionally show that I still mean something to them. And that's pretty much what you get when you're venting and/or showing that you're sad, isn't it? The people who care will be there for you, and since I'm a paranoid bastard I've seldom opened up to people since I've feared they'd think I was only playing the "pity-card".
Now, though, I've seen what happens if you just keep everything in, too. And I realize venting is important, and can be done while still maintaining balance emotionally. I realized this about a year ago. Before that, at heart, I more or less constantly felt like shit even though I never let it show, but since then I've started feeling better and better. These days I'm generally happy (although I currently go through a somewhat rough time) as long as I maintain good contact and a healthy relationship to those I care about, because, those people are the only thing that truly matters to me in the end.
Staying in touch is a problem though, because I'm pretty selective with friends, and those whom I have have decided to count as such all live very far away; either abroad, or if they live in Sweden it's one of those "so close, but yet so far away" kind of things. That can be extremely depressing, because I care a lot about all of them, heck I love them even, and would ideally want to stay in touch with them every day. I don't really care for the "aqcuaintances" I got living nearby either, so it can get pretty lonely at times... but luckily I'm a bit of an introvert, so never being allowed to be alone would have been even worse than this current state. I feel I get enough socializing in school, when I get home I only want to spend time with someone who I don't necessarily have to "do" much of anything with, in order to have a good time.
I've lost myself completely in my rant now though, and this steered far from what I intended this blog entry to be about, but yeah... I'm in a strange mood so maybe I had to get this off my chest. I'll try to be a bit more entertaining next time, but thanks for reading...
Thought of the day: False tears bring pain to those around you. A false smile brings pain to oneself.
I'd just like to say that it's nice to be back on TMF. I've really missed you guys, and it hasn't been the same just lurking in the background. I feel I don't know most of you as well as I'd like to though, which really saddens me, but at least I've gotten to know at least some of all the wonderful people around here!
I didn't expect to make a single friend when I started posting on TMF, but it merely took an hour or two after I made my first post before I was contacted by a person who I now regard as one of my only true friends in this world. Sanna, you're the pinnacle of Awesome, just so you know. I really miss our Skype-marathons, but I guess it's not as easy now when school has started again for both of us, and you have a job on top of that...
Also Skippy, or should I say... Crazy Ferret Lady... haha. It's been a great help talking to you when I wasn't feeling too cherful. Kept me from feeling completely abandoned like I usually do at times like that.
Damn, I'm in a strange mood right now... I promise it'll be better once I've had some sleep though - whenever that will be. XD
It's a bit interesting... I've had a lot of encounters with people feeling down recently. In fact, I often encounter that, but recently it's been happening a lot more than usual. It got me thinking...
I saw it for the first time when I was 8 or 9 I think, and that's when I realized people could feel bad for prolonged periods of time. Up untill then I had always regarded such feelings as something temporary that would pass after a good nights sleep.
At that time, the people I encountered were still too young to know how to handle their feelings; so they'd get violent, take it out on others, and all sorts of things.
Ah the innosence of youth.
As I hit my early teens, I mostly just encountered people who pretended to feel bad, in order to get attention. I really felt sorry for them, and still do. One guy cut his wrists just to get my attention, and then he'd just try to make me stick around to see how he was doing, rather than actually let me help him. He didn't want that, he probably feared that I'd go away once the problem was solved. Of course, I would still have been there for him, but he wasn't prepared to "gamble" to find that out.
Obviously, this guy, and all the others... they weren't just pretending, they DID feel bad, but it was because they felt shunned, and they put on an act because of it.
Now in recent days however, I notice people do NOT want to talk about their problems. At all. Or well, most people don't. I've seen too many cases of people carrying everything inside of themselves, and they all eventually break.
One of my best friends, a fellow who lives in the US, is just like that: He doesn't want to worry people, so he puts on an act and pretends everything is fine. I know it isn't though. His mother died in cancer about a year ago, his dad entered a depression and my friend, as a young adult, had to start provide not only for his father who was too depressed to work, but also for his nephew (roughly the same age as him) and cousin who are living under the same roof.
And from there, it just got worse.
I fear that friend of mine has already reached his breaking point. I'm seriously concerned that he might try to do something stupid, although he has assured me that he won't... but it's not like I could know if someone is telling the truth just from reading a PM they sent me online.
At any rate, where am I going with this? I'm not entirely sure myself, but this friend of mine is not the only person I know who's close to, or has already, snapped. I've learned a lot from this, and my previous experiences in life.
You need to vent, obviously. Very few people, if any, can carry all their hardships alone. But at the same time, it is equally harmful to "overdo it" when you vent, like with those people I encountered in my early teens. They put on an act because they wanted attention, and I mean... who doesn't?
I certainly want people to acknowledge me, but I want them to do so because I am me. The happy me. I was afraid I'd go down the same path as those I had previously tried to help, and I have to admit I have a pretty strong "need to feel needed", and have my friends occasionally show that I still mean something to them. And that's pretty much what you get when you're venting and/or showing that you're sad, isn't it? The people who care will be there for you, and since I'm a paranoid bastard I've seldom opened up to people since I've feared they'd think I was only playing the "pity-card".
Now, though, I've seen what happens if you just keep everything in, too. And I realize venting is important, and can be done while still maintaining balance emotionally. I realized this about a year ago. Before that, at heart, I more or less constantly felt like shit even though I never let it show, but since then I've started feeling better and better. These days I'm generally happy (although I currently go through a somewhat rough time) as long as I maintain good contact and a healthy relationship to those I care about, because, those people are the only thing that truly matters to me in the end.
Staying in touch is a problem though, because I'm pretty selective with friends, and those whom I have have decided to count as such all live very far away; either abroad, or if they live in Sweden it's one of those "so close, but yet so far away" kind of things. That can be extremely depressing, because I care a lot about all of them, heck I love them even, and would ideally want to stay in touch with them every day. I don't really care for the "aqcuaintances" I got living nearby either, so it can get pretty lonely at times... but luckily I'm a bit of an introvert, so never being allowed to be alone would have been even worse than this current state. I feel I get enough socializing in school, when I get home I only want to spend time with someone who I don't necessarily have to "do" much of anything with, in order to have a good time.
I've lost myself completely in my rant now though, and this steered far from what I intended this blog entry to be about, but yeah... I'm in a strange mood so maybe I had to get this off my chest. I'll try to be a bit more entertaining next time, but thanks for reading...
Thought of the day: False tears bring pain to those around you. A false smile brings pain to oneself.
