On the outside looking in...

I started thinking about this last night, which didn't help since I had to get up at 5a.

Now I haven't been slighted by anyone or been made to feel this way by anyone, but it's a feeling I've felt before. Anyone who has felt that way can understand what I mean. Others not so much because they don't understand what it means or maybe even they've never felt that way before.

There's been times in my life where I felt like I was 'on the outside looking in'. I guess a way to explain it, at least for me, it's like being outside a house, looking through the window and seeing a party with everyone there. Only you weren't invited. It's a sucky feeling. 🙁

It's a feeling that I've felt sometimes when I was in school. I wasn't much for social functions because I have such a hard time with people I don't know well. I'm the one who stands by the wall, watching people. Not that I mind.

I've even felt this way on TMF. I repeat, it's not because someone made me feel this way. It stems from an insecurity that I have sometimes. I have a difficult time being able to approach new people. Some people have an easier time going up to someone and striking a conversation with them.

Me, I start psyching myself out. Especially when I'm about to talk to someone I've never talked to before. Thoughts like these - 'What can I say that won't sound stupid? Will I say something stupid? Don't say anything stupid. Crap, I said something stupid!' - race through my head.

However after I start talking to someone, it gets easier and I start opening up. Once that happens, I act more like myself, silly, serious, whatever.

Sometimes I wish it wasn't so difficult for me to approach people, but I'm working on it. Trying to, anyways. 😀