A vent best posted in the blog..
So.. in .,less then four months.. I've made.. major strides.. I have.. a professional license.. a position with a major company.. a more.. regular work agenda.. and I'm working toward making myself a better person,. even physically.. by going to the gym.
So.. why do I feel. so empty.
My father really makes me want to scream.
All I want to talk about when I'm with him.. is work.. for this reason.
He has every justification for everyone in his family.. who I despise. and who has treated me like dirt and subhuman.
When I saw him on Wednesday night, he was making every excuse for everyone in his family.
He says "I had the "blowup" with Ira" (My uncle in Las Vegas, who I despise more than anyone in the world, who told me to be on "SSD for the rest of my life", and never said a kind word to me when I passed my exam.)
"I didn't have a "Blowup" with Ira, my disturbed father who never wants to face up to anything, about people whom he feels have no requirements to be human. Ira is evil, wished me the worst, and has never rectified himself. I wiped Ira's slate clean, after being estranged from him for 25 years, because he was party to my parents divorce, and my estrangement from my father.
My father says "The cousins always ask about you".
Like that means anything to me.
"The cousins who attacked my mom 24 hours after my mom's funeral, and who never contacted me once in the two years since my mom died".
My favorite one is my father's "Criticisms" of me.
I should..
"Make more friends"
"Start dating women".
Isn;t it.. my business when I expand my social life.
I'm very ambivalent.
A couple of more social contacts would be nice.. but as for a woman..,
Many things to think about..
I'm 44. I don't have a "Real job" or "Steady income" yet.
While it might be nice to have someone to care about me.. I also don't want the whole idea of someone else to criticize me.. or to fight with.
When I told my aunt.
"I don't want to find anyone until I would be in the financial position to estrange from my father"
Her reply..
"That will take a long time".
I'm not planning to estrange from him. I just know now, that things will always be this way with him, a constant battle, with him always justifying people who treat me inhumanly, who I despise.
Then there's the whole aspect my father doesn't know about.. never has. and never will.
What will this hypothetical vanilla "Girl's" reaction be when, after we get to know each other.
"May I play with your feet" "May I tickle you", oh and by the way.. "Would you mind very much standing barefoot on that ladder for me".
Bottom line:
My mom is the only one who really knew me.. really cared about me, and really understood me.
I could talk to her about anything. She was completely cool when I told her about the fake cop situation that happened on here years ago, where I thought I was in trouble with the law. She was completely non judgemental about my belonging to this site.
I'm never going to tell my father, but if I did.. his mantra would be
"Go to a shrink to deal with that sick foot and tickling fetish you have, most girls wont want to deal with that."
Like HE'S so normal, being best friends with everyone who hates his son.
My mom always ripped into people who treated me like shit, both my father's family, and her own.
My mom used to kid me about my foot fetish. One time, when I was about, seven or eight,. I had asked a friend of hers, a hot airline stewardess, to smell the friend's feet, when my parents weren't around. The friend let me do it, but told my parents. All my mom said, a few years ago. was "Donna was uncomfortable when you asked her to smell her feet".
The rest of the people I deal with now, the relatives, all think about themselves, and others, first, foremost, and always, while calling in for a minute to check on Mitch.
My mom would never have been best friends with.. or even talked to.. a sibling.. who treated me the way my uncle has. She would have told her brother to go fuck himself. My father.. loves him,,. probably more then he loves me, and has every excuse in the world for his miserable human being brother. He always has, and always will.
I'm certainly "better" then I was when my mom first passed away, but.. when I look at how all my other relatives treat me, between my aunts self obessesiveness, and my father';s justification of everyone who treats me like shit,. it's very clear that my biggest advocate.,. the only person I felt really loved me, is gone.
My favorite one is when my father says.
"It's been two years since she died, you should be "over it".
HE can hold grudges against whoever he wants to, forever, but I should be "Over" the death of the person I loved most in the world, who was the only person who truly loved me.
I will never "Get over it", you controlling SOB. I just have to learn to live with it, and the pain, every day of my life.
I don't know what would solve this. I just want to catch a few breaks with work, so I can be free of him. After that I have some serious thinking to do, about just what happens next. Part of me would like companionship, and a partner, but part of me doesn't know if I'm ready to deal with all the complexities that go along with such a relationship.
So.. in .,less then four months.. I've made.. major strides.. I have.. a professional license.. a position with a major company.. a more.. regular work agenda.. and I'm working toward making myself a better person,. even physically.. by going to the gym.
So.. why do I feel. so empty.
My father really makes me want to scream.
All I want to talk about when I'm with him.. is work.. for this reason.
He has every justification for everyone in his family.. who I despise. and who has treated me like dirt and subhuman.
When I saw him on Wednesday night, he was making every excuse for everyone in his family.
He says "I had the "blowup" with Ira" (My uncle in Las Vegas, who I despise more than anyone in the world, who told me to be on "SSD for the rest of my life", and never said a kind word to me when I passed my exam.)
"I didn't have a "Blowup" with Ira, my disturbed father who never wants to face up to anything, about people whom he feels have no requirements to be human. Ira is evil, wished me the worst, and has never rectified himself. I wiped Ira's slate clean, after being estranged from him for 25 years, because he was party to my parents divorce, and my estrangement from my father.
My father says "The cousins always ask about you".
Like that means anything to me.
"The cousins who attacked my mom 24 hours after my mom's funeral, and who never contacted me once in the two years since my mom died".
My favorite one is my father's "Criticisms" of me.
I should..
"Make more friends"
"Start dating women".
Isn;t it.. my business when I expand my social life.
I'm very ambivalent.
A couple of more social contacts would be nice.. but as for a woman..,
Many things to think about..
I'm 44. I don't have a "Real job" or "Steady income" yet.
While it might be nice to have someone to care about me.. I also don't want the whole idea of someone else to criticize me.. or to fight with.
When I told my aunt.
"I don't want to find anyone until I would be in the financial position to estrange from my father"
Her reply..
"That will take a long time".
I'm not planning to estrange from him. I just know now, that things will always be this way with him, a constant battle, with him always justifying people who treat me inhumanly, who I despise.
Then there's the whole aspect my father doesn't know about.. never has. and never will.
What will this hypothetical vanilla "Girl's" reaction be when, after we get to know each other.
"May I play with your feet" "May I tickle you", oh and by the way.. "Would you mind very much standing barefoot on that ladder for me".
Bottom line:
My mom is the only one who really knew me.. really cared about me, and really understood me.
I could talk to her about anything. She was completely cool when I told her about the fake cop situation that happened on here years ago, where I thought I was in trouble with the law. She was completely non judgemental about my belonging to this site.
I'm never going to tell my father, but if I did.. his mantra would be
"Go to a shrink to deal with that sick foot and tickling fetish you have, most girls wont want to deal with that."
Like HE'S so normal, being best friends with everyone who hates his son.
My mom always ripped into people who treated me like shit, both my father's family, and her own.
My mom used to kid me about my foot fetish. One time, when I was about, seven or eight,. I had asked a friend of hers, a hot airline stewardess, to smell the friend's feet, when my parents weren't around. The friend let me do it, but told my parents. All my mom said, a few years ago. was "Donna was uncomfortable when you asked her to smell her feet".
The rest of the people I deal with now, the relatives, all think about themselves, and others, first, foremost, and always, while calling in for a minute to check on Mitch.
My mom would never have been best friends with.. or even talked to.. a sibling.. who treated me the way my uncle has. She would have told her brother to go fuck himself. My father.. loves him,,. probably more then he loves me, and has every excuse in the world for his miserable human being brother. He always has, and always will.
I'm certainly "better" then I was when my mom first passed away, but.. when I look at how all my other relatives treat me, between my aunts self obessesiveness, and my father';s justification of everyone who treats me like shit,. it's very clear that my biggest advocate.,. the only person I felt really loved me, is gone.
My favorite one is when my father says.
"It's been two years since she died, you should be "over it".
HE can hold grudges against whoever he wants to, forever, but I should be "Over" the death of the person I loved most in the world, who was the only person who truly loved me.
I will never "Get over it", you controlling SOB. I just have to learn to live with it, and the pain, every day of my life.
I don't know what would solve this. I just want to catch a few breaks with work, so I can be free of him. After that I have some serious thinking to do, about just what happens next. Part of me would like companionship, and a partner, but part of me doesn't know if I'm ready to deal with all the complexities that go along with such a relationship.
