Best posted here, and.. admission time..
Everyone knows how much I adored my mom, how I miss her every day.. but..
The bottom line.. and its bothering me something awful, even though she's gone, and she told me she forgave me.
I was a dick to her while we were in NJ last summer.
She was sick, getting treatment, and often short tempered. I was couped up in a hotel room with my cancer ridden mother in her 70s, with no internet access, her having the lights and TV on all night, when I'm used to sleeping in the dark, away from baseball, and my friends. I often bitched and complained, and moaned about when we were going home, as the stay got longer and longer.
She wanted to send me home. At one point, the chemo Dr got on me, and told me he was going to tell her to send me home if I didnt stop. She at one point said to me, and it still gives me the creeps. "If you dont stop bitching, I'm going to die"
I know I didnt cause her death.. but..
When my dad keeps saying I went over and above for her, I know hes trying to be supportive, but.. he wasnt there. He and I werent even speaking then. He doesnt know.
I apologized to my mom numerous times before she died, and she said she forgave me.
My aunt the artist knows how I behaved. My mom used to tell her. My aunt just told me tonight that she doesnt blame me for how I was then.
Now, my mom is gone.. I've moved, and each day seems better then the next. I've had a few bumps in the road.. but.. I'm feeling better here than I have in 3 years.
I'm doing what adult children do when their parents die. I'm going on with my life, selling and figuring out my mom's possesions,.. but..
I feel like I dont deserve this, even though its nice to have a good cycle after all the years of unhappiness and suffering, and my family tells me that my mom would want me to do what I'm doing.
So why do I feel so damn bad? I was there until my mom took her last breath. I kissed her goodbye after she died. I cried hysterically over her grave. I mourned her, cleaned her things.. but..
I'm racked with saddness, sorrow, and guilt, even though I probably shouldnt be.
My dad says "I went over and above" but he really doesnt know.
All I can say is.. I'm sorry. I hope my mom knows how I loved her, in spite of this.. and one day, if I see her in Heaven, I hope she can and will forgive me.
Everyone knows how much I adored my mom, how I miss her every day.. but..
The bottom line.. and its bothering me something awful, even though she's gone, and she told me she forgave me.
I was a dick to her while we were in NJ last summer.
She was sick, getting treatment, and often short tempered. I was couped up in a hotel room with my cancer ridden mother in her 70s, with no internet access, her having the lights and TV on all night, when I'm used to sleeping in the dark, away from baseball, and my friends. I often bitched and complained, and moaned about when we were going home, as the stay got longer and longer.
She wanted to send me home. At one point, the chemo Dr got on me, and told me he was going to tell her to send me home if I didnt stop. She at one point said to me, and it still gives me the creeps. "If you dont stop bitching, I'm going to die"
I know I didnt cause her death.. but..
When my dad keeps saying I went over and above for her, I know hes trying to be supportive, but.. he wasnt there. He and I werent even speaking then. He doesnt know.
I apologized to my mom numerous times before she died, and she said she forgave me.
My aunt the artist knows how I behaved. My mom used to tell her. My aunt just told me tonight that she doesnt blame me for how I was then.
Now, my mom is gone.. I've moved, and each day seems better then the next. I've had a few bumps in the road.. but.. I'm feeling better here than I have in 3 years.
I'm doing what adult children do when their parents die. I'm going on with my life, selling and figuring out my mom's possesions,.. but..
I feel like I dont deserve this, even though its nice to have a good cycle after all the years of unhappiness and suffering, and my family tells me that my mom would want me to do what I'm doing.
So why do I feel so damn bad? I was there until my mom took her last breath. I kissed her goodbye after she died. I cried hysterically over her grave. I mourned her, cleaned her things.. but..
I'm racked with saddness, sorrow, and guilt, even though I probably shouldnt be.
My dad says "I went over and above" but he really doesnt know.
All I can say is.. I'm sorry. I hope my mom knows how I loved her, in spite of this.. and one day, if I see her in Heaven, I hope she can and will forgive me.
