I went to Passover at my father's last night.
It surprised me a bit that Cheryl didn't get on me about my situation with work. My father';s son in law wasn't particularly nice.. probing about "How many clients I have now". This is a guy.. who runs.. fitness centers, and probably doesn't know a damn thing about insurance.. the scope of it.. or the difficulties and rejections one faces. I had thought that maybe I could get him as a client.. as he's a small business owner.. but after last night.. I don't see it happening.
I look at my father's life.. and I really don't see why he bitches and complains about my mom. He has a wife.. children.. grandchildren who call him "Grandpa". (Not his real ones, but nonetheless). He has money, world trips, and the "Complete life" I heard him bitching that he wanted for 20 years.
I guess it really gnaws at me.. how.. he carries on about my mom, who suffered and died of the worst disease, and cant hurt him anymore. and has every justification for everyone who has treated me so badly in his family, after I was so gracious to them, and never said a word about what happened in the past. His brother, and his cousins, have been positively ruthless to me, at the worst time of my life. I never heard him express, anger, disappointment, sadness, etc, about just how badly these people have treated me.
I don't have a quick way out of this either. Between the extreme difficulties of getting clients in the insurance business.. and the terrible constraints Aflac puts on me with their rules and regulations of who I can and cant have as a client.. it is going to take a long.. long time,.,. if ever.. before I'm free of my father. Until then.. he can treat me any which way he wants. As he said to me last night. "I'll let you know when you're fucking up". As if he was talking to a teenage criminal who he was reprimanding.
My maternal aunts are horrible also. After my awful dinner with my father on Friday night, I had called my aunt the artist.. to tell her my terrible feelings about how my father went on about my mom. On Saturday, I thought I ironed that particular problem out with him, for the time being. My aunt started lecturing me, and going off about "How she's heard about my father for years, and its too much". She had lied to me that I could call her to discuss a specific current incident that bothered me, if he did something to upset me on a specific day etc, and then she went on about how "She heard about him for years from my mom". This, from someone, who goes, on, and on, and on, about her husband. I hung up on her, and plan to take a hiatus from her. I don't delude myself to believe that she cares.
This whole situation has me very depressed, because there is no quick way out.. "A job" would not pay me enough to be free of my father.
He used one of my favorite expressions last night.. (I'm being sarcastic) Telling the other members of his family how I've "Earned the right" to give the insurance thing a shot. I have to laugh about his definition of who has, and hasn't "Earned the right" to do something. I don't delude myself to believe that he cares if I'm a successful insurance agent, at a minimum wage job that makes me miserable.. on welfare.. or even.. dead.
He keeps encouraging me to find a woman. That is the last thing I need right now.. Someone else to complicate my life, as I'm trying to figure things out.. or to tell me how much I suck.
I'm going to keep plugging away at my work, and trying to get clients.. but I'll be shocked if anything good develops quickly. Such doesn't happen for me.
It surprised me a bit that Cheryl didn't get on me about my situation with work. My father';s son in law wasn't particularly nice.. probing about "How many clients I have now". This is a guy.. who runs.. fitness centers, and probably doesn't know a damn thing about insurance.. the scope of it.. or the difficulties and rejections one faces. I had thought that maybe I could get him as a client.. as he's a small business owner.. but after last night.. I don't see it happening.
I look at my father's life.. and I really don't see why he bitches and complains about my mom. He has a wife.. children.. grandchildren who call him "Grandpa". (Not his real ones, but nonetheless). He has money, world trips, and the "Complete life" I heard him bitching that he wanted for 20 years.
I guess it really gnaws at me.. how.. he carries on about my mom, who suffered and died of the worst disease, and cant hurt him anymore. and has every justification for everyone who has treated me so badly in his family, after I was so gracious to them, and never said a word about what happened in the past. His brother, and his cousins, have been positively ruthless to me, at the worst time of my life. I never heard him express, anger, disappointment, sadness, etc, about just how badly these people have treated me.
I don't have a quick way out of this either. Between the extreme difficulties of getting clients in the insurance business.. and the terrible constraints Aflac puts on me with their rules and regulations of who I can and cant have as a client.. it is going to take a long.. long time,.,. if ever.. before I'm free of my father. Until then.. he can treat me any which way he wants. As he said to me last night. "I'll let you know when you're fucking up". As if he was talking to a teenage criminal who he was reprimanding.
My maternal aunts are horrible also. After my awful dinner with my father on Friday night, I had called my aunt the artist.. to tell her my terrible feelings about how my father went on about my mom. On Saturday, I thought I ironed that particular problem out with him, for the time being. My aunt started lecturing me, and going off about "How she's heard about my father for years, and its too much". She had lied to me that I could call her to discuss a specific current incident that bothered me, if he did something to upset me on a specific day etc, and then she went on about how "She heard about him for years from my mom". This, from someone, who goes, on, and on, and on, about her husband. I hung up on her, and plan to take a hiatus from her. I don't delude myself to believe that she cares.
This whole situation has me very depressed, because there is no quick way out.. "A job" would not pay me enough to be free of my father.
He used one of my favorite expressions last night.. (I'm being sarcastic) Telling the other members of his family how I've "Earned the right" to give the insurance thing a shot. I have to laugh about his definition of who has, and hasn't "Earned the right" to do something. I don't delude myself to believe that he cares if I'm a successful insurance agent, at a minimum wage job that makes me miserable.. on welfare.. or even.. dead.
He keeps encouraging me to find a woman. That is the last thing I need right now.. Someone else to complicate my life, as I'm trying to figure things out.. or to tell me how much I suck.
I'm going to keep plugging away at my work, and trying to get clients.. but I'll be shocked if anything good develops quickly. Such doesn't happen for me.
