How did your fetish begin?
I remember when Lady Gaga (not a fan - not because of her, I just dont like pop music...at all) had released Born This Way, the chant started again about people being predetermined as far as their sexuality goes. I've never believed thats true and research thats been done agrees ( https://www.harvardmagazine.com/2019/08/there-s-still-no-gay-gene ) - don't flip out. I'm not suggesting anyone wakes up one day and 'decides' their sexuality. What has proven to be true with most anything, is that its both nature and nurture. So how does it happen? I certainly don't have an answer I can stick in a test tube but I do like thinking about these things. Historians don't seem to agree where 'Know Thyself' came from but its still very valid, whoever first uttered it.
The more I talk to people in 'the community' (i also stick the markers around it because it only really defines people who are vocal in it, but on the other hand shouldn't it mean everyone who has an interest in this? I've no idea) the more surprised I become. I always was under the impression that like myself, this was something we all 'knew' we had as a child. I say 'had' like its a disease lol...it isnt meant that way. Theres a picture of me walking up as a toddler to tickle my mothers feet while she was laying outside. I often wonder if someone happened to catch me in the very moment my fetish sparked, as odd as that may be. I'm no Freudian but that doesn't mean he was wrong about everything he ever thought or wrote either.
I remember being fascinated by feet and to this day I've no clue why. Bondage was alllllways there that I can recall. Something that seemed intensely exciting and fun was connected to it. I don't recall arousal from it, just that sense of those sorts of 'games' being so much fun that you wanted to keep playing them.
The bad parts about coming to light with it while growing up, is you're so innocent as a kid that you dont know to hide it, but you end up learning the hard way. I was pretty young and I wrote short stories involving all of these things. I sort of wish I still had them, just because. Well my grandmother and mother found the notebook. Great. I could hear them as they flipped through the short stories, clearly concerned. There was my initial shame, but on some level I mustve known it was 'weird', or I wouldn't have hidden it, right?
I also remember being fascinated by a movie cover every time I'd go to a video rental store (Gen z yes...we used to go rent movies - and yes I'm teasing) where a girl was bound and gagged with her feet sticking out of the covers (image attached). My head swam in fantasy with that one. Its from the 70s and I can only imagine it was part of the 'sexploitation' movement. I do wonder if that cover was made for that purpose. Maybe. I do know the millennials are the group who cites the infamous Ninja Turtle scene as what sparked their interest more than anyone (or at least thats been my experience while talking to others about this).
Growing more the shame didn't stop, I'm sure I'm not alone in this? Went from parents to then girlfriends. THAT sucks. Its hard enough to meet someone you gel with, but then toss a fetish into it, and worse, this was pre-internet when fetishes were really deemed strange. It isn't like now at all, where you instantly find others who share your interest, whatever that interest is. Gen X and older (I'm an X) didn't have that luxury at all. So here you were with this thing you had to have, crawling around inside you and praying to God when you found someone you liked and the relationship was hitting on cylinders, that when you dropped the fetish bomb on them they didn't turn tail and run or worse, out you to people at school or whatever other social circles you were around. Ugh. Did it happen? Yup.
So there we are rejected by parents and girls with it. Awesome!
My mother knew by then (I was probably 19 or 20) that I had an issue with depression and sent me to a psychologist. I've always had my own interest as to why people think the way they do, and I wanted to figure myself out and why I like the things I like. So after a couple visits to this guy, I brought up my own fantasies and such, barely pulling the curtain back. He jumped on it for that session and the next one, trying to get me to 'just get rid of that' because 'no girl wants that sort of thing'. Yup. Licensed and degreed psychologist. Believe that?
Now add a mental health professional to the mix of rejects.
This isn't me bitching, just describing my own journey with it. I can't possibly be alone with this stuff?
Heres the real kick in the nads: I finally meet someone, everything is great. We have the 'so what are you into' talk, and it went well. Said she was intrigued and was into it. Cool. We play while dating, things are good. Eventually we wed. Annnnnd the classic change. Ring on, everything else off. Usually its guys bitching about sex or blowjobs that disappear upon being wed. No, all of that stayed in place, it was any fetish activity that slowly ground to a halt.
First it went from disinterest, to slowly shaming. Shaming to the point she outwardly said, 'Hey look I'm selfish in the bedroom'. Great.
Look I'm all about tit-for-tat one hand washes the other but wtf.
You fall in love with the person, not the fetish. I completely understand that, but everyone has to understand that sexuality is a powerful thing in ones life. If this is something you feel you have to have, the denial of it is going to leave one party in an extremely uncomfortable position, where you'll go live that secret fantasy life that you're being forced to internalize, and it sucks.
The shaming was the worst part of it all. You find someone you love and even they turn out to reject your very personal desires.
Parents, girls, a psychologist, and then wife. About as shitty as you can get right?
The real kicker? I'm practically asexual. I just never have had this deep desire to have sex. Tickling and bondage are simply 'fun'. I don't have a better way of putting it. I dated a girl who was the same way. I'd tie her up for hours on end, both of us playing most of the day - even staged an entire kidnapping once, as it was one of her fantasies and I was all too happy to play along, having had the same fantasy to live out. That night didn't end with intercourse either, neither of us cared about that.
If I had to guess I think this is what makes up that part of me; my mother was young when she had me and still wanted to live her life. I'm not saying she abandoned me but she was gone very often whether it was work, or on vacations with friends our out with friends, she wasn't there. Little boys want their mothers, and are always trying to strive for acceptance from them. Think of the boy running up to his mom to show her something, whether its a project he did or to flex his developing arm to show how strong he is (or whatever that symbolizes). I feel that its likely that my desire to bind a woman is the symbol of 'keeping' her there, and the tickling is simply the want to make her 'happy'. I'm a 'loving' dom, as the term used to be - I have no idea if thats changed and its something else now. The idea of actually hurting a woman repulses me, I just don't have that part of sadism within. When I collab with Skullcandy Bri its difficult. Not the kidnapping scenes, thats the fun and easy part for me. But when it comes to the scenes where she wants me to do mean shit, Im cringing off camera. To be fair she says that if I don't want to I don't have to, and I know that but I'm also a people pleaser. I want her to get good material for her own site(s) and so I push myself to do what shes asking. I know one scene I tried to do (she threw it away LOL) where I had her in my Tickled in Steel setup for a 'torture' scene of sorts where I was to slap her, spit in her mouth, and gag her from there. The spit I tried to do was pathetic and we laughed about it when we watched it afterward. I looked like mama bird feeding baby bird. I just couldn't do it. I still feel kinda crappy I couldn't get her the scene she wanted, oh well.
Anyway. Those are my own thoughts on my own development. I could be completely off but thats the closest hypothesis I've come up with for me, at least. If you want to talk about such things by all means DM me, I find all of this fascinating. Thanks for reading 🙂
The more I talk to people in 'the community' (i also stick the markers around it because it only really defines people who are vocal in it, but on the other hand shouldn't it mean everyone who has an interest in this? I've no idea) the more surprised I become. I always was under the impression that like myself, this was something we all 'knew' we had as a child. I say 'had' like its a disease lol...it isnt meant that way. Theres a picture of me walking up as a toddler to tickle my mothers feet while she was laying outside. I often wonder if someone happened to catch me in the very moment my fetish sparked, as odd as that may be. I'm no Freudian but that doesn't mean he was wrong about everything he ever thought or wrote either.
I remember being fascinated by feet and to this day I've no clue why. Bondage was alllllways there that I can recall. Something that seemed intensely exciting and fun was connected to it. I don't recall arousal from it, just that sense of those sorts of 'games' being so much fun that you wanted to keep playing them.
The bad parts about coming to light with it while growing up, is you're so innocent as a kid that you dont know to hide it, but you end up learning the hard way. I was pretty young and I wrote short stories involving all of these things. I sort of wish I still had them, just because. Well my grandmother and mother found the notebook. Great. I could hear them as they flipped through the short stories, clearly concerned. There was my initial shame, but on some level I mustve known it was 'weird', or I wouldn't have hidden it, right?
I also remember being fascinated by a movie cover every time I'd go to a video rental store (Gen z yes...we used to go rent movies - and yes I'm teasing) where a girl was bound and gagged with her feet sticking out of the covers (image attached). My head swam in fantasy with that one. Its from the 70s and I can only imagine it was part of the 'sexploitation' movement. I do wonder if that cover was made for that purpose. Maybe. I do know the millennials are the group who cites the infamous Ninja Turtle scene as what sparked their interest more than anyone (or at least thats been my experience while talking to others about this).
Growing more the shame didn't stop, I'm sure I'm not alone in this? Went from parents to then girlfriends. THAT sucks. Its hard enough to meet someone you gel with, but then toss a fetish into it, and worse, this was pre-internet when fetishes were really deemed strange. It isn't like now at all, where you instantly find others who share your interest, whatever that interest is. Gen X and older (I'm an X) didn't have that luxury at all. So here you were with this thing you had to have, crawling around inside you and praying to God when you found someone you liked and the relationship was hitting on cylinders, that when you dropped the fetish bomb on them they didn't turn tail and run or worse, out you to people at school or whatever other social circles you were around. Ugh. Did it happen? Yup.
So there we are rejected by parents and girls with it. Awesome!
My mother knew by then (I was probably 19 or 20) that I had an issue with depression and sent me to a psychologist. I've always had my own interest as to why people think the way they do, and I wanted to figure myself out and why I like the things I like. So after a couple visits to this guy, I brought up my own fantasies and such, barely pulling the curtain back. He jumped on it for that session and the next one, trying to get me to 'just get rid of that' because 'no girl wants that sort of thing'. Yup. Licensed and degreed psychologist. Believe that?
Now add a mental health professional to the mix of rejects.
This isn't me bitching, just describing my own journey with it. I can't possibly be alone with this stuff?
Heres the real kick in the nads: I finally meet someone, everything is great. We have the 'so what are you into' talk, and it went well. Said she was intrigued and was into it. Cool. We play while dating, things are good. Eventually we wed. Annnnnd the classic change. Ring on, everything else off. Usually its guys bitching about sex or blowjobs that disappear upon being wed. No, all of that stayed in place, it was any fetish activity that slowly ground to a halt.
First it went from disinterest, to slowly shaming. Shaming to the point she outwardly said, 'Hey look I'm selfish in the bedroom'. Great.
Look I'm all about tit-for-tat one hand washes the other but wtf.
You fall in love with the person, not the fetish. I completely understand that, but everyone has to understand that sexuality is a powerful thing in ones life. If this is something you feel you have to have, the denial of it is going to leave one party in an extremely uncomfortable position, where you'll go live that secret fantasy life that you're being forced to internalize, and it sucks.
The shaming was the worst part of it all. You find someone you love and even they turn out to reject your very personal desires.
Parents, girls, a psychologist, and then wife. About as shitty as you can get right?
The real kicker? I'm practically asexual. I just never have had this deep desire to have sex. Tickling and bondage are simply 'fun'. I don't have a better way of putting it. I dated a girl who was the same way. I'd tie her up for hours on end, both of us playing most of the day - even staged an entire kidnapping once, as it was one of her fantasies and I was all too happy to play along, having had the same fantasy to live out. That night didn't end with intercourse either, neither of us cared about that.
If I had to guess I think this is what makes up that part of me; my mother was young when she had me and still wanted to live her life. I'm not saying she abandoned me but she was gone very often whether it was work, or on vacations with friends our out with friends, she wasn't there. Little boys want their mothers, and are always trying to strive for acceptance from them. Think of the boy running up to his mom to show her something, whether its a project he did or to flex his developing arm to show how strong he is (or whatever that symbolizes). I feel that its likely that my desire to bind a woman is the symbol of 'keeping' her there, and the tickling is simply the want to make her 'happy'. I'm a 'loving' dom, as the term used to be - I have no idea if thats changed and its something else now. The idea of actually hurting a woman repulses me, I just don't have that part of sadism within. When I collab with Skullcandy Bri its difficult. Not the kidnapping scenes, thats the fun and easy part for me. But when it comes to the scenes where she wants me to do mean shit, Im cringing off camera. To be fair she says that if I don't want to I don't have to, and I know that but I'm also a people pleaser. I want her to get good material for her own site(s) and so I push myself to do what shes asking. I know one scene I tried to do (she threw it away LOL) where I had her in my Tickled in Steel setup for a 'torture' scene of sorts where I was to slap her, spit in her mouth, and gag her from there. The spit I tried to do was pathetic and we laughed about it when we watched it afterward. I looked like mama bird feeding baby bird. I just couldn't do it. I still feel kinda crappy I couldn't get her the scene she wanted, oh well.
Anyway. Those are my own thoughts on my own development. I could be completely off but thats the closest hypothesis I've come up with for me, at least. If you want to talk about such things by all means DM me, I find all of this fascinating. Thanks for reading 🙂
- Next page: The setups
- Previous page: On the flipside of producing, is modeling...
