Now the hot button stuff
Why can't we just admit it?
Why can't we just admit it?
We won't give pause until the blood is flowin'
Neither the brave nor bold
Nor brightest of stories told
We won't give pause until the blood is flowin'
- Vicarious by Tool
Ah yes 'the dirt', the part that humans seem drawn to.
When I ask successful models and other producers about their own journeys, they laugh when they hear about some of the negativity I've experienced, having had been through their own in their time in their own career. Some rivalries are so intense that they can't be in the same room, others have had all out fistfights and been ejected from conventions, and yet others go about their day seeking any morsel they can to twist and bend to their own propaganda war against those they hate. In the end, my cohorts and associates smile and say, 'Well thats when you know you've made it, haters reflect your success'.
Fair enough I suppose. After all, I don't care who you are, you'll never have a 100% approval rating. Even George Bush Jr right after 9/11 was at an all time high for presidents regarding approval when he vowed to go after the terrorists who killed roughly 3000 citizens in a cowardly attack against America. Goes to show: you'll never make everyone happy, there's always going to be the angry 'yabbit' crowd.
So why the fuss? Well a few things. Initially some of 'the community' as its called, disliked my heavier approach, preferring the lighter bondage productions which is completely ok! Different strokes, after all. But I've been around this scene since the late 90s and have watched it change dramatically. There was a fellow named Kujman (invoking the name is akin to Candyman, he will show up at some point and go on a days long angry tirade of denial) who admittedly made solid content. But it was on the more severe side and for whatever reason the 'lighter' crowd wasn't tolerant of it and hounded him. The error he made, was he paid attention to it closely. I'll typically give a single reply if I happen to see something, but then leave it at that. If the internet has taught us anything it should be that an online argument is utterly pointless. Too much ego is involved and people can't admit they're wrong, much less apologize for an action - especially 'in public'. Kujman I suspect, has Borderline Personality Disorder. I can't prove it at a distance and behind a screen of course, but thats my suspicion. Anyway, what was really telling from the community back then was when he posted some material where a male was being tickled (I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure it was him, he had said) and people went apeshit offended. That.....was weird. But thats how it was overall. Hell its still that way, as I've gotten a few negative remarks toward my Vengeance series, but that segment seems to keep it to themselves, with a new loud and angry vocal group taking its place.
Where Kujman screwed up, was when he was straight up busted on an ollllllld forum where he was in a Renfaire group who were completely vanilla and only doing the hobby for the hobby itself. He was there posing as just another player, but for whatever reason a member found his account linked to a tickle fetish group ....where renfaire tickling material was at. Uh oh.
When called out, he went into one of his days long back and forth tirades. Look, he was wrong and its okay to be wrong (something honest people acknowledge, but not holier-than-thou types) but it got ugly and he ended up looking bad in the end. You can find that particular decades old drama here:
https://groups.google.com/g/alt.fairs.renaissance/c/hcV2lzj2stI/m/zENvmCP-_8cJ?pli=1
With the prior page I wrote in this blog, I talked about my personal beliefs in Christianity, something I don't shove on anyone and only ever brought it up publicly in reaction to why I got out of the biz for some personal reflection before continuing. People wondered why, and so I told them. I really don't tend to hide much; as I've said prior I do enjoy conversations with those able to hold them. Because of that and more likely the political opinions I may hold, the country has become so divisive here in the U.S. we go into attack mode as we instantly generalize someone - which is juvenile thinking to be honest. That sounds harsher than I mean for it to but its true. Reason being, you can hold belief 'x' and be in camp 'y' and be perfectly rational. Just because you think 'q' is true doesnt mean you are in the 'p' belief system (yes the letters are random here and mean nothing outside of showing a difference). I know of one model I consider a friend who is very pro abortion but yet during a shoot she made mention how conservative she is aside from that one issue. Her pro abortion stance she can vocalize, her conservatism she feels she can't. Which is a sad state of affairs to be honest. But, that was a huge reminder that we as people don't all jam into one box quite so easily, therefore shouldn't be judged as such.
Believe me, I'm well aware that those of my same metaphysics would recoil and condemn me shooting fetish material, assumptions already having been made. When I moved to the U.S. from Canada, I was quite anti-gun but I also didn't understand why the 2nd amendment exists, nor why anyone 'needed' to arm themselves. I was on a forum and was attacked nonstop by the pro gun crowd, who like anyone else passionate on a topic were unable to have a civil discussion on the topic. Its no different than anyone in the anti-gun crowd, or any other topic. You'll always meet those who are so entrenched in their thinking that they become outraged when challenged. Just is what it is I suppose, but it strikes me as immature - ergo I use juvenile above.
I think its so bad online because thats typically what we introduce first. Meaning, you join somewhere and start running your own news cycle on your socials, and people immediately judge you and praise/condemn you based on what you're putting out rather than getting to know you first and then learning more details later on. Think about it. When you meet someone in person you don't shake their hand and say, 'Hey Joe here good to meet you, I hate guns!' ....you'd get some weird looks. But thats more or less what we (I'm guilty of it also, I'm aware) do online. Then someone comes along, reads that and immediately dismisses you and in some cases even goes into attack mode - and the fight is on and the humanity behind the screen is discarded.
But I'm getting off topic slightly.
Before I shut down my initial X account I had about 12k followers I think and of the 12k I had a few stalkers, who thought they were 'outing me' (?) because they stalked what I hit the like button on, or I'm sure it showed them the remark/article I may had hit 'like' on. Ok and...? Simply ignore it? But no, the intolerant crowd couldn't and therefore that mental arrangement that generalizes us into boxes kicked in and I was deemed 'fatphobe transphobe bigot racist' lol...wow. Ok thats not excessive at all.
This happened after a negative interaction on Tumblr (right down there with Reddit - the bottom of the internet along with the 'chan' gang) where someone was acting stupidly and hit me in a wrong mood that day. We all have those things happen and its more honest to admit that than the holier-than-thou approach. What happened was this: I reached out to someone who was posting and complimented one of her pics being cute, and offered a modeling gig if she was interested. Rather than saying 'no thank you' or even simply ignoring it (happens all the time and its ok!) I was told I didn't have an age in my profile and was blocked. It wasn't being told no that was the problem, it was the ignorance toward common sense that rubbed me wrong. I screenshotted the interaction and responded publicly because....well that was ridiculous. As I said there, you 1) can lie and put any age in any profile...that means nothing which is why early on when I'm approached I always ask for a license to verify adulthood 2) cannot be a producer and be a minor and 3) please be patient when you're asking for a verification by me - I'm very busy and don't have the time to reply within ten minutes to a DM/email. I don't regret making the reply, what I do regret is having left the persons name rather than crossing it out. That was a knee jerk bit of stupidity on my end and I hate I didn't think it through. The odds of her seeing this are slim and I wish I had contact to apologize to her but I've no clue who it was now unfortunately. It wasn't meant as an attack on her personally, by any stretch. It was meant to address the silly assumption that I could possibly be a minor. I added it publicly hoping to hold it out there as a PSA to anyone who thought something similar in the future. Error on my part but there isn't much I can do about that now.
Days later I log on and oh boy, the place had exploded in self righteous anger. What a show.
At that point I gained my own little 'hate squad' who decided to start a campaign to 'out me' by stalking my likes and one in particular chased me around all of my socials claiming I hate women and all sorts of ridiculous accusations with no base in reality. Finally it reached the point of discomfort and I reverse stalked him to be safe if I had to go after someone legally. To no surprise he looks as I expected for someone hiding behind a screen. I do wish him well and I mean that sincerely. Anyone who is that angry needs healing and hope for a better life. I was accused of being a 'fatphobe' (these terms are getting silly...tossing 'phobe' on the end of everything as a shield is ridiculous) because I said I can't work with anyone who is over a size 14. One glance at my material and its clear why: my bag is sized and I HAVE to get you in it because the table scenes are a staple of what I sell. If you can't fit, I cant shoot it. I know of one producer who openly says 'no fat chicks' (no I wont out him, it isn't my place to turn a mob on the guy) and you know what? Its his production and his right to not hire anyone he wishes - just like the rest of us up to, and including models who say no to any material they dont want to shoot. Years back there was a xxx star who said she wouldn't work with anyone trans, and that was completely her right to choose that. She was hounded and killed herself. If youre reading this and saying 'good', thats more a reflection of your own hate. By all accounts she was a sweet girl and didn't 'hate' anyone who happened to be trans, she simply stated her choice who to work with - and honestly it isn't anyones business who any of us say yes or no to. We don't owe a reason to anyone. Its our money, our productions, our time, and or our bodies.
Where the race remark comes from I have no idea. I suppose its just an easy accusation. It's like labeling someone a sex offender (which that same group has had to toss my way - good luck, speak to the over 100 people I've worked with and you wont find such a thing based in reality). It's just an easy albatross to throw at someone without evidence to get people upset.
So that was that group. I won't bother addressing the more recent drama because I've already talked about it elsewhere and there isn't much to add. I'll simply say this: if you're going to be a pro, don't try to turn a mob on someone because you hold different beliefs than them. Thats utterly unprofessional and a terrible look. I've had more than one person come to me after the fact, surprised this person behaved that way. Well...I don't have to tell them, the words are right there for all to see (or at least were, maybe its been deleted, I have no idea).
The parroting that keeps being bandied about is the accusation that I'm anti trans. I'm sure thats yet another easy thing to throw at someone to get people wound up and angry but...I'm not. There are certain PARTS of the movement I do not agree with but I won't get into that here (DM me if youre truly interested, I'm not sure I'm allowed to go into that with the forum rules so I wont) and yet the label keeps getting thrown at me. I'm sure because of my more conservative beliefs (and yet I keep putting my libertarian stance in there yet that gets hand waved away lol) and spiritual stance, that its easy to believe that I think that way. Don't be too quick to accept that.
For one. I'm happy as I keep saying, to discuss anything civilly with anyone. But for two, you've no idea how I think when it comes to sexuality and the bible itself. Here is a group with a philosophy and stance you may not have considered or even known about:
https://reformationproject.org
Sadly its far too common now to shout down with indignant rage, anyone who thinks outside of your own spectrum. There was a time those on the so called left, were the voices of tolerance and free speech (although that isnt entirely true....the PMRC was headed by Tipper Gore, Al Gores wife and the reason you have Parental Advisory warning labels on music). That has certainly changed, unfortunately. I don't believe there is room for intolerance nor suppression of free speech regardless of the content of said speech. Censorship is the first step toward tyranny - even if its censorship toward things you personally despise.
For me, I want people to have the right to say anything, that way I know who I'm dealing with. Shutting someone up doesn't change their heart, it hardens it and intensifies their own hate, and you'll never know who you are truly dealing with.
I'd rather know.
I believe God loves everyone - everyone means everyone, the same way nothing means nothing when we say pre-big bang cosmology there was nothing. So what that means is that the value of a human being is equal and one is not better than another. That doesn't mean we approve of a mass murderers behavior, it simply means that murderers life is as valuable to God as anyone else, ultimately, and are worthy of being saved and love just like the rest of us. Thats as far as I'll go into it, point being that hate only begets hate, and I've no personal interest in any of that.
Am I proud of every action I've ever taken? Hell no! Thats incredibly narcissistic for anyone to say. Own your mistakes and learn from them, I know I have. Even the recent uproar I've been dragged into isn't something I wanted to happen. I removed the name of a performer simply because of the personal attack toward me and claim they wanted to be disassociated. The material was shot and cost me money and time, throwing it away is ridiculous, but honoring their wish to not be associated with me I was all too happy to grant. The error I did make and have since corrected, was one video posted for a few days was one that turned out to be a clip I granted to be hers exclusively and so I removed it from my own sites. I'm not a thief, after all.
I'm hoping I can get to more lighthearted stuff now and fun experiences; this wasn't bunches of fun to reflect on but I felt it probably necessary.
Why can't we just admit it?
We won't give pause until the blood is flowin'
Neither the brave nor bold
Nor brightest of stories told
We won't give pause until the blood is flowin'
- Vicarious by Tool
Ah yes 'the dirt', the part that humans seem drawn to.
When I ask successful models and other producers about their own journeys, they laugh when they hear about some of the negativity I've experienced, having had been through their own in their time in their own career. Some rivalries are so intense that they can't be in the same room, others have had all out fistfights and been ejected from conventions, and yet others go about their day seeking any morsel they can to twist and bend to their own propaganda war against those they hate. In the end, my cohorts and associates smile and say, 'Well thats when you know you've made it, haters reflect your success'.
Fair enough I suppose. After all, I don't care who you are, you'll never have a 100% approval rating. Even George Bush Jr right after 9/11 was at an all time high for presidents regarding approval when he vowed to go after the terrorists who killed roughly 3000 citizens in a cowardly attack against America. Goes to show: you'll never make everyone happy, there's always going to be the angry 'yabbit' crowd.
So why the fuss? Well a few things. Initially some of 'the community' as its called, disliked my heavier approach, preferring the lighter bondage productions which is completely ok! Different strokes, after all. But I've been around this scene since the late 90s and have watched it change dramatically. There was a fellow named Kujman (invoking the name is akin to Candyman, he will show up at some point and go on a days long angry tirade of denial) who admittedly made solid content. But it was on the more severe side and for whatever reason the 'lighter' crowd wasn't tolerant of it and hounded him. The error he made, was he paid attention to it closely. I'll typically give a single reply if I happen to see something, but then leave it at that. If the internet has taught us anything it should be that an online argument is utterly pointless. Too much ego is involved and people can't admit they're wrong, much less apologize for an action - especially 'in public'. Kujman I suspect, has Borderline Personality Disorder. I can't prove it at a distance and behind a screen of course, but thats my suspicion. Anyway, what was really telling from the community back then was when he posted some material where a male was being tickled (I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure it was him, he had said) and people went apeshit offended. That.....was weird. But thats how it was overall. Hell its still that way, as I've gotten a few negative remarks toward my Vengeance series, but that segment seems to keep it to themselves, with a new loud and angry vocal group taking its place.
Where Kujman screwed up, was when he was straight up busted on an ollllllld forum where he was in a Renfaire group who were completely vanilla and only doing the hobby for the hobby itself. He was there posing as just another player, but for whatever reason a member found his account linked to a tickle fetish group ....where renfaire tickling material was at. Uh oh.
When called out, he went into one of his days long back and forth tirades. Look, he was wrong and its okay to be wrong (something honest people acknowledge, but not holier-than-thou types) but it got ugly and he ended up looking bad in the end. You can find that particular decades old drama here:
https://groups.google.com/g/alt.fairs.renaissance/c/hcV2lzj2stI/m/zENvmCP-_8cJ?pli=1
With the prior page I wrote in this blog, I talked about my personal beliefs in Christianity, something I don't shove on anyone and only ever brought it up publicly in reaction to why I got out of the biz for some personal reflection before continuing. People wondered why, and so I told them. I really don't tend to hide much; as I've said prior I do enjoy conversations with those able to hold them. Because of that and more likely the political opinions I may hold, the country has become so divisive here in the U.S. we go into attack mode as we instantly generalize someone - which is juvenile thinking to be honest. That sounds harsher than I mean for it to but its true. Reason being, you can hold belief 'x' and be in camp 'y' and be perfectly rational. Just because you think 'q' is true doesnt mean you are in the 'p' belief system (yes the letters are random here and mean nothing outside of showing a difference). I know of one model I consider a friend who is very pro abortion but yet during a shoot she made mention how conservative she is aside from that one issue. Her pro abortion stance she can vocalize, her conservatism she feels she can't. Which is a sad state of affairs to be honest. But, that was a huge reminder that we as people don't all jam into one box quite so easily, therefore shouldn't be judged as such.
Believe me, I'm well aware that those of my same metaphysics would recoil and condemn me shooting fetish material, assumptions already having been made. When I moved to the U.S. from Canada, I was quite anti-gun but I also didn't understand why the 2nd amendment exists, nor why anyone 'needed' to arm themselves. I was on a forum and was attacked nonstop by the pro gun crowd, who like anyone else passionate on a topic were unable to have a civil discussion on the topic. Its no different than anyone in the anti-gun crowd, or any other topic. You'll always meet those who are so entrenched in their thinking that they become outraged when challenged. Just is what it is I suppose, but it strikes me as immature - ergo I use juvenile above.
I think its so bad online because thats typically what we introduce first. Meaning, you join somewhere and start running your own news cycle on your socials, and people immediately judge you and praise/condemn you based on what you're putting out rather than getting to know you first and then learning more details later on. Think about it. When you meet someone in person you don't shake their hand and say, 'Hey Joe here good to meet you, I hate guns!' ....you'd get some weird looks. But thats more or less what we (I'm guilty of it also, I'm aware) do online. Then someone comes along, reads that and immediately dismisses you and in some cases even goes into attack mode - and the fight is on and the humanity behind the screen is discarded.
But I'm getting off topic slightly.
Before I shut down my initial X account I had about 12k followers I think and of the 12k I had a few stalkers, who thought they were 'outing me' (?) because they stalked what I hit the like button on, or I'm sure it showed them the remark/article I may had hit 'like' on. Ok and...? Simply ignore it? But no, the intolerant crowd couldn't and therefore that mental arrangement that generalizes us into boxes kicked in and I was deemed 'fatphobe transphobe bigot racist' lol...wow. Ok thats not excessive at all.
This happened after a negative interaction on Tumblr (right down there with Reddit - the bottom of the internet along with the 'chan' gang) where someone was acting stupidly and hit me in a wrong mood that day. We all have those things happen and its more honest to admit that than the holier-than-thou approach. What happened was this: I reached out to someone who was posting and complimented one of her pics being cute, and offered a modeling gig if she was interested. Rather than saying 'no thank you' or even simply ignoring it (happens all the time and its ok!) I was told I didn't have an age in my profile and was blocked. It wasn't being told no that was the problem, it was the ignorance toward common sense that rubbed me wrong. I screenshotted the interaction and responded publicly because....well that was ridiculous. As I said there, you 1) can lie and put any age in any profile...that means nothing which is why early on when I'm approached I always ask for a license to verify adulthood 2) cannot be a producer and be a minor and 3) please be patient when you're asking for a verification by me - I'm very busy and don't have the time to reply within ten minutes to a DM/email. I don't regret making the reply, what I do regret is having left the persons name rather than crossing it out. That was a knee jerk bit of stupidity on my end and I hate I didn't think it through. The odds of her seeing this are slim and I wish I had contact to apologize to her but I've no clue who it was now unfortunately. It wasn't meant as an attack on her personally, by any stretch. It was meant to address the silly assumption that I could possibly be a minor. I added it publicly hoping to hold it out there as a PSA to anyone who thought something similar in the future. Error on my part but there isn't much I can do about that now.
Days later I log on and oh boy, the place had exploded in self righteous anger. What a show.
At that point I gained my own little 'hate squad' who decided to start a campaign to 'out me' by stalking my likes and one in particular chased me around all of my socials claiming I hate women and all sorts of ridiculous accusations with no base in reality. Finally it reached the point of discomfort and I reverse stalked him to be safe if I had to go after someone legally. To no surprise he looks as I expected for someone hiding behind a screen. I do wish him well and I mean that sincerely. Anyone who is that angry needs healing and hope for a better life. I was accused of being a 'fatphobe' (these terms are getting silly...tossing 'phobe' on the end of everything as a shield is ridiculous) because I said I can't work with anyone who is over a size 14. One glance at my material and its clear why: my bag is sized and I HAVE to get you in it because the table scenes are a staple of what I sell. If you can't fit, I cant shoot it. I know of one producer who openly says 'no fat chicks' (no I wont out him, it isn't my place to turn a mob on the guy) and you know what? Its his production and his right to not hire anyone he wishes - just like the rest of us up to, and including models who say no to any material they dont want to shoot. Years back there was a xxx star who said she wouldn't work with anyone trans, and that was completely her right to choose that. She was hounded and killed herself. If youre reading this and saying 'good', thats more a reflection of your own hate. By all accounts she was a sweet girl and didn't 'hate' anyone who happened to be trans, she simply stated her choice who to work with - and honestly it isn't anyones business who any of us say yes or no to. We don't owe a reason to anyone. Its our money, our productions, our time, and or our bodies.
Where the race remark comes from I have no idea. I suppose its just an easy accusation. It's like labeling someone a sex offender (which that same group has had to toss my way - good luck, speak to the over 100 people I've worked with and you wont find such a thing based in reality). It's just an easy albatross to throw at someone without evidence to get people upset.
So that was that group. I won't bother addressing the more recent drama because I've already talked about it elsewhere and there isn't much to add. I'll simply say this: if you're going to be a pro, don't try to turn a mob on someone because you hold different beliefs than them. Thats utterly unprofessional and a terrible look. I've had more than one person come to me after the fact, surprised this person behaved that way. Well...I don't have to tell them, the words are right there for all to see (or at least were, maybe its been deleted, I have no idea).
The parroting that keeps being bandied about is the accusation that I'm anti trans. I'm sure thats yet another easy thing to throw at someone to get people wound up and angry but...I'm not. There are certain PARTS of the movement I do not agree with but I won't get into that here (DM me if youre truly interested, I'm not sure I'm allowed to go into that with the forum rules so I wont) and yet the label keeps getting thrown at me. I'm sure because of my more conservative beliefs (and yet I keep putting my libertarian stance in there yet that gets hand waved away lol) and spiritual stance, that its easy to believe that I think that way. Don't be too quick to accept that.
For one. I'm happy as I keep saying, to discuss anything civilly with anyone. But for two, you've no idea how I think when it comes to sexuality and the bible itself. Here is a group with a philosophy and stance you may not have considered or even known about:
https://reformationproject.org
Sadly its far too common now to shout down with indignant rage, anyone who thinks outside of your own spectrum. There was a time those on the so called left, were the voices of tolerance and free speech (although that isnt entirely true....the PMRC was headed by Tipper Gore, Al Gores wife and the reason you have Parental Advisory warning labels on music). That has certainly changed, unfortunately. I don't believe there is room for intolerance nor suppression of free speech regardless of the content of said speech. Censorship is the first step toward tyranny - even if its censorship toward things you personally despise.
For me, I want people to have the right to say anything, that way I know who I'm dealing with. Shutting someone up doesn't change their heart, it hardens it and intensifies their own hate, and you'll never know who you are truly dealing with.
I'd rather know.
I believe God loves everyone - everyone means everyone, the same way nothing means nothing when we say pre-big bang cosmology there was nothing. So what that means is that the value of a human being is equal and one is not better than another. That doesn't mean we approve of a mass murderers behavior, it simply means that murderers life is as valuable to God as anyone else, ultimately, and are worthy of being saved and love just like the rest of us. Thats as far as I'll go into it, point being that hate only begets hate, and I've no personal interest in any of that.
Am I proud of every action I've ever taken? Hell no! Thats incredibly narcissistic for anyone to say. Own your mistakes and learn from them, I know I have. Even the recent uproar I've been dragged into isn't something I wanted to happen. I removed the name of a performer simply because of the personal attack toward me and claim they wanted to be disassociated. The material was shot and cost me money and time, throwing it away is ridiculous, but honoring their wish to not be associated with me I was all too happy to grant. The error I did make and have since corrected, was one video posted for a few days was one that turned out to be a clip I granted to be hers exclusively and so I removed it from my own sites. I'm not a thief, after all.
I'm hoping I can get to more lighthearted stuff now and fun experiences; this wasn't bunches of fun to reflect on but I felt it probably necessary.
- Next page: The time I got busted...
- Previous page: So I retired and returned and...whats up with that?
