I don't have one.
I've been thinking about this lately. When I was younger, I was always the kid who screamed "I HATE YOU!" and then ran up to my room and cried my eyes out for hours. She never followed me. You know? Like what you see in TV shows where the parent comes running up after their child to fix everything. She never did that. I could never have a simple conversation with my mom without it turning into a fight or without me getting frustrated with her. In 9th grade I cut myself ... it was dumb and I am aware of that now... but at the time it was just how I dealt with things. She saw my arm and the first thing she said was, "You know I can get in trouble for this, right?" Ugh.
I'm not very close to anyone in my family [mainly because I'm so different than they are]--but I'm the furthest with my mom. I don't think I've ever had a heart to heart with her or anything like that. If I do tell her how I'm feeling she dismisses it as unimportant and says I'll get over it. When I told her about Mel she was probably as unsupportive as a mother can get. She constantly told me I was being dumb, he's just a boy, I will get over it, and to stop being so depressing. I guess at this point in our relationship as mother and daughter it was to be expected ... but I guess that just tore me even further away from her.
I guess I sort of feel like I was deprived as a child. I'm not comparing myself to kids who had it way worse than me, I would never do that, but I'm just thinking about my own past and how my relationship with my mom has effected who I am today. I never was allowed to take any cool extracurricular activities because "it costs too much", "You'll never stick with it", or "It's a waste of time." She basically had no faith in me to accomplish anything I wanted to do ... which pretty much shows why I get so discouraged now. It sounds so dumb, but this really hurt me: I have 2 older sisters and we all have baby books. Well .. my sisters have baby books -- I don't. Practically nothing is filled out in mine .. she didn't even save my baby hair. My first words weren't even written down in there. It seems so little and unimportant to even get upset over-- but it really effected me because I save EVERYTHING. That's the kind of person I am. I make memory books all the time .. I have memory boxes .. everything. And it was just like since I was child #3 no one cared enough to write or save anything about me.
I was always the last one .. it wasn't new and exciting with me. My mom didn't go to teacher meetings to see how I was doing, I almost didn't get my license because she did not want to take me driving, and when I was younger and couldn't drive and had to ask her she practically bit my head off and complained the whole damn time. You know God forbid she gets off her ass, stops drinking coffee and listening to Glen Beck, to drive me over to the mall 15 minutes away.
My mom isn't awful. She's a nice person and has always been there for me. She never hit me or abused me or anything like that. I guess I just always wanted that mother-daughter best friend relationship with her, but she always said "I'm your mother, not your best friend." The other day she found alcohol I had hidden in the drawer. She wasn't mad or anything. She actually didn't care she just made me promise I don't drink and drive [which I DON'T] and she's letting me keep in the fridge.
I asked her, "So you're not mad?"
and she said, "I'm not mad ... I mean what can I do? I can't stop you."
As I'm getting older ... I'm trying to be more civil with her. But for some reason I just can't shake the "hate" feelings I have towards her. I can't sit down with her and just talk. I don't know if I will ever be able to. We simply don't get along. There could be a million different reasons why things are like this, and maybe I should just let the past be the past, but I don't know. I wish I could figure out the key reason why I can't stand her or why she can't stand me.
It sucks, but at the same time I don't know how to fix it without talking to her, which trust me, would accomplish nothing but awkward tension and we'd probably end up fighting.
I've been thinking about this lately. When I was younger, I was always the kid who screamed "I HATE YOU!" and then ran up to my room and cried my eyes out for hours. She never followed me. You know? Like what you see in TV shows where the parent comes running up after their child to fix everything. She never did that. I could never have a simple conversation with my mom without it turning into a fight or without me getting frustrated with her. In 9th grade I cut myself ... it was dumb and I am aware of that now... but at the time it was just how I dealt with things. She saw my arm and the first thing she said was, "You know I can get in trouble for this, right?" Ugh.
I'm not very close to anyone in my family [mainly because I'm so different than they are]--but I'm the furthest with my mom. I don't think I've ever had a heart to heart with her or anything like that. If I do tell her how I'm feeling she dismisses it as unimportant and says I'll get over it. When I told her about Mel she was probably as unsupportive as a mother can get. She constantly told me I was being dumb, he's just a boy, I will get over it, and to stop being so depressing. I guess at this point in our relationship as mother and daughter it was to be expected ... but I guess that just tore me even further away from her.
I guess I sort of feel like I was deprived as a child. I'm not comparing myself to kids who had it way worse than me, I would never do that, but I'm just thinking about my own past and how my relationship with my mom has effected who I am today. I never was allowed to take any cool extracurricular activities because "it costs too much", "You'll never stick with it", or "It's a waste of time." She basically had no faith in me to accomplish anything I wanted to do ... which pretty much shows why I get so discouraged now. It sounds so dumb, but this really hurt me: I have 2 older sisters and we all have baby books. Well .. my sisters have baby books -- I don't. Practically nothing is filled out in mine .. she didn't even save my baby hair. My first words weren't even written down in there. It seems so little and unimportant to even get upset over-- but it really effected me because I save EVERYTHING. That's the kind of person I am. I make memory books all the time .. I have memory boxes .. everything. And it was just like since I was child #3 no one cared enough to write or save anything about me.
I was always the last one .. it wasn't new and exciting with me. My mom didn't go to teacher meetings to see how I was doing, I almost didn't get my license because she did not want to take me driving, and when I was younger and couldn't drive and had to ask her she practically bit my head off and complained the whole damn time. You know God forbid she gets off her ass, stops drinking coffee and listening to Glen Beck, to drive me over to the mall 15 minutes away.
My mom isn't awful. She's a nice person and has always been there for me. She never hit me or abused me or anything like that. I guess I just always wanted that mother-daughter best friend relationship with her, but she always said "I'm your mother, not your best friend." The other day she found alcohol I had hidden in the drawer. She wasn't mad or anything. She actually didn't care she just made me promise I don't drink and drive [which I DON'T] and she's letting me keep in the fridge.
I asked her, "So you're not mad?"
and she said, "I'm not mad ... I mean what can I do? I can't stop you."
As I'm getting older ... I'm trying to be more civil with her. But for some reason I just can't shake the "hate" feelings I have towards her. I can't sit down with her and just talk. I don't know if I will ever be able to. We simply don't get along. There could be a million different reasons why things are like this, and maybe I should just let the past be the past, but I don't know. I wish I could figure out the key reason why I can't stand her or why she can't stand me.
It sucks, but at the same time I don't know how to fix it without talking to her, which trust me, would accomplish nothing but awkward tension and we'd probably end up fighting.
- So...yeah.
Wednesday, August 3rd 2011
6:06PM
Been at...