Reminiscing

The summer before my Senior year of High School I had this best friend named Josh. We would seriously spend almost everyday together. I actually wrote a story about him in the true stories section on here. Basically, he was amazing. Probably one of the best guy friends I've ever had. There was never a boring moment for us. We always had fun together. He had a girlfriend at the time ... I wasn't really friends with her at the time [I am now] but she basically hated me because of how close Josh and I were. I don't blame her at all for the jealousy. On their 1 year anniversary I was with him most of the day. We went to the mall together until he had to leave to go have dinner with her and then after that he came over to my house and we watched a movie [well not really ... we basically had a tickle fight the whole time]. So I saw him more than she did on their anniversary. So obviously we developed feelings for each other. I didn't want to ruin his relationship with his girlfriend ... but oddly enough that wasn't the reason why I pushed Josh away. You see, I was still in denial about my tickling fetish at that time ... I got that pukey feeling whenever I thought about it. Josh would ALWAYS tickle me. In the car, during a movie at my house, at the movies, anywhere anytime. I couldn't stand it. I liked Josh, but the pukey feeling would not go away. I don't know why I did this ... but I completely pushed him away. I didn't want to see him or be near him. And now that I think back to that it was the biggest mistake of my life. I still question myself all the time. Wondering why I got this blah feeling whenever Josh would tickle me. He was my best friend. Eventually, we drifted. I hurt his feelings, and I felt so awful about it. But, at the same time he stayed with his girlfriend, which was good. If I would have been the reason they split up I would have had one hell of a senior year. Ever since then Josh and I have never been close again. We've had numerous talks about it ... but every time it ended up unresolved and left in the dust. He's changed so much since we were friends. He became ... emo. It was really weird. It wasn't the Josh I knew. He broke up with Bridget for this other girl named Rachel [don't get me started on her] and he basically abandoned all of his friends. There was still rare occasions though, and I will never forget them, when he was there for me. One time, I was in a fight with all my friends [yeah, we had a lot of drama. It was lame.] and so I started eating lunch in the art room. Josh sat with me and kept me company. It's times like those when I caught a glimpse of my old best friend. During college I hung out with him once at the hookah bar. We just caught up on everything. I miss him so much. I just sent him a text asking him why we don't talk anymore ... he won't respond. I know he won't. He's not like the Josh I use to know and it really really sucks. He's dating this annoying girl that I've went to school with my whole life. He is only dating her because he is afraid to be alone. It's really sad. She's so wrong for him. It's times like these when I just wish I could re-do the past ... or at least have some closure with Josh. I dunno.