I'm trying to think how to start this thing off.Going back to my prevoius post,I'm sittin' here trying to figure out whether it was stubborness or heart which led me to reinjury my neck this past week.Maybe it's a little bit of both.I knew the risks I just thought it had healed enough and it felt fine until that point.I took a big single leg takedown and hit the ground like a fuckin' concrete block.*sighs in frusteration*I just don't know.
I look at life and I'm so tired of feeling ''held down'',that's what pushes me to do what I do.It's also the unyielding guilt of not giving 100%.Recently I wrote this quote in a thread,''The more you learn,the more you hate the waste of time.''I think about that everyday when I can't do the things I want,when I look in the mirror and I'm unhappy with what I see and with who I have become.It feels the more I try to change and the harder I work it just results in revolving failure.Until now it hasn't detoured me but lately I don't know.
Life is gonna change soon,for better or for worse.I just spent the last 8 years of my life making myself completely miserable at attempt to make something out of nothing.I sucked it up and worked through a lot of hard times with the hope that hard work and sacrifice would pay off.It didn't.Quite frankly I don't know what to think anymore.Between what these years have done to me physically and the mental stress I feel completely beaten into the fuckin' ground.
I made a point of not wanting to emphasize the negative in life but it is what it is.I look forward to the days when I can come here and post about happy horseshit but they are a ways off unfortunately.Another quote comes to mind that I was thinking about today,''The hate you feel is nothing more,than love you feel to win this war''.If that's true then I am bulging at the seems with love.That's a fucked up way to see hatred but it just might be true.
It sucks that the only things I can write about are depressing feelings of the hardships of life.I hate feeling like this and with that said remember that ''hate'' quote.So in essence I have a strong love or desire to change the way of things.I will continue to pursue happiness but first I must puruse a beer from the fridge.🙂Tonight I purchased Sam Adams Octoberfest for the first time and I'm about to take my first taste.Let's see how it is......it's pretty good.
Today I called in to work just because well,look at the shape I'm in.I couldn't work.I'm gonna miss the guys I work with when I leave.Over the last two weeks they have gone out of their way to help me through the days and that means a lot.They know me and I don't lay down for anything but right now I'm hurtin',on a lot of levels.
The week ahead,what will it bring?Who the fuck knows?Sure as hell not me.I have a doctor's appointment Tuesday and I'm going to tell him I need to be on disability.I don't know the procedures involved but I hope I don't get fucked around.Judo is out of the question for the time being unfortunately.I've dug quite the hole in life and it's gonna be a tough climb out.It'll be a hell of a fight but when I look at myself,I live for the fight.It's all I know.Peace.
I look at life and I'm so tired of feeling ''held down'',that's what pushes me to do what I do.It's also the unyielding guilt of not giving 100%.Recently I wrote this quote in a thread,''The more you learn,the more you hate the waste of time.''I think about that everyday when I can't do the things I want,when I look in the mirror and I'm unhappy with what I see and with who I have become.It feels the more I try to change and the harder I work it just results in revolving failure.Until now it hasn't detoured me but lately I don't know.
Life is gonna change soon,for better or for worse.I just spent the last 8 years of my life making myself completely miserable at attempt to make something out of nothing.I sucked it up and worked through a lot of hard times with the hope that hard work and sacrifice would pay off.It didn't.Quite frankly I don't know what to think anymore.Between what these years have done to me physically and the mental stress I feel completely beaten into the fuckin' ground.
I made a point of not wanting to emphasize the negative in life but it is what it is.I look forward to the days when I can come here and post about happy horseshit but they are a ways off unfortunately.Another quote comes to mind that I was thinking about today,''The hate you feel is nothing more,than love you feel to win this war''.If that's true then I am bulging at the seems with love.That's a fucked up way to see hatred but it just might be true.
It sucks that the only things I can write about are depressing feelings of the hardships of life.I hate feeling like this and with that said remember that ''hate'' quote.So in essence I have a strong love or desire to change the way of things.I will continue to pursue happiness but first I must puruse a beer from the fridge.🙂Tonight I purchased Sam Adams Octoberfest for the first time and I'm about to take my first taste.Let's see how it is......it's pretty good.
Today I called in to work just because well,look at the shape I'm in.I couldn't work.I'm gonna miss the guys I work with when I leave.Over the last two weeks they have gone out of their way to help me through the days and that means a lot.They know me and I don't lay down for anything but right now I'm hurtin',on a lot of levels.
The week ahead,what will it bring?Who the fuck knows?Sure as hell not me.I have a doctor's appointment Tuesday and I'm going to tell him I need to be on disability.I don't know the procedures involved but I hope I don't get fucked around.Judo is out of the question for the time being unfortunately.I've dug quite the hole in life and it's gonna be a tough climb out.It'll be a hell of a fight but when I look at myself,I live for the fight.It's all I know.Peace.
