I hate myself.. and here's why.
I didn't want to post this on the main forum, because I feel it unwise to do so. I'm hopeful that on my blog.. the replies will be more.. measured.. especially considering my circumstance.
Simply put.. I hate myself for permitting myself to be duped by my father, into seeing him in 2009. The guy had abused and caused me harm so many times, having a common theme of "hitting me when I am down", so.. should I be surprised that he bailed on me.. just at the time I needed him most.., when my mom had cancer.
I keep going over and over it in my mind: "Mitch.. no one forced you to take that train down to Philadelphia in July 2009. No one held a gun to your head. No judge in a court told you that you have to see him. You went to the station, bought a ticket to Philadelphia, and voluntarially went to meet with him, even in spite of all the abuse, and harm he caused you in your life".
Then, when your mother took sick.. on the day you found out she had cancer, you called him from the hospital, crying hysterically. He told you ":You can call me a thousand times a day". He sent you an e-mail "If something happens to your mother, I will take care of you". Not that I want to be "taken care of " by a father at 41 years old.. but.. in consideration of how he damaged my life with what he did to me with my taxes, a bit of a help would be appropriate.
To this day, I dont know why he dropped out, and stopped talking to me last summer. He has never told me what his issue is with me, although I suspect it's two things. He doesnt want to deal with my emotions of what is going on with my mom, and he didn't like it that I didn't make his wench,.. "My mother". Also, he doesn't want to give my mom any financial consideration.. after how he screwed her in the divorce.
He sent me a "Friendship Request" on Facebook, a while back. One that I approved.. because. if he EVER screws my mom with her alimony, I will go on there and expose him, and what he did to her and me. He has had a nice, quiet life for 21 years, as he's caused both my mom and me a lot of harm, and.. with what I'm dealing with, in regard to my mom.. my tolerance level for him is zero. Such is the reason I dont want to meet with him. As I've posted before, unprovoked, even though my mom has never asked him for more money, he has said things like "You're the only reason I pay alimony, and if it wasnt for you, I'd be nastier how I paid it". Before March of 2010, I listened to it, and was contained. Now,. after twenty years of his threats, financially, and his threat to send a hit man to my college campus to kill me, or break my legs, one more threat from this man, may well drive me to give him the beatdown he deserves, something that would not be worth the penalty I'd receive.
Which is back to my original point: Why the hell did I meet with him in 2009? I hadnt seen him for six years. My answer: I wanted to give him a chance, in spite of everything. I'm an idealist.. and.. I thought that maybe if he saw me from time to time, and talked to me,. he would ease up on how he paid my mom her alimony.
I told my mom recently :"Dont feel sorry for me. I got what I deserved, I have myself to blame". Going back to an abusive relationship is almost like going back to alcohol.. or drugs. My mom said to me that no child.. at any age.. deserves what he gave me. I'm also angry.. because.. the Son Of A Bitch is just waiting for my mom to die, God Forbid, so he can spend her alimony check on his slut and himself. Fucking Bastard. Hopefully, God will spare my mom for a long time, and punish him, and that amoral cow he's living with.
Something else very sick.. On Facebook,, one of his "Friends" is his first girlfriend, a deranged woman who has been married at least three times. A woman who used to call my house from time to time in the 70s and 80s, and got my mom on the phone, looking for Alan.. to do her "tax work". This woman.. is a PHD, no less! God, I would shudder to see what her patients mental health is!
I know I'm better off without him. Not having to wait for his calls once or twice a week, not having to go to Philly to see him. I just feel.. angry..not to have him to lean on through this time, especially since I was seeing him, at the time my mom was diagnosed.
Anyhow, end of rant. This time, it may be done for good between me and him. As I posted before, he didnt acknowledge my bday, or Hannakah. He doesnt ever email me or call me.
However, my mom is walking around with rage toward him for what he did to me. I told her to please stay out of it, and focus on getting well.. but she refuses. She claims she is going to send him a letter, and rip into him about me. I can almost guarantee that this will spurn him to contact me, and tell me he wants to call me or see me. Not because he cares.. but because he would want to show my mom up. This time.. I'm not going to fall into the trap. If he tells me he wants to talk to me.. or see me.. I will refuse. Right now.. I just want my mom to get well.
Anyhow, thats all. Just wanted to air this out, and I felt it best to do in the blog.
Mitch
I didn't want to post this on the main forum, because I feel it unwise to do so. I'm hopeful that on my blog.. the replies will be more.. measured.. especially considering my circumstance.
Simply put.. I hate myself for permitting myself to be duped by my father, into seeing him in 2009. The guy had abused and caused me harm so many times, having a common theme of "hitting me when I am down", so.. should I be surprised that he bailed on me.. just at the time I needed him most.., when my mom had cancer.
I keep going over and over it in my mind: "Mitch.. no one forced you to take that train down to Philadelphia in July 2009. No one held a gun to your head. No judge in a court told you that you have to see him. You went to the station, bought a ticket to Philadelphia, and voluntarially went to meet with him, even in spite of all the abuse, and harm he caused you in your life".
Then, when your mother took sick.. on the day you found out she had cancer, you called him from the hospital, crying hysterically. He told you ":You can call me a thousand times a day". He sent you an e-mail "If something happens to your mother, I will take care of you". Not that I want to be "taken care of " by a father at 41 years old.. but.. in consideration of how he damaged my life with what he did to me with my taxes, a bit of a help would be appropriate.
To this day, I dont know why he dropped out, and stopped talking to me last summer. He has never told me what his issue is with me, although I suspect it's two things. He doesnt want to deal with my emotions of what is going on with my mom, and he didn't like it that I didn't make his wench,.. "My mother". Also, he doesn't want to give my mom any financial consideration.. after how he screwed her in the divorce.
He sent me a "Friendship Request" on Facebook, a while back. One that I approved.. because. if he EVER screws my mom with her alimony, I will go on there and expose him, and what he did to her and me. He has had a nice, quiet life for 21 years, as he's caused both my mom and me a lot of harm, and.. with what I'm dealing with, in regard to my mom.. my tolerance level for him is zero. Such is the reason I dont want to meet with him. As I've posted before, unprovoked, even though my mom has never asked him for more money, he has said things like "You're the only reason I pay alimony, and if it wasnt for you, I'd be nastier how I paid it". Before March of 2010, I listened to it, and was contained. Now,. after twenty years of his threats, financially, and his threat to send a hit man to my college campus to kill me, or break my legs, one more threat from this man, may well drive me to give him the beatdown he deserves, something that would not be worth the penalty I'd receive.
Which is back to my original point: Why the hell did I meet with him in 2009? I hadnt seen him for six years. My answer: I wanted to give him a chance, in spite of everything. I'm an idealist.. and.. I thought that maybe if he saw me from time to time, and talked to me,. he would ease up on how he paid my mom her alimony.
I told my mom recently :"Dont feel sorry for me. I got what I deserved, I have myself to blame". Going back to an abusive relationship is almost like going back to alcohol.. or drugs. My mom said to me that no child.. at any age.. deserves what he gave me. I'm also angry.. because.. the Son Of A Bitch is just waiting for my mom to die, God Forbid, so he can spend her alimony check on his slut and himself. Fucking Bastard. Hopefully, God will spare my mom for a long time, and punish him, and that amoral cow he's living with.
Something else very sick.. On Facebook,, one of his "Friends" is his first girlfriend, a deranged woman who has been married at least three times. A woman who used to call my house from time to time in the 70s and 80s, and got my mom on the phone, looking for Alan.. to do her "tax work". This woman.. is a PHD, no less! God, I would shudder to see what her patients mental health is!
I know I'm better off without him. Not having to wait for his calls once or twice a week, not having to go to Philly to see him. I just feel.. angry..not to have him to lean on through this time, especially since I was seeing him, at the time my mom was diagnosed.
Anyhow, end of rant. This time, it may be done for good between me and him. As I posted before, he didnt acknowledge my bday, or Hannakah. He doesnt ever email me or call me.
However, my mom is walking around with rage toward him for what he did to me. I told her to please stay out of it, and focus on getting well.. but she refuses. She claims she is going to send him a letter, and rip into him about me. I can almost guarantee that this will spurn him to contact me, and tell me he wants to call me or see me. Not because he cares.. but because he would want to show my mom up. This time.. I'm not going to fall into the trap. If he tells me he wants to talk to me.. or see me.. I will refuse. Right now.. I just want my mom to get well.
Anyhow, thats all. Just wanted to air this out, and I felt it best to do in the blog.
Mitch
