In a few short hours, it will be six full months since my wonderful mother left me. I cant believe it's been that long.
So much has changed since the awful morning when I walked out of the nursing home in Lancaster, and the rest of my life began. Introduction, and Re introduction to family members, a move to NY.
They say that acceptance of the death of the closest person to you can often happen in stages. Even though my life is radically different than the day my mom passed away, part of me is beginning to believe that I'm just reaching the "This is really happening" stage, right now. The part where the shock is gone, and its now as if "Okay, this is forever, mom really isnt coming back, ever. " The only possibility, is if there is an afterlife, that loved ones are reunited in Heaven one day. I know shes gone. She died in my arms, I saw her pronounced dead. The Dr shook my hand and offered condolences. I kissed her goodbye after she passed away, and then walked out of the room. Its just..
Another very difficult situation is the whole "priority" thing. As most who know me are aware, my mom never remarried after divorcing my father. She loved my dad when she was married, of course, my maternal grandparents, her sisters, close friends, but no one was more important than Mitch. Now, I watch my father with Cheryl and her family. Cheryl;s daughter doesnt talk to her father, and basically considers my dad as her father. He's known her sixteen years, most of which I wasnt around. Somehow it just seems "Mitch isnt as important as these people, these people matter more".
I also still dont have the whole "interest" thing back. I didnt watch the debate tonight, nor do I watch baseball. I am immersed in my work, my friends, talking to family when I can, and watching Jim Gardner online every night. There is a whole void of alone that wasnt there before.
I have plans of course, for work, and social. My friend Adam is coming to visit this weekend, and my dads bday is next Tuesday.
I often wonder if I will ever be the same. I'm better, certainly, in that I go about life, but somehow, I dont have the same intensity of things that I used to before.
My father keeps mentioning how cousin Elyse, who is the daughter of the bitch who insulted my mom right after the funeral, has single friends, who she wants to introduce me to "Just as friends". Er, no, I think that would be a very bad idea, for many reasons. Even though I have nothing against Elyse personally, Elyse;s mother and aunt have had two opportunities to see me in the past 24 years, on Passover, and Rosh Hashanah. The mother insulted my mom just hours after my mom's funeral, and her aunt took a potshot at me on Rosh Hashanah. Besides family parties, I want little or nothing to do with these people. Also I wouldnt want to get involved with anyone who my father and his family know, because of the whole fetish thing. He knows nothing about my foot and tickle fetish, and I plan to keep it that way. I can just imagine if I were to get serious with one of these people, and it got back to Elyse, because, as we know, friends talk. "Mitch likes to tickle me, or kiss my feet, or asks me to stand barefoot on ladders for him." Er, no way, ever.
I know things are better than they were in Lancaster. I thank heaven that I didnt have to stay in that town, or that apartment. I do like NY better, its just.
I know that time will heal, and that things will get better, but, there are realities of things that I posted which will never change. Mom is gone, and while I'm going on with my life, I miss her every day. My life isnt the same, and it never will be. It is a whole process that I know will be ongoing.
Mitch
So much has changed since the awful morning when I walked out of the nursing home in Lancaster, and the rest of my life began. Introduction, and Re introduction to family members, a move to NY.
They say that acceptance of the death of the closest person to you can often happen in stages. Even though my life is radically different than the day my mom passed away, part of me is beginning to believe that I'm just reaching the "This is really happening" stage, right now. The part where the shock is gone, and its now as if "Okay, this is forever, mom really isnt coming back, ever. " The only possibility, is if there is an afterlife, that loved ones are reunited in Heaven one day. I know shes gone. She died in my arms, I saw her pronounced dead. The Dr shook my hand and offered condolences. I kissed her goodbye after she passed away, and then walked out of the room. Its just..
Another very difficult situation is the whole "priority" thing. As most who know me are aware, my mom never remarried after divorcing my father. She loved my dad when she was married, of course, my maternal grandparents, her sisters, close friends, but no one was more important than Mitch. Now, I watch my father with Cheryl and her family. Cheryl;s daughter doesnt talk to her father, and basically considers my dad as her father. He's known her sixteen years, most of which I wasnt around. Somehow it just seems "Mitch isnt as important as these people, these people matter more".
I also still dont have the whole "interest" thing back. I didnt watch the debate tonight, nor do I watch baseball. I am immersed in my work, my friends, talking to family when I can, and watching Jim Gardner online every night. There is a whole void of alone that wasnt there before.
I have plans of course, for work, and social. My friend Adam is coming to visit this weekend, and my dads bday is next Tuesday.
I often wonder if I will ever be the same. I'm better, certainly, in that I go about life, but somehow, I dont have the same intensity of things that I used to before.
My father keeps mentioning how cousin Elyse, who is the daughter of the bitch who insulted my mom right after the funeral, has single friends, who she wants to introduce me to "Just as friends". Er, no, I think that would be a very bad idea, for many reasons. Even though I have nothing against Elyse personally, Elyse;s mother and aunt have had two opportunities to see me in the past 24 years, on Passover, and Rosh Hashanah. The mother insulted my mom just hours after my mom's funeral, and her aunt took a potshot at me on Rosh Hashanah. Besides family parties, I want little or nothing to do with these people. Also I wouldnt want to get involved with anyone who my father and his family know, because of the whole fetish thing. He knows nothing about my foot and tickle fetish, and I plan to keep it that way. I can just imagine if I were to get serious with one of these people, and it got back to Elyse, because, as we know, friends talk. "Mitch likes to tickle me, or kiss my feet, or asks me to stand barefoot on ladders for him." Er, no way, ever.
I know things are better than they were in Lancaster. I thank heaven that I didnt have to stay in that town, or that apartment. I do like NY better, its just.
I know that time will heal, and that things will get better, but, there are realities of things that I posted which will never change. Mom is gone, and while I'm going on with my life, I miss her every day. My life isnt the same, and it never will be. It is a whole process that I know will be ongoing.
Mitch
