This was written as a preface to a countdown of my five least favourite films of all time. As someone who is still unemployed and watches far too much TV, I can assure you that neither my masochistic appetite nor bitter loathing for things that suck has diminished in the months since writing this. As a direct result, my liver has begun a strategy of non-violent resistance against me, which is as silly and ineffecive as it was when Gandhi tried it.
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The Films We Hate... June 14, 2010
They say that as we grow older, we learn certain truths about ourselves. I wouldn't know much about that; I try to discover as little about myself as possible. This helps me control my drinking problem. So instead, I'll share with you all a piece of self-knowledge I've had ever since high school: I tend to hate a lot of things, and I also tend to think about the things I hate a lot. I think that might be the reason I'm an atheist who owns copies of the Bible, the Koran, and the Book of Mormon. It's why I'm a university student even though I've hate university students. You could almost say I have a love-hate relationship with the things I hate.
Since it's now summer and I'm unemployed, I find I've been watching even more movies than usual. This, inevitably, has brought me into contact with several movies I've passionately hated. And this has got me to thinking about why. What makes us hate the things we hate? What, for example, distinguishes them from the things we merely dislike or disdain? I like to think of myself as a man of education and some taste; but even I know that I don't hate films or TV based on any objective standard of aesthetics or quality. I'm not a snob: sometimes I really like things I know are terrible.
An example of this would be the reality show Flavor of Love. This show is undoubtedly the worst offence against the human race that reality TV has ever committed, and trust me, every day has been a bloodbath. Its star is one of the most preposterous human beings ever created. He's a walking PSA for fetal alcohol syndrome. I'm about 98% sure that he really is legally retarded and as such, making a show like this should probably be illegal in a number of different ways. And Flavor of Love is a show where 20 of the strangest women in the world try desperately to fuck him. This show is objectively terrible by any measure; moreover, it represents the lowering of the lowest common denominator to an utterly unthinkable level and will probably be cited by future historians as the moment that television finally fell. Its popularity says things about humanity that I won't be ready to fully accept until I actually start climbing a clock-tower.
And yet I don't hate Flavor of Love: I actually kind of enjoyed it, that time I accidentally flipped to a channel that was airing the first season marathon and then my remote exploded (that's my story and I'm sticking to it). I expected to be repulsed, but I wasn't. I was entranced. Watching several of the worst examples of human failure disport themselves in an absurd wonderland of giant clocks and bling was kind of fun in an escapist sort of way. This show is unquestionably shit, but it's entertaining shit.
Or take a film that was bad and which I didn't like, but I also didn't hate: Transformers. I went to see this at theatres, and I now regret it. It turns out I don't like Transformers. The movie is pointless and much too reliant on fake-looking visuals (why do I care which talking special effect defeats the other? Should I try to superimpose Liam Neeson's head onto the effect-with-Liam-Neeson's-voice using my mind, so I can maybe generate some emotional involvement with this movie about the talking special effects?). But I didn't hate Transformers when I saw it; I wasn't angry when I left the theatre, I just made a mental note never to see the sequel. I was a little pissed that I had paid money for the ticket, but that's just because I'm also very cheap.
But I've found that some movies go that extra mile: some movies make me actively hate them. Some movies produce side effects in me that feel almost physical. Some movies make me positively seethe. These are movies that have me shaking my head and ranting as I leave the theatre, spitting foam at whomever was dumb enough to accompany me to the theatre when they knew this could happen. These are movies I never ever forget, because I invoke the memory of them whenever I have to kill one of my pets, in order muster up the necessary rage.
I'll be sharing some of my own thoughts on the top five films I've hated the most, but first I'd like to hear some of your feelings on the subject. What movies or TV shows have you hated with every fiber of your being? What films have made you want to rape the filmmaker with his own camera, and fuck getting caught because no jury will ever convict you and even if they do, it was totally worth it?
---
The Films We Hate... June 14, 2010
They say that as we grow older, we learn certain truths about ourselves. I wouldn't know much about that; I try to discover as little about myself as possible. This helps me control my drinking problem. So instead, I'll share with you all a piece of self-knowledge I've had ever since high school: I tend to hate a lot of things, and I also tend to think about the things I hate a lot. I think that might be the reason I'm an atheist who owns copies of the Bible, the Koran, and the Book of Mormon. It's why I'm a university student even though I've hate university students. You could almost say I have a love-hate relationship with the things I hate.
Since it's now summer and I'm unemployed, I find I've been watching even more movies than usual. This, inevitably, has brought me into contact with several movies I've passionately hated. And this has got me to thinking about why. What makes us hate the things we hate? What, for example, distinguishes them from the things we merely dislike or disdain? I like to think of myself as a man of education and some taste; but even I know that I don't hate films or TV based on any objective standard of aesthetics or quality. I'm not a snob: sometimes I really like things I know are terrible.
An example of this would be the reality show Flavor of Love. This show is undoubtedly the worst offence against the human race that reality TV has ever committed, and trust me, every day has been a bloodbath. Its star is one of the most preposterous human beings ever created. He's a walking PSA for fetal alcohol syndrome. I'm about 98% sure that he really is legally retarded and as such, making a show like this should probably be illegal in a number of different ways. And Flavor of Love is a show where 20 of the strangest women in the world try desperately to fuck him. This show is objectively terrible by any measure; moreover, it represents the lowering of the lowest common denominator to an utterly unthinkable level and will probably be cited by future historians as the moment that television finally fell. Its popularity says things about humanity that I won't be ready to fully accept until I actually start climbing a clock-tower.
And yet I don't hate Flavor of Love: I actually kind of enjoyed it, that time I accidentally flipped to a channel that was airing the first season marathon and then my remote exploded (that's my story and I'm sticking to it). I expected to be repulsed, but I wasn't. I was entranced. Watching several of the worst examples of human failure disport themselves in an absurd wonderland of giant clocks and bling was kind of fun in an escapist sort of way. This show is unquestionably shit, but it's entertaining shit.
Or take a film that was bad and which I didn't like, but I also didn't hate: Transformers. I went to see this at theatres, and I now regret it. It turns out I don't like Transformers. The movie is pointless and much too reliant on fake-looking visuals (why do I care which talking special effect defeats the other? Should I try to superimpose Liam Neeson's head onto the effect-with-Liam-Neeson's-voice using my mind, so I can maybe generate some emotional involvement with this movie about the talking special effects?). But I didn't hate Transformers when I saw it; I wasn't angry when I left the theatre, I just made a mental note never to see the sequel. I was a little pissed that I had paid money for the ticket, but that's just because I'm also very cheap.
But I've found that some movies go that extra mile: some movies make me actively hate them. Some movies produce side effects in me that feel almost physical. Some movies make me positively seethe. These are movies that have me shaking my head and ranting as I leave the theatre, spitting foam at whomever was dumb enough to accompany me to the theatre when they knew this could happen. These are movies I never ever forget, because I invoke the memory of them whenever I have to kill one of my pets, in order muster up the necessary rage.
I'll be sharing some of my own thoughts on the top five films I've hated the most, but first I'd like to hear some of your feelings on the subject. What movies or TV shows have you hated with every fiber of your being? What films have made you want to rape the filmmaker with his own camera, and fuck getting caught because no jury will ever convict you and even if they do, it was totally worth it?
