I'm sure I'm going to get slammed for this blog post by the usual suspects, but I dont care.
I saw my father today, and we had a very bad meeting, partially his fault, and partially mine for not keeping my cool.
I was very upset about my mom, and the void that I felt in regard to being without her for my bday and hers. He coldly talked about "The natural order of life". Additionally, he told me how much his cousins "Really care". People who never are in touch with me, but know how to shoot their mouths off. I angrily told him that I was finished with my uncle, after his treatment of me, and such. My father said he knows that, then sidestepped the issue by telling me how my uncle's wife, who has not said a word to me since my mom died, or wished me condolences, really cares.
He gave me nothing for my bday, which I thought was uncalled for, considering that I remembered his bday and father's day.
Then, he started playing head games with me. Consistently he told me that "I should find work to keep myself busy, and not panic". Now, even though I still have money, he said to me "You need to find anything you can, even if you have to work overnight, because you';re in survival mode", negating that such would totally mess up my schedule, and that I could never watch Jim Gardner again, taking away one of the biggest pleasures in my life.
He CLAIMS he is going to help me with my business, but I have no reason to believe that.
Its no use. I cant make him feel what he doesnt. What hes doing now is to treat me however he wants, because he knows I need him for my rent. He has justified everyone who has hurt me this year.
I'm trapped. Theres nothing I can do, so it does no good to complain. My only hope is to get a solid business going, so I can pay my own rent, and then treat him as I see fit. If it isnt "Estrangement", it should definitely be in accordance with how he treats me.
Bottom line, I will never feel about him as I did about my mom. Even though we had nothing financially, we had a mountain of love between us that lasted a lifetime. With him, his love for me is determined by how much I put myself out for him, by being with people, and in situations, where I'm treated badly.
I have to accept it. Thankfully I dont live with him, and I dont see him that much.
Oh, and he also told me that I shouldnt discuss my feelings with my two best friends. What a joke. I should be treated like dirt by him, and have him justify everyone who is treating me bad, and talk to no one about it. Fat chance. Thats the one thing he has no control over.
I saw my father today, and we had a very bad meeting, partially his fault, and partially mine for not keeping my cool.
I was very upset about my mom, and the void that I felt in regard to being without her for my bday and hers. He coldly talked about "The natural order of life". Additionally, he told me how much his cousins "Really care". People who never are in touch with me, but know how to shoot their mouths off. I angrily told him that I was finished with my uncle, after his treatment of me, and such. My father said he knows that, then sidestepped the issue by telling me how my uncle's wife, who has not said a word to me since my mom died, or wished me condolences, really cares.
He gave me nothing for my bday, which I thought was uncalled for, considering that I remembered his bday and father's day.
Then, he started playing head games with me. Consistently he told me that "I should find work to keep myself busy, and not panic". Now, even though I still have money, he said to me "You need to find anything you can, even if you have to work overnight, because you';re in survival mode", negating that such would totally mess up my schedule, and that I could never watch Jim Gardner again, taking away one of the biggest pleasures in my life.
He CLAIMS he is going to help me with my business, but I have no reason to believe that.
Its no use. I cant make him feel what he doesnt. What hes doing now is to treat me however he wants, because he knows I need him for my rent. He has justified everyone who has hurt me this year.
I'm trapped. Theres nothing I can do, so it does no good to complain. My only hope is to get a solid business going, so I can pay my own rent, and then treat him as I see fit. If it isnt "Estrangement", it should definitely be in accordance with how he treats me.
Bottom line, I will never feel about him as I did about my mom. Even though we had nothing financially, we had a mountain of love between us that lasted a lifetime. With him, his love for me is determined by how much I put myself out for him, by being with people, and in situations, where I'm treated badly.
I have to accept it. Thankfully I dont live with him, and I dont see him that much.
Oh, and he also told me that I shouldnt discuss my feelings with my two best friends. What a joke. I should be treated like dirt by him, and have him justify everyone who is treating me bad, and talk to no one about it. Fat chance. Thats the one thing he has no control over.
