A vent best posted in the blog, that will hopefully not cause a stir.
More than fifteen months after the passing of my beloved mom, I think I figured out the bottom line of what I might miss about her most, and the anger I have about the voids in my life now.
Bottom line: My friends and relatives never consider Mitch. They are all about themselves.
Wait,, I know.. "Your dad DOES consider you, he pays for your apartment". Er.., Yeah... However.. he doesn't consider me with feelings, and human emotion, or spending time with me. I've asked him not to attack my dead mother how many times? I've asked him not to discuss and rip what he could have done to my dead mother how many times? He spends how much time with me? An hour at a time.
Barney: My situation with him revolves around what he wants to do, and his flaky girlfriend. Barney has two whole Saturday nights a month to spend with his friend Paul, for hours at a time, religiously, but, as for Mitch, its always "I have to see what Sharon is doing first". Sharon,. whom he has to call.. multiple times, and wait until the last minute.. before seeing if she wants to see him. To be clear.. this isn't "jealousy" talking. There are three nights in a weekend. I live right in the same building as him. I think he could set aside a couple of hours a weekend irrespective of what his Miss Flake does.
My friend Adam: He talks to me, twice a week, for 30 minutes to an hour. Most often I cant hear him on the phone, because.. he's alternating his convo with me, with texting to the person I believe is his lover. If he wants to talk to someone else, fine, but to not give me his attention one hour a week during a phone call is to me, rude.
My aunt the artist: She talks to me, most nights, around her TV show schedule. Of my relatives and friends, she probably pays about the most attention to me. I do get upset when she tells me that I have to "Forget about" my father's horrible treatment of me.
My aunt the astrologer: We rarely talk, except when she wants to.
Bottom line: NONE of these people really consider Mitch, my feelings, or what I need from a relationship with them.
My mom was SO different. She used to watch shows, and talk to her friends, and my aunts, but.. my mom always considered my feelings, when it came to life's decisions about where to live, business, personal, and family visits.
An example: When we split from my dad.. she wanted to move to Manhattan. We had lived in a big house in CT with a pool. I knew we wouldn't have little if any money to travel, and was concerned about having to be in the city 365 days a year, something I'm experiencing now with being in Queens. I discussed this with my mom, and after careful consideration, she decided it would be okay for us to move to Fort Lee, NJ, where, she would be close enough to the city to go in, and yet be in a suburban area, where we would be in the same town as my grandmother, and have a complex pool to swim in, as well as parks, etc. It worked out for the best. My mom had many friends in Fort Lee. The bottom line: My mom made a compromise with me, and considered my feelings. This is something I loved so much about her. No one is perfect, but.. she never made a life's decision without considering me. Even when it looked like she was going to marry, soon after she left my dad, until we knew her bf was an alcoholic, she made sure he had a room for me in his big apartment, and he was going to generously pay for both undergrad and grad school, and I wasn't even his son!
Even with my mom's shortcomings as a person. (holding me back, asking me to involve myself with contacting my dad about her check every month, spending too much money) my mom considered Mitch first and foremost.. or.. even if she did make a decision.. she considered what affect it would have on me.
As for my dad: He never considers the rage I have when he attacks my dead mother.. or justifies his cousins and brother who treat me like shit, and have said and done such horrible things. He only thinks about what he feels with these issues.
I feel like I'm all alone in the world when it comes to anyone considering my feelings.
I know one thing: When I do get a job, and my business started.. If I do meet a girl, whether its short term, or long term.. I'm going to make sure that she considers my feelings.. or I don't need to be involved with her. Oh, of course I know I will have to sacrifice a lot as well to make her happy. That is what relationships are for, but, if someone I meet is like any of these people, I will not involve myself or continue on with that person. I would rather be alone.
This has nothing to do with not being "Thankfui" for what I have, as someone accused me of recently. This is about being disgusted with dealing with a group of relatives and friends, none of whom consider Mitch, and only think of themselves first, even if their actions are counterproductive to Mitch, and really hurt his feelings.
More than fifteen months after the passing of my beloved mom, I think I figured out the bottom line of what I might miss about her most, and the anger I have about the voids in my life now.
Bottom line: My friends and relatives never consider Mitch. They are all about themselves.
Wait,, I know.. "Your dad DOES consider you, he pays for your apartment". Er.., Yeah... However.. he doesn't consider me with feelings, and human emotion, or spending time with me. I've asked him not to attack my dead mother how many times? I've asked him not to discuss and rip what he could have done to my dead mother how many times? He spends how much time with me? An hour at a time.
Barney: My situation with him revolves around what he wants to do, and his flaky girlfriend. Barney has two whole Saturday nights a month to spend with his friend Paul, for hours at a time, religiously, but, as for Mitch, its always "I have to see what Sharon is doing first". Sharon,. whom he has to call.. multiple times, and wait until the last minute.. before seeing if she wants to see him. To be clear.. this isn't "jealousy" talking. There are three nights in a weekend. I live right in the same building as him. I think he could set aside a couple of hours a weekend irrespective of what his Miss Flake does.
My friend Adam: He talks to me, twice a week, for 30 minutes to an hour. Most often I cant hear him on the phone, because.. he's alternating his convo with me, with texting to the person I believe is his lover. If he wants to talk to someone else, fine, but to not give me his attention one hour a week during a phone call is to me, rude.
My aunt the artist: She talks to me, most nights, around her TV show schedule. Of my relatives and friends, she probably pays about the most attention to me. I do get upset when she tells me that I have to "Forget about" my father's horrible treatment of me.
My aunt the astrologer: We rarely talk, except when she wants to.
Bottom line: NONE of these people really consider Mitch, my feelings, or what I need from a relationship with them.
My mom was SO different. She used to watch shows, and talk to her friends, and my aunts, but.. my mom always considered my feelings, when it came to life's decisions about where to live, business, personal, and family visits.
An example: When we split from my dad.. she wanted to move to Manhattan. We had lived in a big house in CT with a pool. I knew we wouldn't have little if any money to travel, and was concerned about having to be in the city 365 days a year, something I'm experiencing now with being in Queens. I discussed this with my mom, and after careful consideration, she decided it would be okay for us to move to Fort Lee, NJ, where, she would be close enough to the city to go in, and yet be in a suburban area, where we would be in the same town as my grandmother, and have a complex pool to swim in, as well as parks, etc. It worked out for the best. My mom had many friends in Fort Lee. The bottom line: My mom made a compromise with me, and considered my feelings. This is something I loved so much about her. No one is perfect, but.. she never made a life's decision without considering me. Even when it looked like she was going to marry, soon after she left my dad, until we knew her bf was an alcoholic, she made sure he had a room for me in his big apartment, and he was going to generously pay for both undergrad and grad school, and I wasn't even his son!
Even with my mom's shortcomings as a person. (holding me back, asking me to involve myself with contacting my dad about her check every month, spending too much money) my mom considered Mitch first and foremost.. or.. even if she did make a decision.. she considered what affect it would have on me.
As for my dad: He never considers the rage I have when he attacks my dead mother.. or justifies his cousins and brother who treat me like shit, and have said and done such horrible things. He only thinks about what he feels with these issues.
I feel like I'm all alone in the world when it comes to anyone considering my feelings.
I know one thing: When I do get a job, and my business started.. If I do meet a girl, whether its short term, or long term.. I'm going to make sure that she considers my feelings.. or I don't need to be involved with her. Oh, of course I know I will have to sacrifice a lot as well to make her happy. That is what relationships are for, but, if someone I meet is like any of these people, I will not involve myself or continue on with that person. I would rather be alone.
This has nothing to do with not being "Thankfui" for what I have, as someone accused me of recently. This is about being disgusted with dealing with a group of relatives and friends, none of whom consider Mitch, and only think of themselves first, even if their actions are counterproductive to Mitch, and really hurt his feelings.
